And just like that, the serene scene that almost had me falling asleep is broken.The sound of his voice did it.While he was silent, I could pretend this was just a pleasant fantasy, a dream I used to want but don’t anymore.
I sit up in bed and throw the duvet off.“I want to go back to the hospital.I want to be with my sister.”
He’s by the wardrobe, putting on one of his steel grey suits.He turns to look at me, and that’s not exactly a hard no on his face.But close.
“We’ll go back as soon as we can.”
He had to practically carry me out of the hospital today, because I refused to leave just so I can be locked up again in this prison, driving myself crazy worrying about my sister.I didn’t scream, because I didn’t want to get banned from the hospital.But I fought.And I might start screaming now, if he tells me no again.
“When’s that?”
I join him by the closet, rummaging through the clothes meant for me.Black items are scarce, he’d ripped the last of the clean black pants and the only black shirt left is a tee with a white skull on it.Not appropriate at all for wearing to the hospital where I want my sister to get better very soon.
I find a pair of dark jeans and a green top with batwing sleeves.It’ll have to do.
“Where’d you find all these clothes, anyway?”I ask even though he hasn’t responded to my earlier question.
“They belonged to my sister,” he says.“She had left them at my cousin’s house while she was staying there with his family.So I grabbed them, since I figured you’d need something to wear.”
“While I was in captivity, you mean?”I snap.“How thoughtful of you.”
He just shakes his head and goes back to dressing himself.I get dressed too.
“Your sister isn’t very particular about her clothes, is she?”
He shrugs.“She was hopelessly addicted to heroin, her whole world had just fallen apart, and she had to leave everyone she loved behind when she moved to New York.I don’t think shopping and fashion were top of her list.”
I shouldn’t feel bad for a woman I’d never met, or the fact that this particular memory is clearly painful for him to relive, judging by the slight shaking in his voice.But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.
“Is she… is she better now?”I ask.
He’s done dressing and so am I.
“I think so, yeah,” he says and grins.“You can ask her yourself when you meet her.”
“That’s OK.I have no need to meet your family.”
I’m sorry for the shadow that crosses his face, but I’m also not.
“I have to go speak to Ferro now,” he says and walks to the door.
“I want to go be with my sister.”
He shrugs.“We’ll make it happen.”
And then he’s gone, the sound of the door locking echoing in the silence he’s left behind.And I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss the heat he brings with his presence.My world is so cold now.But it’s even colder when he’s not near me.
And I’d be lying if I said I knew how to make sense of that.Or accept it.
Chapter45
MATTEO
I findFerro on the patio outside his study.Maybe the cigar smoke that had accumulated inside finally got to him too, because my eyes started watering just from the short walk from the door to the French windows.
“You took your sweet time,” he says as I join him in the darkness.His voice is hoarse from all the cigars he must’ve smoked and all the sleep he’s lost.The golden monogram on his robe—AF—is catching the light from inside and glowing, but it’s the only light out here.“Had a nice long shower, did you?”
My hair is still wet from it, and I can still feel Goldie’s supple skin on my palms if I think about it, so yeah, I had a nice shower.
