His eyes snap to mine, wide with panic and heartbreak. “No, lass. No. She’s never even stepped foot in that house. I built it after we separated.”
I nod, a small thread of relief weaving through the tight knot in my chest. “I appreciate you telling me everything, but I’ll be honest… I don’t know where we go from here.”
He leans forward, his eyes searching mine and pleading in a way that cuts deeper than I want to admit. “I know I should’ve said something sooner. Words don’t cut it for an apology.”
There’s sincerity in his voice but doubt still gnaws at me. “Ibelieve you. I do. But the truth is, you hid a huge part of your life from me. And that part of your lifedoesaffect me.”
As much as it hurts, my decision hasn’t changed. I need space. Not just a day, not just until this pain dulls, but for however long it takes to find my footing again. Alone. Without leaning on anyone else.
“I’m going back home,” I whisper. A sob claws its way up my throat, but I swallow it down.
His expression crumbles. The light in his eyes dims, his lips pressing into a tight line. He holds my gaze, like he’s trying to will me to stay with nothing more than sheer desperation. “Juliette, please. Not yet. Not like this.”
I shake my head, tears spilling over despite every bit of me trying to hold them back. His hand moves across the table, covering mine. I don’t pull away, but I feel like I’m drowning in our connection, and ithurts. He tightens his grip, and all I can think about is how much I wish I could hold onto him forever, but I can’t.
“Please don’t shut me out,” he murmurs. “Not completely.”
Every word sends another crack through my ribs. I can’t breathe, can’t think. I want to say something to make it stop hurting, but all I can do is whisper, “I can’t make any promises right now. I need space. I still have a life back home.”
His fingers slip away from mine, and the space between us is suddenly infinite. His eyes hold his pain, but there’s also acceptance, and the smallest hint of hope that I can’t bear to see.
“I understand,” he says. “I won’t push it, but please know I’ll be here. Waiting.”
I nod, but the lump in my throat is unbearable, making it hard to breathe, let alone speak. My legs are weak as I stand. He rises, too, his movements rigid, like it’s taking everything inhim to not reach for me, to not hold me again. He doesn’t. I don’t know if that’s a blessing or a curse.
“Take care of yourself, Knox.”
I turn away, forcing myself one step forward, then another.
His hand catches my arm, pulling me back, and everything in me stalls. I go still. My breath tangles in my throat. I can’t turn around. I can’t face him again. Not when I’m about to break.
“Juliette…” His voice scrapes low and close against my ear, each word trembling like it’s being dragged from the deepest part of him. “I love you more than I can put into words. It would haunt me if I didn’t at least tell you that.”
The ache hits before the meaning does. It’s everything I ever wanted to hear.
He just made this so much harder.
He’s standing so close, the heat of his body presses into me. I feel every inch of it, every ounce of longing and anger tangled in the same knot. Why couldn’t he have been this honest when it could’ve meant something?
His lips brush across the back of my neck, so soft, so gentle, and I close my eyes. For just a second, I allow myself to feel the tenderness, the pull to let go and fall into him. But the grief is there, too, tightening around me like iron bands, refusing to let me.
I can’t look at him. If I let myself see him, really see him, I’ll lose myself.Again.
I already lost myself once, so completely that I forgot who I was. I gave up everything, and it burned me. I promised myself that wouldn’t happen again.
Every time I look at Knox, every time he gets close, there’s this impulse to surrender, to forget it all and let him in. It’s tempting. So damn tempting. But that’s the same thing that gotme hurt before and had me losing myself in someone else’s story.
I won’t do that again.
When I step out of his embrace, the space between us turns colder than anything I’ve ever experienced.
I love him so much it hurts. My heart screams at me to turn around, to fall back into him and let him heal all the cracks I’ve been pretending weren’t there. But I don’t. I don’t look back, not even for a second. Because I know if I do, I might never leave.
thirty-seven
KNOX
It’s been five days since that conversation with Juliette. Five days of pretending I’ve got it all under control, burying the misery that’s carved itself into me. It doesn’t work.
