I go into his office-hours scheduler and see that he offers times the next morning. I schedule one first thing in the morning before my other classes begin.
CHAPTER SEVEN
James
It feels likeI just fell asleep when my alarm buzzes to wake me up. It’s the second night in a row I’ve slept like shit, this time because I got into it with Nash last night—again—when I asked him if he had homework. I’ve also asked him nearly every day if he can make his bed in the morning, something he refuses to do. I don’t ask for a lot—just for the apartment to be tidy.
Once that was under control and he and Sadie were in bed, I’d looked up my schedule for the following day to see that Colton had requested office hours with me. That can’t be good. Neither can the fact that he’s still on my roster.
How in the hell did this happen? Out of all the men in the area, how did I end up with my part-time Dominant as my student?
I follow my routine, getting out of bed and heading straight for the shower. My stomach is in knots, but I do my best to ignore it. Whatever happens happens. Stressing out over it won’t change anything, but that has never stopped me from stressing out over something.
I finish getting ready, and the moment I step into the hallway, I hear the blender running. I frown, not having expected that. Nash hasn’t used the blender at all since theymoved in—the obnoxious sound mixing with whatever Sadie is listening to on her phone.
“I can’t find my homework,” she tells him over the noise that’s grating on my already sensitive nerves.
“I put it in your backpack, brat,” he replies, a soft playfulness to his voice that speaks of his love for her. Nash is a lot of things, and he may hate me, but I will never doubt how much he loves Sadie. If not for her, he would have already left here, or maybe never come with me at all.
The second I walk into the room, I realize the TV, which is to the left in the living room, is what’s so loud. To the right, Nash is blending something, while Sadie’s phone is on the counter, playing videos. There are dishes all over the island where she sits, her backpack in front of her, papers spread out. Nash’s backpack is on the floor, in the middle of the walkway as if I didn’t install hooks for their bags a couple of weeks before school started.
It’s…a lot.
My head starts throbbing, lack of sleep making my eyes burn.
I head straight for the television, teeth gritted as I turn it off. Neither of them has noticed me yet, joking and laughing with each other in a way they have never and will likely never do with me, and I feel an unexpected pang of longing as I watch them. All that does is make me want to shut down even tighter, nip those feelings in the bud before they can grow out of control.
They both look up at me when I head their way.
“Why is everything on at the same time?” I snap, pressing the off button on the overly blended smoothie. “There’s no reason the TV, a phone, and a blender all need to be going at the same time. And, Sadie, can you please pick up your papers and put them in your backpack? Why is yours on the floor,Nash?”
“Because I put it there,” he argues. “And she’s making sure she has her assignments before she packs her bag.”
Sadie doesn’t respond, immediately turning off her phone and putting everything in her bag. Guilt sets root inside me, spreading like wildfire. “I thought you didn’t have homework,” I say. I could have helped.
“I didn’t say that. I said we didn’t need your help. I have it under control.”
His words increase the pressure on my bruised feelings. I’ve known from the start that he hates me, but I thought we’d find some common ground by now. Everything with them and Colton plays tug-of-war in my head, pulling me in different directions, making me feel different things to the extent I don’t know what to focus on.
This…isn’t like me. I’ve done my best to make sure I have control over my life from the second I left Sandra. Everything I do, everything I have, has been planned out and decided by me, including those few moments when I do choose to give control to someone else. That’s always still my choice. But nothing feels in my control right now. It makes my heart race and my gut ache, makes my head spin in this way it hasn’t done in a long time…like I never thought it would do again.
“Clean this mess up, get your things together, and meet me in the car.”
“Sadie needs to eat,” he argues. And he’s right. We’re early. I haven’t had my coffee or breakfast either.
“It’s fine. I’m not hungry,” she says softly.
Fuck. I’m messing this up. I’m doing a shit job of taking care of them. Maybe they would be better off without me? I’m sure Nash thinks so.
“No, it’s not okay,” Nash tells her.
“He’s right. You both need to eat. Finish your smoothieor whatever else you were making. I’ll be in the car.”
I grab my bag from the shelf by the door and walk out. It takes them twelve minutes before they join me in the car. I know I should check to make sure they’ve eaten, but I don’t. Nash will have made sure they had, and it’s not like they want me involved in their lives anyway.
The car is silent as I take Nash to school first. He hugs and kisses his sister before getting out, completely ignoring me. It’s not until we’re alone together that Sadie says quietly, “Sorry we’re a pain.”
My heart clenches. If Sandra treated them the way she did me, they must have always felt like a pain, a responsibility the person who was supposed to love them didn’t want. “You’re not a pain. I apologize for not being better at this.”
