Paul sighs. ‘We had a fight. We were out shopping again for the wedding and then she was talking about what we should wear to her formal in two years and…’ He takes another drink. ‘And I said how did she know we’d still be together.’
‘Oof,’ says Cormac.
‘Yeah,’ I say. Really nailing human conversation tonight.
‘We got into this massive fight. She kept saying how could I not think we had a future, and I said maybe we don’t and that she needed to let me have some space.’ He shrugs. ‘I know I’m a dick for saying that, but it was how I felt.’
Cormac slaps him on the back. ‘Yeah, man, you were honest. Right, Michael?’
I think back to discussions I had with Ben like this. All the times he would cancel on me, or be cold, or tell me I was being too needy. He was always telling me how he felt, telling me how things were.
I speak before I can stop myself. ‘Sorry, but you don’t get points for being honest about your dickiness if you aren’t doing anything about it. You should actively try not to be a dick. And also, you weren’t really honest, because you weren’t feeling it any more but you didn’t tell her that.’ Then I hiccup.
Cormac makes a little ‘o’ with his mouth and picks up his beer. Paul stares at me and frowns.
Shit.
‘Oh, Paul, sorry. I didn’t mean—’
He puts up his hands. ‘No, no, you’re right. I’m a dick.’
I hate alcohol.
‘No, you’re not. Sorry,I’mbeing a dick. I was… It’s just… I’ve been there, and it sucks when a b—’
Fuck.
I cough. ‘When someone treats you like that.’
He raises his eyebrows at me.
Cormac drains the rest of his drink in one go. ‘That sucks, cuz.’
‘Yeah, sorry,’ says Paul. ‘And you’re right. I should’ve told her how I felt ages ago.’
‘Why didn’t you?’ asks Cormac.
‘I don’t know.’
I think of Ben keeping us a secret. Not letting me get too close. Freaking out about any feelings he was having.
‘Maybe you’re scared,’ I say.
Our eyes meet for a moment, then he shifts his gaze to the night sky. ‘Yeah, I think I am.’
We sit in silence for a while. I miss Ben. I miss our friendship, and our laughs and his arms around me. He was the friend I turned to for everything, but I wanted more. I wanted him to be there for me as a partner. I’ve been so angry at him for not giving me what I wanted, and terrified of losing what we did have, that I couldn’t see or didn’t care that he might be scared of what was happening between us. I thought he was too hot for feelings.
It’s the same with Paul. I’ve had him pigeonholed as a good-looking charmer but maybe he’s as scared as me in his own way.
Why are boys such idiots?
‘You OK?’ I ask.
Paul smiles. ‘Yeah.’ Then he lets out a slow breath. ‘Nah, actually I’m not. I feel like crap.’
Cormac gives him a hug. A proper one this time. ‘You’ll be all right, mate.’
They part and Paul turns to me. ‘Thank you.’
