‘Well don’t.’ We lapse into an uncomfortable silence as we walk. I shouldn’t have snapped at him, but with my emotions in free fall I can’t help it.
The rainbow beach huts are close now. There are eight huts in the row, every one a different colour, red, orange, pink, blue,navy, cornflower and purple. The end hut is a pale and faded yellow.
I try to make amends and nod towards them. ‘Come on, there’s something I want to show you.’
Most of the huts are maintained and in fairly good nick; however, Daisy has peeling paint, a shutter in front of her window that doesn’t close properly and behind it the grubby glass is cracked. I’m nervous as I fiddle with her door handle. Only Reeni and I know about the hut and it feels strange showing her to someone else.
‘This isn’t yours, is it?’ Jackson asks, standing on the edge of the concrete veranda. ‘How’d you get the key?’
‘No key,’ I mutter, agitated at the door’s refusal to open. It’s not normally this difficult. With a final jerk, the lock clicks and I push the door inwards. ‘Just a dodgy lock.’
‘You mean we’re trespassing?’ He follows me into the hut. ‘Cool.’
The inside of Daisy always makes me smile and I put my bag and coat down on the floor. There’s a brightly coloured rag rug centre stage hiding a couple of broken floorboards, we’ve hung pastel bunting around the back wall, and several red and blue cushions lie on the tatty cream-painted benches which stand opposite each other. I haven’t been in here since Reeni told me I could share the space with Jackson, but she obviously has as she’s set up our little foldaway table against the back wall. On it is a copper tray holding a small packet of chocolate Hobnobs, my favourite biscuits, two cans of Lilt, and there’s a page ripped out of a notebook caught under one can.
Welcome to Daisy, Jackson. And Ellie – remember what the deal was ;) xx
‘What deal?’ says Jackson, picking up a can of Lilt.
‘Nothing. It’s an in joke. Here …’ I pass him the biscuits. ‘Open these.’
I pick up the cushions on the bench and arrange them into a type of nest to snuggle myself into. But I can’t get comfy. My boobs ache like mad and the waistband on my school skirt is uncomfortable too. I sigh and shift the cushions around again. Jackson grabs the two cushions from the other bench and hands one to me to help with my comfort quest and props the other behind his head so he can lean back with ease as he sits next to me.
And then there’s silence.
It’s been a long time since I wasn’t sure what to say to him.
I remember being tongue tied at first. So nervous that I’d say the wrong thing and put him off me. But he was never like that. Never made me feel stupid for telling him what I thought, even if his ideas were different from mine. Very quickly, talking to him was the easiest thing in the world to do and about as far away from awkward as you could get.
Butawkwardin capital letters is how I feel now. Half of me wants to crawl on his lap, melt into him and disappear. Rewind life and pretend the hotel sex never happened. The other half of me knows I need to have a grown-up conversation with him. But I’m scared. What if bringing it up means I lose him? What if Mum’s right and now he’s had time to think he doesn’t want anything to do with me and a baby? What if I don’t want anything to do with this baby?
I let out a strangled sob. And as if he knows what I’m thinking, Jackson wraps an arm around my shoulders and holds me.
We sit like that for ages, welded together as one person, hidden from the everyday life which is going on outside the door.
‘Have you thought what we should do?’ I’m frightened, but I need to know what he thinks. Where he’s at. I want someone else to make this decision for me. Make sure it’s the right decision and one I won’t regret. I want someone else to take all thegrown-up responsibility away from me. I bury my head in his chest.
‘I’ve thought about nothing else. Have you?’ He stalls. ‘I mean … what are you going to do?’
His words wrap a noose around my chest and pull it tight. I push myself away from him and the tension bites across my forehead. ‘What do you mean, what am I going to do about it? This isn’t all down to me.’
‘Well, no. But you’re the one that’s …’ He nods towards my stomach. ‘It doesn’t affect me.’
I thrust myself away from him, sliding along the bench to put as much distance between us as I can in one movement. ‘Seriously Jackson, what the hell?’ Mum’s wisdom is ringing in my ears. ‘Of course, this doesn’t affect you. Why the hell would you want any of this to inconvenience you?’ My voice fills the little hut and I can feel the thud of my heartbeat hammering in my chest. ‘You’re quite right. You get to carry on going to school. You can do all your exams and study for them properly.’ I take in a huge breath and my eyes sting as I glare at him to hide my hurt. ‘You get to go to uni, get a job or travel the world. You get to have a life because nothing in your life changes, does it? Well done you. Nothing about this …’ I throw my hands at my body, ‘… has any effect on you.’
He swallows. ‘That’s not what I meant.’
His face puckers in confusion, but he’s lit a fire inside me and I erupt. ‘What the hell did you mean then?’
‘You’re the one that thinks they’re pregnant.’ He’s pushed himself up and is sitting bolt upright now in defence mode.
‘Thinks?’
‘That midwife person yesterday didn’t do a scan so we could see a picture or anything. That’s what they always do on telly. This could all be wrong; you could be imagining it.’
My chest is on fire with the speed of my heartbeat. ‘Youare kidding, right? Why do you think I peed in that pot? I am pregnant.’ I stare at him and slow my words down. ‘There is a baby growing in here, whether you like it or not, and it’s going to mess up my body and my life.’
‘Maybe you should have been more careful then.’ He waves a finger at me. ‘If this is only going to affect you and I get off scot-free, you should have gone on the pill or something, shouldn’t you? You knew why we went to the hotel. I didn’t force you to go.’
