‘So am I, but we’ll work this out.’ The golden tones in his eyes shine through the tears that are collecting there.
‘Will we? Be OK?’ A sharp pain slices through my chest. ‘I love you.’
He runs his index finger down my forehead, over my nose and down my chin, and my heartbeat stutters.
‘Yes. Promise. I love you too.’
My eyes search his, and I weld my teeth together to keep myself calm. Another crash comes from the kitchen and I step backwards. ‘I’ve got to go.’ And before I dissolve into a mess, I swivel about and flee down the stairs two at a time.
I pause outside the kitchen door and rub the heels of my hands into my eye sockets. Then, with my hand on the door handle, I take in a large lungful of air before pushing it open.
‘Hi, Mum,’ I sing as I bounce into the kitchen, exaggerating everything. I shut the door behind me as loudly as I dare, praying Jackson has heard it. ‘I thought you were out for the night?’
Mum is at the sink, filling the kettle. ‘I got the day mixed up. I’m meeting Sandra tomorrow.’ She gives an embarrassed laugh.
I force a smile. ‘Oh no.’
I open the mug cupboard and as noisily as I can, take out two mugs. ‘I’ll have one too.’ I motion to the jar of instant coffee she’s reaching for.
‘Okey-doke,’ she says, picking up the mugs from where I’ve deposited them. Having put coffee and sugar into the mugs and clicked on the kettle, she goes to leave.
‘Where are you going?’ I say, my voice pitching up a notch.
‘I’ll nip to the loo while the water boils. Won’t be a minute, then you can tell me all about your day.’
I hold my breath as I listen to her walk up the stairs and then breathe out audibly when there are no voices. Jackson must have got out safely.
The kitchen chair scrapes across the lino as I pulled it out and sit down, resting my head in my hands on the tabletop as exhaustion washes through me.
‘Ellie. What the hell’s this?’ Mum’s voice has an unusual sharp edge and it sends a bolt of electricity surging through me.
Before I’ve even raised my head, I know what she’s holding. The empty pregnancy test box from the sink.
Shit.
‘I …’ I stop. What the hell am I meant to say? Saying it out loud is going to make it real.
‘Eleanor.’ Her voice slices right through me. ‘What the hell have you been doing? You’re only fifteen. How could you be so stupid?’
Silent tears roll down my face, but I still can’t find any words.
‘Talk to me for God’s sake. Are you having sex? Is this yours?’
I nod numbly and wipe desperately at my face. ‘Oh Mum.’ My whole body shaking with sobs.
‘How could you? What were you thinking? Scrap that. You obviously weren’t.’
My chin is welded to my chest and my body continues to vibrate with emotion as I stare at my hands clasped in my lap, not daring to meet her eyes.
‘For Christ’s sake. I take it it was positive?’ She walks around the table and yanks out the chair next to me to sit, flinging the pregnancy test box onto the table in the process. ‘And with Jackson?’
I say the smallest of yeses, which even I can barely hear, my head still down.
She sucks in a breath through her teeth and her finger taps on the tabletop in a repetitive rhythm that drums through my skull. ‘How the hell am I going to tell your dad?’
It’s the mention of Dad which jerks me back into the room. ‘No. Please don’t tell him. Please.’ I love my dad. Of course I do, but he isn’t the most sympathetic of people and the thought of him knowing I’ve been having sex makes me want to tear my insides out. I’d get grounded and never let out again and I can already hear him tearing a strip off me and it isn’t pretty.
‘I’m sorry, Mum. I didn’t mean to.’ I raise my head a touch and stare at the top of her blouse. It is red and shiny and has a tiny running stitch edging the scalloped collar. Then switch my gaze to the perfect, circular shiny red buttons at the hollow of her throat. ‘There were two lines.’ I take a snotty gulp of air and wipe at the stream of tears dripping off my chin.
