The room is dim and Jackson and Mum are sitting on two grubby light grey plastic chairs at my side. A large complicated-looking machine with knobs and buttons and a blank screen is on the other side of me. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit excited except it’s mixed in with a rather large dose of fear.
Jackson reaches up and takes my hand and I squeeze it tight.
‘Shifty your leggings down a bit more,’ says Jenny, coming over to us.
I wiggle my bottom and awkwardly move my leggings and knickers to around my hips. She tucks a piece of blue paper towel around the front of my pants and pushes them down even further revealing the top of my pubic hair. I can feel the tips of my ears begin to burn, but no one in the room seems to give one hoot about me lying here with my underwear half off so I lay my head back to try in vain to relax.
‘This’ll be a bit cold, lovie.’
Jenny sits down and flips the top open on a white tube. There’s a farty squelchy sound and clear jelly hits my skin. She’s right, it’s freezing, and I suck my breath in through my teeth.
‘Sorry about that,’ she says, not sounding sorry at all. She switches on the machine which whirrs into life and then presses a wand into my lower tummy.
I lift my head to try to see the monitor she is staring at, but it’s angled away from me so is impossible to see. The wand is slid and twisted and pressed hard on my abdomen and I grimace. All the while she clicks buttons and twists knobs as she studies the screen in silence.
‘Right lovie. Everything looks good.’
I had no idea how I would feel about any of this, but relief floods through me like a dam’s been broken.
‘I guess you’re eager to have a look.’ She swings the monitor sideways so I can see by turning my head, and Jackson and Mum lean forwards.
I don’t know what I’m looking for because the screen looks like a mass of black-and-white static.
‘Where is it?’ asks Jackson. ‘What are we looking at?’
Jenny slides the wand across my stomach and presses down again then points at the screen with her other hand.
‘They look a bit like aliens at this point, but – whoops – he or she is full of beans today.’
The tiny blob she’s pointing at is shifting its shape constantly on the screen, at times looking like its limbs aren’t attached to its body.
‘It won’t stay still,’ says Jackson, his eyes fixed to the screen like mine.
‘Look at it stretching and kicking.’ A giggle spills from my mouth. ‘Oh, it’s so cute. Look how long its legs are.’
Jenny wiggles the wand across my tummy. ‘Do you see that?’ She’s now pointing to a little flickering blip in the centre of the blob. ‘Listen.’
The room floods with the sound of the baby’s drumming heartbeat.
‘Ohh.’ Jackson’s exclamation is low but unmissable. ‘Is that the heart? Is it actually beating?’
Jenny gives a tinkling laugh. ‘Of course it’s beating, lovie. Nice and strong and even it is too.’
I grasp Jackson’s hand hard. ‘Wow.’ A surge of pride flashes through me. We did this. That’s our baby.
Jenny has clicked the machine so it’s a still picture and she’s writing into my pregnancy notes that I brought with me. ‘By my reckoning in another twenty-nine weeks, you’ll be holding that little bundle in your arms.’
‘Wow,’ I say again. It all feels a little surreal, but now I’ve seen her, because she feels like a her, it feels real for the first time. It feels a bit more like a dream than a nightmare and I have the urge to reach out and touch the still image. I smile across at Jackson. He’s beaming, still transfixed by the image on the screen.
‘It’s incredible. He’s so tiny,’ he whispers to me.
‘Or she. I know. Mum …’ I turn to look at her expecting thesame joyful expression, but her mouth is in a straight line and her expression guarded. She’s hard to read.
We get some more info and a printed picture which Jackson carries like it’s a fragile package and Jenny hands me back my notes.
I bounce out of the room into the bright light of the corridor and excitedly link my arm through Jackson’s. He still seems a bit stunned and he’s holding the scan picture where he can continue to look at it.
‘Wasn’t that amazing?’ My hand goes under my oversized sweatshirt to cradle my tiny baby bump.
