But the doctor said I can’t go in.And I don’t know if I’d be able to stand just sitting by her side anyway, waiting for her to wake up, hoping she does, fearing she won’t.That must’ve been hell for Matteo.I can see that much in his face, even if I don’t want to.
“I know about being a prisoner too,” he says quietly.“Being held against your will, knowing there’s no way out.No way back to the way it was.”
I round on him, my hands balled into fists and shaking.“Is that what’s going to happen to me.I’ll never have my freedom again?”
Why am I even asking him this?I already know the answer.Things will never be as they were for me.So it’d be useless to try and comfort my little sister with those lies.Because that’s what they’d be, lies.Dirty, stupid lies that make no one feel better.
“Do you get off on keeping me hostage?Because you went through the same thing, so you think it’s only right?”I ask, shaking harder and harder.“It’s not right.It’s horrible.And my sister just paid the price for it.”
“You’re here because I found a way to get everything back,” he says, so quietly I barely hear him.“And once I do, it’ll all be yours.”
“What I want is my old life, my family, my home.Why would I want anything from you?”
“No, you don’t,” he says, his face calm, his eyes more than a little sad.“You want freedom and an exciting life.”
He’s got me there.I did want all those things.With him.
“This is not the price I was willing to pay to get it.”
My sister’s face is paler than I’ve ever seen it.There’s no rosiness in her cheeks, her skin whiter than the sheet she’s covered with, the veins in her arms unnaturally dark.
The doctor comes to us.He’s put on a fresh pair of scrubs and combed his hair.
“I think that’s enough for today,” he says.“If she improves overnight, you’ll be able to go in to see her tomorrow.”
“OK, thank you,” I mutter and walk back to the waiting room where I sit in the nearest seat.
“Come on, I’ll take you home,” Matteo says.“You can get a change of clothes, take a shower, get something to eat.”
“Home?To that smelly old mansion?That’s not my home,” I say.“I’m staying right here until my sister wakes up.”
He takes a seat next to me and reaches for my hand, but I snatch it away before he can take it.
“You should go.I don’t need you here.”I wonder if that’s actually true.I wonder if I’d be so brave if he wasn’t here for me to lean on.I wonder if I’d be able to survive my sister turning for the worst in the night and me alone with her, or if I’d just die too.
“I’ll stay with you,” he says.“And thank you for not telling the cops what really happened.”
I scoff.“What choice did I have?I know who holds the keys to my freedom.But I didn’t do it for you.”
Or did I?Did I do it so they wouldn’t take him away from me?
It’s not a question I can answer right now.The only answer I need is to know my sister will survive.Everything else can wait.
Chapter40
MATTEO
Goldie dozedoff at around eleven PM, lying across two seats in the waiting area, arms and legs and even hands balled up as though she’s waiting for a fight.She might just be getting it.Just not the kind you can win with fist and kicks.
Watching her struggle with what happened to her sister, and sitting in the hospital waiting room, has brought up so many memories of doing the same that I had trouble sitting still.But I did.For her.Because every time I stood up and started pacing, she looked at me like she was afraid I’d walk right on out of the hospital and leave her there.
I hope she doesn’t wake up while I’m gone now, but I need some fresh air and I need to call Ferro, see where everything stands.
The front of the hospital, by the entrance to the ER, is a chaos of ambulances, injured people being brought in by family members and nurses and doctors running this way and that.But the back is almost serene.A field of grass, short in anticipation of winter, stretches all the way to the highway, which is just far enough that all the cars traveling on it create a gentle humming melody that’s not too loud.It’s early, but the moon is out already, accompanied by a couple of twinkling stars.It’s easy to forget where I am back here.
The hospital where my brother died was near the beach.You could hear the waves crashing late at night, when even the ambulance traffic sometimes died down.And you could see stars there too.And the moon.I think I prayed on some of those nights when I went outside, needing some air.It was also around that time that I stopped praying altogether.God’s never been on my side.All I have is this curse of Ruin hanging over me and it swallows up everything and everyone I love.
Ferro’s voice is breathless and slightly panicked as he answers my call.“What’s going on?Did she turn for the worst?”
