She raises her eyebrows. “Don’t even try to deny it. We’ve been here, Madi. Remember?”
I inhale slowly.
“We’ve seen what it’s like for you when your mother breaks,” she continues gently. “Christ, we see what it’s like when she’s healthy. You are constantly in fight or flight.”
“I am not—”
“No.” Her voice sharpens. “You’re going to listen to me right now. I love you, and you’re going to listen.”
That shuts me up.
It physically hurts to see her looking at me like that. Like she’s scared for me and tired of watching me brace for impact.
“Me and Emmy know you better than anyone,” she says. “But there are parts of you not even we have seen. And that’s okay. You don’t owe us every layer of you. But lately… God, lately, we’ve seen you smile.”
“I always smile.”
“Not like this.”
I swallow around the sudden lump in my throat.
“You deserve something for you, Madi.”
I look at the floor, at the wall, anywhere but at her.
“Can you answer something for me?”
I finally meet her eyes.
“You don’t have to tell me. You don’t even have to say it out loud. But answer yourself honestly. How does he really make you feel?”
I hate that my brain doesn’t hesitate.
Instead, it instantly shows me him.
Beckett in my parents’ kitchen, calmly taking control while my mother unraveled.
Beckett standing close in my hallway on one of his check-ins, asking me if I’d eaten.
His hand on the small of my back when I didn’t realize I was shaking.
The way he looks at me like I’m not too much. Like I’m not a project or a problem to solve.
The way he lets me win arguments sometimes because he knows I need to feel steady.
The way he doesn’t flinch when I snap.
The way he doesn’t leave.
I scrub at my cheek and realize there’s a tear there.
Traitor.
I let out a laugh that sounds nothing like me. “He makes me feel…” I shake my head once, incredulous. “He makes me feel soft.” I whisper it, as if saying it too loudly might make it true.
Celeste tilts her head, a small smile tugging at her mouth.
“Soft, Celeste,” I repeat. “For fuck’s sake. I’ve been giggling. Me. Giggling.”
