‘We do understand. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Do you ever think how Aaron feels about all this? He’s not the one who gets pregnant, but he’s not immune to feelings, you know.’
‘Hmmm.’
I want to shake her. At least she has her family, even if she can’t add to it.
‘Are you coming back to ours? Olly would love to see you?’ She’s switched subjects as if our last conversation had never happened.
It’s normally a no-brainer, but I’ve had enough of her company for one day.
‘No. I’d better get back to the café and sort out a plan of action.’
I expect Reeni to try to persuade me otherwise, but she doesn’t. I have the odd feeling that our landscape is shifting and I don’t like it. We’ve been the best of friends for as long as I can remember and always had each other’s backs, but there’s a tension surrounding us that’s new and uncomfortable.
‘No worries. I’d better get back to grab Olly before he drives my mother mad,’ says Reeni.
She gets up and walks away and I slump back on the bench and chuck my untouched pain au chocolat to the waiting seagull.
Seventeen Years Ago
Eleven and a bit weeks pregnant.
‘Are you warm enough?’ Jackson takes off his jacket and wraps it around my shoulders. The sun’s out, but there’s a swirling breeze coming in off the sea.
‘We have to make a decision, you know,’ I say, pulling his jacket up around my neck and leaning into him as we walk along the shoreline. ‘I feel like it’s easier now though, after seeing it. The baby.’
‘Yeah. I know what you mean. Feels real now.’ He pats his pocket where he’s put the scan picture.
In between the rows and uncertainty we have done some talking. One option has always been easy to rule out.
Adoption.
I can’t bear the thought of a stranger bringing up our baby. And Jackson feels the same. If we are going to do this, then no one else is becoming our baby’s parents.
So that’s left us with two options.
We’re at Daisy now and he opens the door easily. He’s really got the hang of her dodgy lock; you’d never know we were breaking in. We go inside and sit together on the right-hand bench.
‘What do you think?’ I ask.
‘I guess it comes down to having a baby or not,’ Jackson says bluntly, his voice strangely devoid of emotion. ‘What do you think about an abortion?’
Nausea dances at the back of my throat. I know that’s what Mum wants. ‘Is that what you want?’
‘No. Yes. I don’t know.’ His chin drops to his chest. ‘If you want that, then I do.’ Out of the corner of my eye, I watch him run his fingers through his floppy fringe, pushing it away from his eyes. ‘Shit, Ellie. Let’s look at the other option then. Having a baby means both our lives would change a little.’
I raise an eyebrow at him. ‘You think?’
He gives me a glimpse of a smile. ‘OK. A lot. But you could still just about fit in your GCSEs.’
‘What happens if Dad throws me out?’
‘Surely your mum wouldn’t let that happen. It’d be his grandchild. It’s not like we murdered anyone.’
‘Hmm.’ I think I might get a warmer reaction from Dad if that’s what I had done. I glance out of the open door and follow a seagull soaring on a thermal, not a care in the world. ‘If that’s how Dad reacts, I don’t think Mum would go against him.’
‘We’d think of something.’ He leans his shoulder into mine. ‘Stay with me.’
‘Where would we sleep? It’s not like you live in a mansion and you have the box room. You can barely fit a single bed in it, never mind a cot. And I can’t see Milo giving up his room and taking a smaller one.’
