My shoulders slump, and I hide my face in my hands, forcing myself to breathe.
“Back then? What about now?” My voice has faded to a whisper. The urgency to fight, the fired-up anger, and all my resistance are fading.
My emotions are draining me.
“Now?” he asks as though he doesn’t get it.
I laugh quietly, shaking my head. “You tricked me into signing marriage papers. You forced me to move in with you. You stole me from the life I had built because you suddenly decided you wanted me back. Where's my choice now? Again, you assumed control without even giving me a chance to choose for myself,” I huff. “And then you drop bombs on me. A Bratva king?”
He clenches his jaw and takes my hand, pulling me to sit next to him on the sofa.
We sit in tense silence for a moment before I turn to him and quietly say, “Everything I do in this life is for my children. The things you have dragged us into have been terrifying for me. How do I keep them safe when I am not the one making the choices for us? When don’t I even have a say in the choices being made, because you won’t give me one?”
Slowly, Josiah nods.
Finally, I can see understanding in his expression.
“I was a fool,” he says softly. “You’re right. I didn’t…I didn’t even stop to consider it from your perspective. I only thought about keeping you safe, and I bullheaded my way through what I thought was the best way to do that.”
I breathe out, letting go of the intense emotions inside me.
“I get it,” I sigh. “If I think about the girls, and what I would do for them to make sure they were safe…I’d probably make some crazy choices, too.”
He chuckles, dry and lost, a choked sound of sadness. “I definitely made crazy choices, choices that altered our futures, and now I desperately want to make it right, but I don’t know if it’s too late. I realize that I should let you go. You and the girls. I realize that I should send you far away, with all the money you could ever need. Somewhere safe where even I can’t reach you. But Ican’t, Kayla. I can’t lose any of you.”
Looking up at him, I see a man in pain. I reach out and take his hand. Placing it on my leg, facing up, I carefully trace my finger over the lines of his palm. “You are a good father, Josiah,” I say, thinking about how he is with the girls. “I am not worried about whether or not they will have a good life if they stay with you. I know they will.”
I trust him wholeheartedly to keep them safe. I trust that he would do literally anything for them.
That isn’t the issue I am battling with. That isn’t the war raging inside me.
It’s my heart.
I can’t trust him with my heart.
I never want to feel such pain again.
I never want to break like that ever again.
I don’t know if I have the capacity to open my heart to him fully and let him love me. That terrifies me in ways I can’t let go.
Yet, somehow, when I look up at him and see the piercing gaze of those beautiful eyes, I hear myself whisper the words, “I’m not worried about our children. But I need time.”
In clear relief, he reaches out and cups his hand over my jaw. “I will give you all the time in the world, my love. I will give you everything you need if you give me the chance to prove what you mean to me,” he says.
“I just need some time,” I sigh.
He pulls his hand away in respect.
“I need something else too,” I say.
“Anything.”
“I need you to start treating me like an equal. Not like some timid little mouse who can’t think for herself. On one hand, at work, you praise me for being independent, smart, and more capable than most… yet at home, you want to wrap me up in bubble wrap and not let me out of your sight. I am stronger than you think. I am capable of making my own choices. I need you to see that and treat me like I am as capable as you are. We are married. Husband and wife. We should be a strong team just like we are in the office. Not one man drowning himself with worry while he tries to take care of a helpless little girl.”
He nods, smiling. “You make a very fair argument. I can do that. It might take a little practice,” he chuckles, “but I can stop being so controlling and start changing.”
I smile, my heart still festering with confusion and fear, but my thoughts are clearer now.
