‘This from Zoltán if you no wish to open.’
In English.
Multiple reasons had stopped me from opening it, but that was the one that had given me the most pause. A warning. Thoughtful as ever.
It was his jagged writing, the ‘Z’ of his name like a thunderbolt. Each letter was separate, broken, as if every one of them had been written with a trembling hand.
With gentle, nimble fingers, I broke the seal, careful not to rip the envelope, and read.
Fia,
I am write this in English because I want you know how hard I try. Sorry for all wrong word. My tutor say “keep simple,” but nothing I feel for you is simple.
I know I make your life broke. Your job, your study, your name. I hate me for this.
But Fia, I not lie to you. I not know all the bad inmy head. I know I feel sick, dizzy, yes, but no doctor say “never race again.” If I know this, I never put you and racers in this danger. I swear with my heart.
You tell me I ruin you. I very sorry. But you make me. You make me want more. Learn more. Speak more. Be more. You are every reason I open book, every reason I train, every reason I try.
I do stream because I want world to know: not Fia fault. Only me. I can lose race, lose career, lose everything, but not let them take you with me.
If you hate me forever, I take it. But I love you forever, and nothing take it.
Always,
Zoltán
I tried to read through it again, but everything was blurry, and my throat was painful with each swallow. I tried to brush the tears away with a trembling hand, not sure what it was that made me blubber.
My guilt?
My worry?
My love?
He’d had everything stripped from him and, instead of believing him, I’d ripped myself from his arms too.
Jordan made me jump as he placed a hand on my shoulder. “Whoa, you okay?”
“Yes. No.” I shook my head, refusing to look at him as I placed my lifeline back into the envelope. “I’ve got to go.”
“Fia—”
But my laptop was in hand, book under my armpit, bag over my shoulder, blanket completely forgotten, and I was gone, running down the creaking stairs, careful not to shove intoanyone with my impaired vision.
Outside of the building, my speed picked up until I was running to the car park, then plugging my seatbelt in as I pulled out of my parking space.
It wasn’t until I made it home that I realised I hadn’t even paid for my parking, but I didn’t give it enough thought for even an‘oh, well’because I was emptying the carry-on travel bag from all those months ago and filling it with jumpers and anything else at hand.
“Have you seen my passport?” I shouted out my door.
Seconds later, Everly’s head popped around the door frame. “Watcha doin’?” she sang, eyes pingponging around the mess I’d made of my newly decorated room.
I’d painted the walls beige, changed the rug, and changed the photos from art to family. All because I had memories of loving Zoltán, being a woo-girl, and texting him with kicking legs.
“Have you seen it?” I asked again, rummaging through the drawers of my dresser. Just make-up and used wipes. And my turul bracelet.
I stopped short. My heart was in my throat. A symbol of fate. My fate was tied to his.
