I may not know his name, but I know he matters.
And I know I’m in trouble.
CHAPTER 20 – ANTONIO
Right before we close, I spot Luca outside. He waves, bright and earnest. The cheerful wave gives me an inexplicable twinge of guilt.
“Hi,” he says as I step outside the trattoria.
I shove my hands in my pockets.
“Hi.”
His smile falters.
“I came to invite you over for another round of cat reels.”
My stomach sinks. I’m not going to go.
It’s Caspian’s fault. He came to the trattoria, charmed me with his garlic panic, and ruined my arranged marriage before it even started.
“I have to finish an essay,” I say in a small voice, staring at my feet. It’s technically true. It’s just not due for two weeks.
“Okay.”
I’m so ashamed I can’t bear to look at him. I’d tell him the truth, but the problem is I don’t know what the truth is. Just like I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about Caspian. But I do know I’m scared. Confused. Panicking.
“There’s no essay,” I say in a rush. “I mean there is, but there isn’t. I’m sorry I said that.”
“It’s alright,” he says quietly. “I understand.”
What am I doing? I like Luca. He’s everything I should want. Nice, funny, and not friends with my high school tormentor.
“You’re so great,” I whisper, my throat tightening. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
His kind smile breaks my heart.
I blink back tears.
“There’s nothing wrong with you.” He’s holding back tears, too. “I’d like to stay friends, but it might take some time. I’ve kind of had a crush on you for a while, so I’m, um—yeah.”
I am a monster. I glance down at my hands, half expecting claws.
“Do you need a hug?” I ask, thinking how much comfort I get when my family hugs me.
He exhales and pulls me close.
“You’re a really good hugger,” I say when we part, desperate for something nice to tell him before he leaves.
Later, when I’m already in bed, I think about him.
Luca is a sunlamp: warm, bright, and comforting.
Yet some wild, hungry, greedy part of me doesn’t want a sunlamp.
It wants the sun. The whole blinding, burning sun.
But the thing about the sun is…
