It’s been Nash’s choice to do it that way, but…I’ve been a little disappointed. I haven’t told Colton this, but part of me wants him to come up, to knock on my door and for me to answer it, tell him to come inside. Nash would be sitting at the counter, doing homework, and then the three of us would chat for a minute about what they’re working on, and how well Nash is doing, and laugh over a funny story or two. Then I’d tell them to have fun, and Nash would say thanks, and Colton would shoot me his mischievous smile, the one that says he has secret, wicked plans for me later that night. It’s a silly dream, absolutely ridiculous, and I don’t understand why I keep thinking about it.
Sadie and I had a good week, though. I found a program for her after school. The bus will bring her straight there. While technically I would feel safe with her home alone at her age—God knows I was alone much younger—I think it’ll be good for her. Hopefully, she’ll make friends who share herinterests. The program is art based, and they focus on different mediums each week. She only has experience with drawing, but she’s told me she’s excited about trying painting and pottery. Our caseworker has been happy with how things have been going too. She said the activities are good for the kids, and I agree.
Wednesday after class, Colton talked me through jerking off for him in my office. He was on video call, as that felt safer, but if he hadn’t insisted on that, I would have let him take me there again. He makes me feel wild in a completely unfamiliar way, like I want to take risks if those risks will give me more of him, but he always makes them safe for me, finds a way to give me what I crave—often without me having to ask—but doesn’t lose control like I would for him. I’ve never wanted to lose control for anyone or anything before him.
On Friday, we spent the day at the house again, Sir keeping me naked the whole time. There’s something so dirty but also powerful about being naked while he’s dressed, about kneeling for him and serving him and being pleasured by him over and over and over.
Every time I blink, I’m afraid it’ll end. Afraid he’ll walk away or that someone will find out about us and I’ll lose my job. I’ll be the laughingstock of the university, the professor who slept with his much younger student and ended up losing everything. But none of that fear is enough to make me stop.
“Did you have fun today?” I ask Sadie the following Wednesday when I pick her up from her program. We paid a visit to Tasha over the weekend, and she gave her a new style for the week.
“It was so cool! We’re learning about shading and using charcoal. I’ve never done it before, but Ms. Leslie said I did super well. She said I’m a natural, and then Destiny asked if I could show her how to do it!”
“Who’s Destiny?”
“One of the girls in the program. She wears beads at the ends of her braids. I’m going to ask Tasha if we can do that too! I mean…if she keeps helping me.”
I glance at her in the rearview. “We’ll keep having her help, and maybe she can start teaching us some ways we can style it ourselves too.” I’d like to learn to help her. I want to be as involved in her life as she’ll let me.
She nods, and then our eyes meet in the mirror again. I can tell something is on her mind, so I wait for her to be ready.
“I’m glad we’re with you,” she finally says. “It feels like having like…a dad or something. I don’t know. I know you’re not our dad, but it feels like having a real family.”
I nearly choke on the emotion in my throat, doing my best to swallow it down. “We are a real family,” I manage to say. “And we always will be.”
“I like Tasha and Hannah too. Tasha says they’re my aunties. I’ve never had an auntie before.”
It’s so sad how alone we all were growing up, the things we didn’t have that most of the kids around us had—a mother who cared, family, love. I feel that emptiness inside me every single day, though I must admit, it’s lessened recently, and there’s nothing I want more than to make sure Sadie and Nash never have to live that way again.
“I never had aunties either, but I’m glad you have them. Maybe we can…I don’t know, all go to dinner or something sometime.” I should probably run that by them first, but I’m sure they would do it. They’ve already been so helpful, and Hannah spoke to me like she wanted to be friends.
And Colton could be there.
“That would be super fun!” Sadie replies, and then… “I’m nervous for Nash.”
“Oh God. Me too,” I reply before pulling into the high school parking lot. Today is the last day of tryouts, and by the end of practice, they’re supposed to find out who made the team. “He has to make it, right?” The kid has been through too much not to make it. He deserves this.
“He’s really good.”
“That’s what Colton says,” I admit, happy that Nash has him, but also with a stab of disappointment that Nash doesn’t want to share this with me. “He’ll make it. I know he will.” I do not, in fact, know he will, but I’m hoping like crazy he does.
I pull up against the curb, putting the car into park, and we wait. I keep my eyes on the door, waiting for him to come out, begging to see a smile there, to see excitement. My fingers tap against the steering wheel. Sadie giggles from the back seat.
“What?” I turn to look at her.
“You really are nervous.”
“I just want this for him…and I think it’s brave. I never would have had the courage to try out for something like this in high school.” I think about the swim team and how badly I’d wanted to be a part of it. Even if I could have made practices and paid the dues, I never would have been brave enough to do it, but Nash is, and that means something.
“Oh! There he is!” She points, and my eyes dart toward the door. Nash is walking out with two boys, the three of them laughing and talking about something. He’s got a ball under his arm and a smile on his face—maybe the biggest smile I’ve ever seen from him—and when I exhale, I realize it’s the first true one in a while.
He made it, right?
The three of them part ways, Nash jogging to my SUV. He slides in the back with Sadie—still never sitting in front with me.
“I fucking did it!” he says the second he closes the door.
“That’s so cool! I’m so happy for you!” Sadie hugs him.
