‘No, I don’t know why he’s here.’
I’m fidgeting with my cuff and Mum places hers gently on top. ‘Then go find out.’
I take a deep breath and climb out of the car. Paul nods at Mum as she walks past. He’s wearing a blue collared shirt and he looks cute, which is really annoying.
‘Hey,’ I say. ‘How’s it going?’
He flashes a smile. ‘Not bad, you?’
I gesture towards the house. ‘OK. It’s been a bit weird since—’
‘Look, I’m sorry.’ He takes a step towards me.
I frown. ‘What for?’
His eyes are on his feet. ‘For messing things up. Not giving you what you wanted.’
I sigh. ‘Well, was it what you wanted?’
‘What?’
‘Did you want to be with me?’
‘I don’t know.’
My heart drops. ‘Well, you couldn’t give me what I wanted, then, could you?’
‘I was an asshole for meeting up with Ellen though.’
I resist the urge to make him feel better. ‘Yeah, you were a bit. Are you back with her?’
Paul shakes his head. ‘No, that didn’t feel right either. Nothing feels right at the minute. Anyway, I wanted to say sorry.’
He walks away.
‘I get it though.’
He turns back. ‘Yeah?’
‘Of course. These things take time. Working out who you are, what you are. It’s not easy.’
Paul bites his lip. ‘Can you forgive me?’
I step towards him. ‘I do. I forgive you.’ He hits me with that grin that has taken my heart and broken my self-will so many times. I take another breath to steady myself. ‘But I can’t see you any more. Not like that.’
Paul blinks. ‘But I like you.’
‘I like you too, Paul. I really stupidly like you. I think you’re hot and funny and incredibly kind.’ He’s blushing. ‘And I know you’re into me or whatever, but you aren’t ready for a relationship. And I think you still like Ellen too?’
He nods. ‘I think so.’
I shrug. ‘Well, I think she likes you too. And all three of us deserve a bit better than this mess, right?’ He nods again. ‘Don’t beat yourself up. I’ve been there. It’s crap.’
‘I just wish we could still, you know…’
I rub my forehead. ‘Me too. Believe me! But I can’t be your secret any more.’
He rubs the back of his head. ‘I wish I could offer more, but I can’t.’
