Doll
The bath water turned ice cold, swishing around as I bent my knee to my chest. Water droplets slide down my thigh as I follow it with my gaze. It took me some time to finally learn how to soak myself in water and silence. Clayton is very sweet and patient with me. But, sometimes he shuts down. His face stiffs when I ask too many questions.
“Clayton, why is your hair brown and mine white?”
“Genetics.”
“Where can I get them?”
“You don’t need them.”
I always wondered, how does he know everything? Why don’t I remember how I came here? The only thing I know in this world is Clayton. I don’t like when he is angry, I want to know why I’m here. The books he reads to me show different people and ideas. Why can’t we talk to them?
But I promised him that I won’t ask again. These questions keep roaming in my head every day, they keep getting worse.
I stare at my palm, turning it on both sides as the veins swirl underneath my skin in green, blue and purple.
“Why do you call me Doll? Is that my name?”
He stares down at a mechanical machine, screwing as he answers “yes.”
That night I saw an old newspaper that had a picture on the left corner with kids holding small figures, smiling at the camera as the title read ‘new malfunctioned dolls for kids! Hurry and get yours’ I have traced the letters with my fingers, spelling eachsyllable. Dolls isn’t a name, they didn’t move, they weren’t alive. I didn’t ask him again.
A harsh knock on the bathroom door “Doll, are you alright in there?”
“Yes.”
The bathroom tiles echo my voice as I lean back letting my head fall underneath the water. The hollow sound that fills my ears always manages to make me calm. If I focus more, the water starts to sound like a deep distant hum. I wish I could stay here all the time. Clayton makes me feel safe but I don’t like the uneasiness I feel around him when his eyes turn cold.
My heart starts beating loudly in my ears as I emerge from the water, inhaling back air as I step out of the bath. A purple bathrobe hangs behind the door, a small daisy flower stitched onto the front. The fabric soft on my skin as I wear it, securing the string on my waist as I stand before the mirror. My distorted reflection stares back at me. The condensation slowly drips down the glass as I see myself clearly, unraveling with each drop. I raise my hand, hovering over the mirror as I swipe with my finger the letters slowly. Spelling them with a hushed tone.
D o l l
I step back and look at myself with the letters. “Doll.” My hushed voice haunts the bathroom. “Doll.” I raise my arms, keeping my elbows tucked beside me as I say the small figures look like. “Doll.” My lips curl up in a toothy grin. “Doll.”
A frantic knocking sounds at the door. “Doll! I have been calling you, are you okay? Open the door.”
I hold the sink as I step forward, the knocking turns aggressive. “Doll!” He yells as the door handle rattles. I tilt my head to the side as my face inches closer to the mirror. My eyes are blue with swirls of white, with a casted shadow of my white eye lashes that scatter around. My skin is soft and pale, my white hair strands sticking to it.
The door shakes as Clayton throws his weight on it, grunting. I swipe away the letters I have written on the mirror as the door snaps open and smashes to the wall.
Clayton’s shoulders sag in relief. “You scared me.” He exhales as smile at him. “Sorry.” His chest rises up and down as he walks towards me. My gaze meets him through the mirror as my back tenses, feeling his presence behind me as I watch him wrap his arms around my torso, leaning his head down to rest his chin on my shoulder. His breath grazes my neck and my body shivers. “You see what I see everyday, Doll?” My brows furrow in confusion as he smirks. His hand slides up over my neck, feeling my pulse as he wraps his fingers on my chin. “You see howbreathtakingyou look? every single feature is magnificent. You’re the most beautiful creature in this world.” My lips part, my breath hitches as his lips brush up my neck then he whispers in my ear. “Onlymine.”
He steps back a bit as he lands a kiss on my temple and walks out. I lean over the sink, head hanging down as I take in the breath I have been holding. He owns my existence, even if I walk out of this house, I will go back to him. He is my only safe place, without him I’m no one. He knows me better than I know myself. He makes me feel safe, loved, cared for. He is where I belong, my home. I love him and fear him. I can’t take all the care he has given me for granted, I need to stop asking questions that aggravate him, I need to obey him, please him, because he is mine too.
We both belong to each other. We are home.
I’m not sure how long I have stayed like this. But the sound of a thud catches my attention. I stand still as I turn towards the doorway. “Clay?” I call out, hesitant.
A glass breaks downstairs then silence. I step out of the bathroom with my hand holding the doorway, water drippingdown my body as my feet print on the floor. Is someone with Clayton downstairs?
“C-Clayton?”
I hear a faint voice of a sob as I step down the stairs. The lights are shut as I make a male silhouette in a corner on the ground.
I step forward and flinch when he yells suddenly. “Stop!” He bangs his head to the wall beside him. “STOP TALKING!” he screams, his head banging rapidly on the wall. The only sound that is around us.
“Clayton? Stop it. Why are you doing this?!” My hands started shaking uncontrollably, my lips trembling, feeling helpless.
