‘Reeni?’
‘It’s nothing.’ She takes them from me and opens a wall cabinet and shoves them on a shelf, then slams the door shut, but not before I see several more of the boxes inside. ‘You can never have too many of them.’
‘You have to stop this obsession, Reeni. It’s not healthy.’
‘Says the woman who won’t talk about “that night”,’ she spouts sarcastically.
I hold my hands up. ‘This is silly. I don’t want to fight.’
Reeni’s shoulders drop. ‘I don’t either. We should probably agree not to talk about it instead.’
There’s an impasse as we face each other, but she’s my best friend and I really don’t want to fall out with her.
‘OK. You stop telling me to talk to Jackson and I won’t talk about all of this.’ I wave my hand in circular motions at the cupboard. ‘Apart from anything else, it must be costing you a fortune.’
‘But what happens if …’ she taps the box against her hand, ‘… I need one?’ She looks expectantly at me.
I hesitate. ‘Do you?’
Reeni’s eyes crinkle at the edges and her whole demeanour changes. ‘I might. Will you stay if I do it?’
My chest tightens. I love her to bits and until recently, when it’s been bordering on an obsession, I’ve always been supportive, but grateful it wasn’t shoved down my throat.
‘What about Aaron? Don’t you want him to be here?’ I say, trying to find a way out without offending her.
She’s already taking the cellophane off the box. ‘No, he’s fed up with the whole thing. I want to be able to show him the result when it’s positive. Then he won’t be able to moan at me.’
She opens the box and takes out the white wand of plastic.The action kick-starts a long-buried memory and sends a sharp dart through my chest that I do my best to ignore. This is important and I really want to try my best to be there for her. This is about her happiness, not my discomfort.
She’s chatting away, but I don’t hear any of it. I’m fixated on the test in her hand and my head is full of the last time I held that little strip of white plastic and the bile rises into the back of my throat. I make the effort to walk to the bathroom, but Reeni stops me.
‘Are you OK?’
I pause, trying to find the right words. ‘It’s difficult.’
Reeni frowns. ‘This?’ She holds up the test and it’s lying flat in the palm of her hand.
My heart is thumping in my chest, every beat singled out like the banging of a drum. ‘I don’t think I can watch you do it. I’m sorry. It’s too … hard.’ I’ve kept my voice as low key and even as I can. Masquerading as someone who is dealing with this easily.
Reeni’s wearing a puzzled expression. ‘I didn’t know it still bothered you so much.’
‘No, of course it doesn’t,’ I snap back. ‘Why the hell would it? I can’t think of anything I’d rather relive.’ Tension is pulling at every part of my body. I do not want to be here, having this conversation.
‘I thought you’d be happy for me.’ Reeni’s hand curls around the test. ‘You sound as bloody miserable as Aaron.’
‘I am happy for you.’
‘Don’t you want me to be pregnant? Are you jealous?’
I can’t believe she’s even said that. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. Of course not. I’d be happy for you.’ I press myself backwards and bump into a kitchen chair. ‘It’s all a bit close to home, that’s all. The last time I was near one of those …’ My body shakes as I suck in a lungful of air. ‘I can’t bring it all back up and revisit it. It’s too painful.’
‘Isn’t that the point? What have I been telling you? You cannot keep all this buried, Ellie. You need to talk –
‘Stop telling me to bloody talk. I was fine until you began waving that thing around.’ I swipe a look at the test in her hand as if it’s assaulted me. ‘You need to butt out of my life.’
‘What the hell does that mean?’
‘You can’t mind your own business, can you?’ It’s like I’ve uncorked a bottle under pressure and it’s all spilling out of control. ‘I do not need you telling me every two minutes to talk to Jackson.’
