True to his word, Havoc took over training Star. In doing so, he roped in half of the club, turning it into a fun event that all the guys wanted in on. Slowly but surely, I watch as Star comes out of her shell. Watching her bloom under their attention becomes my new favorite thing.
I’d love to say my journey was as easy, but that would have been a lie. I could handle Ambros’s hands on me, far more than anyone else’s. Having him hold me tight like Havoc did that day proved easy enough for me to adapt to. Once he saw I was in control, he went on to show me the basic moves to break his hold. My problem came when we moved on to me being pinned to the ground, chest to the mat with his body over mine. It’s as if my brain shuts down. I stop fighting, stop moving. Ambros says my heart rate slows down, which scared the shit out of him. Apparently, I go into a trance-like state and have no memory of it once I come around. And since I can’t remember it, it’s making it that much harder to navigate it.
When I come to this time, instead of waking up on the ground with a worried Ambros hovering over me, I find myself in his lap as he rocks me, gently humming to me.
“Ambros?”
All the air rushes out of him, and his grip on me tightens for a second. “Thank fucking Christ.”
“I’m sorry,” I hiccup, feeling myself get emotional.
“Hey, it’s okay. I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.”
“For how long, Ambros? How long until my crazy stops being cute and becomes an inconvenience?”
“I hate to break it to you, Citi, but your crazy was never cute. It just reminds me of what happened to you. If I could go back intime, I’d rip that motherfucker apart with my bare hands before he could ever touch you. But then…”
“But then I wouldn’t have Star. I get it, trust me. To undo what he did to me, I have to undo Star’s existence, and I can’t. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me. But then I look at the life she has lived and wonder if I’m being selfish for thinking that way, too. So many conflicting emotions make my head feel like it’s going to explode. Throw in friends, family, therapists, and a million keyboard warriors telling me how I should be feeling, and I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”
“Let’s call it a day, okay?”
I nod before pressing my face against his neck, soaking in the comfort he gives me. “I think I need to find another therapist.”
“I thought you already had one?”
“I’ve had a couple, but the current one is back home. Zoom and phone calls aren’t enough. I need in-person meetings because I feel too disconnected. It’s hard to share any intimate details of my life with a stranger as it is, but…”
“No, I get it, and I think it’s a good idea.”
I lift my head and give him a shaky smile. “I should have done it sooner. I got Star into one as soon as we moved here. Not that Star talks, of course, but she draws pictures and interacts with her therapist in her own way. I thought I’d be okay doing my own therapy remotely, but I was wrong.”
“There’s no shame in that, angel. You tried something and it didn’t work out, so now you try something else.”
“Thanks for not judging me.”
“Why the fuck would I judge you? If you had cancer, you’d get treatment. If you broke your leg, you’d get X-rays. Now your brain needs a little help, so why the stigma? You have an issue, and you’re going to an expert to help make you feel better. Simple.”
And it really is in his eyes. I relax into him, not wanting to move, but I can’t stay in his lap forever.
“You always know just what to say to me.”
He snorts. “Fuck, I wish that were true.”
I lift my head and stare at him, my breath catching in my throat at our proximity.
“If you knew what I really wanted to say, you’d run for the hills.”
“I don’t know about that, Ambros. It seems the only running I’ve done lately has been to you.”
He reaches up and slides his hand under my jaw, tipping it back as his eyes drop to my mouth. “You have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now.”
I let my eyes flutter closed at the thought before I whisper a truth I’ve never told anyone. “I’ve never been kissed before.”
He freezes under me. I open my eyes, worried I’ll see disgust. But there is nothing but unbridled heat in his gaze. “How is that possible? No, don’t answer that. I’m glad he never got that. No, you get to choose when, where, and who you give your first kiss to?—”
Before he can finish, I press my lips to his. He freezes a second time, shock rendering him immobile. Not sure what I’m supposed to do next, I start to pull away. But he slides his hands into my hair, anchoring me in place and shows me what it truly means to be kissed.
Chapter Eight
