Then I point at the door and he thankfully starts walking.
We don’t meet anyone on the way down the five flights of wooden stairs.On one of the landings, I swear I can hear women crying and it does nothing to improve my mood.Nor does the bright sunshine as we reach the garden.Especially since Nico shields his eyes and groans as soon as we’re outside.
“What are you now?A vampire?”I snap at him.“Stop acting like you’re wounded or something.You’re alive, aren’t you.”
I set a fast pace across the long lawn, aiming for the small spot of dark blue ocean I can see in the distance.Nico stays on my heels, thankfully.
The ocean looked peaceful enough from a distance, but once we reach it, the waves are crashing against the rocky beach, froth spraying everywhere.The storms must be magnificent here.I always enjoyed watching those.But right now, all I want is smooth sailing.
“Let’s stop here,” Nico says.He’s winded and lowers himself down on a rock like an old man.
It’s as good a place as any.I’m sure the booming and crashing of the waves will disguise our conversation.We’re also completely alone on the beach, as far as I can see.
“Ferro wanted me to talk to you,” I say and sit down next to him.“He thinks you’re losing your nerve for what we’re doing.Now, I don’t know the guy very well, but I don’t think he’s the type who leaves loose ends lying around… if you know what I mean.”
His Adam’s apple bobs up and down dramatically as he swallows hard.I’m glad he’s keeping his eyes trained on the sea, because I’m sure the fear in them just got worse and I don’t want to see it.
“I didn’t expect so much blood… so much killing… people I grew up with… known all my life… dead… wounded… screaming…”
I almost ask him what the fuck he did expect.This is war and he went into it willingly.But I refrain.He’s hanging by a very thin thread here and I don’t want to tear it.
“Your family?They’re safe, right?”
He turns to me and nods.“They’ll go along with Ferro’s plans.”
“You gotta go along too,” I tell him.“Your family’s done a lot for mine and I’ll do what I can for you.But you gotta show Ferro he’s got nothing to worry about.”
He turns to me and it’s not just fear in his eyes now, there’s something much worse there too.Surrender.Giving up.Letting go.I look out at the waves so I don’t have to see it, because it reminds me too much of what I used to see in the mirror every time I looked.But that was seven years ago.A lifetime ago.
“You just gotta push it all down and face the new reality head on, without emotion,” I tell him.“Just take it one day at a time.Don’t worry about the past.Or the future.”
“Is that how you got through it after Moretti killed your family and made you his bodyguard?”
I don’t know how well I ever got through it.But I sure wish someone had given me the kind of advice I just gave him at the beginning.Because it took me a long time to figure it out.
“You gotta make yourself dead inside, if that’s what it takes.”
For me, that’s what it took.And I was dead inside.For a long time.Until Goldie came and woke me back up.Made me feel alive in ways I didn’t know I could ever be again.And now?Now I’m not that far from acting like Nico’s acting.And it’s gotta stop.
“Is that what it takes?”
“Yeah, that’s what it’s gonna take,” I tell him.“And you gotta do it.For your family if nothing else.I doubt Ferro’s gonna let any of them live if you bail on him.He seems like the guy who takes his revenge sooner rather than later.And doesn’t bat an eye doing it.”
He nods and straightens up, bending his head back and scrunching up his face.But then he shakes it all off and the fear is just a hint in his eyes when he looks at me next.
“At least he didn’t kill all the women,” he says.“But I did expect to feel better about all this.I really did.”
I pick up a rock and toss it into the ocean.The frothing waves just swallow it up.“I’ve stopped expecting to feel better a long time ago.Maybe you should too.”
Thing is, after Goldie, I’ve started craving better times.I really wish what I just said was true, but it no longer is.
He stands up.“I’m ready to go back and I’ll snap out of it.I know my behavior reflects on you too, since I brought you in and I won’t fuck with that.I’ll be fine after a few lines.”
I stand up too.“Maybe you should lay off that stuff now.It’ll make everything easier in the long run.”
He laughs and as much as it’s good to see he seems to have snapped out of his funk, I don’t like the reason for the laughter.
“Being sober will make nothing easier,” he says.“Let’s go pick some up now.I’ll need a supply of the good shit.”
