“I’d have set her free and followed right behind her.”
Chapter Eleven
CITI
Star climbsto the top of the slide and waves at me before she slides her way to the bottom. I wave back and tug my shirt around my shoulders. The wind has picked up, bringing with it a chill in the air. Star won’t feel it, of course, running around on the playground like she is, burning off energy she didn’t get out at school. Sitting still, I’m definitely feeling it. It might be time to shop for more clothing. As lovely as it is here most of the year, there will be plenty of cooler days in our future if we’re sticking around, and I, for one, hate the cold.
I think of the few hoodies I have, my brain landing on the one Ambros gave me, what feels like many moons ago. I wish I’d brought it with me.
As per usual, when I think of the man, I feel a pang of disappointment. It’s been two weeks since I told him my awful truth, and I’ve hardly seen him. He canceled our workouts twice and hasn’t been around for any of the school pickups—not that I expected him. If I hadn’t spoken about being intimate with him, I might not be thinking his actions were strange. After all, the man is busy. But given everything that was said, I can’thelp but feel like he’s pulling away. The obvious conclusion is to assume it’s because of what I said. I can’t say I blame him. What kind of mother am I to even think those things, especially when my other children were murdered? When did I become so desensitized to everything that killing my daughter seemed like the only option?
I shake my head, reminding myself that everyone else has the comfort of making decisions outside of a prison, while I had to make them shackled inside one. Could I lie beside my baby girl while she was being raped and try to soothe her pain and fear? Could I pretend that everything would be okay for her sake? No. Hating myself for being weak, I’d be happy residing in hell if it meant sparing my daughter a second of that pain. As far as I knew then, nobody was coming for us. I had one option to set her free, and that was death. I can beat myself up for that or learn to live with my near decision. Maybe I am a monster, but I’ve only ever had Star’s best interests at heart.
I jump when someone sits down on the other end of the bench.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”
I look at the woman and only just stop myself from reaching for her. She looks so thin and worn out. I’m surprised she can hold herself upright.
“That’s okay. I was lost in my own thoughts, which isn’t a good place to be.”
She huffs out a laugh, but it’s a sad sound that hurts my ears. “Ain’t that the truth?”
We lapse into silence for a moment as my eyes move over to Star, who is now playing with another girl who looks to be a little older than her.
“Is that your daughter?” I ask, curious to see how the girl will interact with Star.
“My niece, Rebecca.”
I look between them covertly, and see the slight resemblance.
“What about you? Is that little girl your daughter?”
I nod. “That’s Star. She doesn’t talk, so I’m hoping Rebecca won’t take offense.”
“No, Becca’s friendly with everyone.”
“Okay, good.”
She looks at me, her hands twisting in her lap. “I’m guessing that’s not the case with most kids.”
“Let’s just say school has been a learning curve. Thankfully, she seems to be settling in better at her new one.”
“Oh, that’s good. Where is she going, if you don’t mind me asking? Becca has had an issue with bullying for the last few months—boys who are bigger than her—and she keeps getting brushed off with the whole boys-will-be-boys attitude.”
“Is that still a thing? It was crappy when I was at school, but I’d hoped things had changed while I’d been gone.”
“Oh, did you leave the country or something?”
“Something like that,” I deflect. “She’s going to Addison Prep now.”
“Is that the fancy private school?” She whistles.
I feel embarrassed. “My sister is paying for it, or it wouldn’t be an option.”
“Oh, hey, no shame from me. If I could afford to get Becca away and into a place like that, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”
My shoulders relax a little at that.
