Alara giggles. “I haven’t seen my mommy in a long time,” Alara says, avoiding the answer because it’s difficult to explain losing a parent to a child without scaring them.
When I first met Josiah, it was one of the things that we had in common. Him having lost his mother, and me having never known mine.
“I haven’t ever seen my daddy,” Kelsey says, playing with the end of her hair, twirling it around her fingertips as she thoughtfully considers her own comment. My chest tightens. It’s not the first time either of the twins has asked about their fatheror mentioned him as part of their thoughts, but it is the first time since we moved here and they’ve interacted with Josiah.
“Oh,” Alara says, nervously glancing at me.
“I think I have a daddy, because everyone has a daddy, but my daddy never came to say hello to me, and I don’t know where he is,” she continues mumbling.
I tense up, every muscle in my body going rigid as I nervously wonder if I should intervene and pull Kelsey away from this line of questioning.
But Alara answers before I have a chance to do anything. “But your mommy is the best mommy in the whole world, isn’t she?” she smiles, brushing her fingers gently through Kelsey’s hair.
“She is!” Kira shouts, running over to Alara and squishing herself onto her lap as well, almost suffocating Kelsey in the process. The girls start squabbling and batting at each other with their tiny hands.
“Oh, wow, hang on, none of that,” Alara laughs, nudging them both off her lap and onto the floor at her feet. “Go have your wars elsewhere, young warriors!”
The girls leap up and start chasing each other around with yelps of excitement.
I sit quietly, biting my lower lip while I think about Kelsey and her questions.
“You need to tell them,” Alara says. I glance up at her, and she is watching me closely.
I don’t say anything.
“I know why you want to wait. I get it, that it’s complicated and emotional and probably a challenging thing towork through in your own head,” Alara says gently. “But right now you’re hiding a massive truth from them. And they are both very smart girls. Eventually, they are going to sense they’re being lied to about something, and they might not understand what, but it’s not going to be nice for them.”
I sigh and rub my hands over my face.
“I know. I want to tell them…I just…” my voice trails off, and a heavy silence settles over the living room. The girls' laughter spills down from upstairs, where they’ve made it to their bedroom and are most likely jumping on the bed.
I sigh again and fidget with my hands. The girls have every right in the world to know who their father is. It’s not fair of me to keep that from them, the opportunity to really get to know him.
“Of course, selfishly, I also want the chance to brag to everyone about how beautiful my nieces are,” she when she sees how difficult this is for me.
“I guess it’s not just Josiah who they aren’t getting to know properly. It’s you and Isaak, too. Their family,” I say thoughtfully.
“Exactly. And we are all here, wanting to dote on them, wanting to spoil them…just waiting for you, Kayla.”
After Alara leaves, I’m upstairs, lying in a hot bubble bath, trying to soak away my stress. I close my eyes, but it only lasts two minutes before both twins burst into the bathroom to ask me for chicken nuggets.
“You just had dinner,” I scoff.
“Yes, but that was sushi, and we want nuggets now,” Kira explains, representing both of them.
“But I’m in the bath right now, so I really can’t help you with that,” I sigh.
“But then, who can help us? Where is Joz?” Kira demands.
“I don’t know, sweetheart. He’s probably busy,” I say. “Can you wait until I’m done here? I won’t be long.”
“No, we going to go find Joz,” Kelsey says, spinning on her heel and leaving in a hurry.
I sink lower into the bubbles and sigh.
I’m so torn.
I want to hold onto the one last thing I have control over. My last bit of power in this strange, challenging situation. My choice of when to tell the girls. But at this point, I’m starting to realize that clinging to that control is selfish. Not towards Josiah, but towards my twins. I have no right to do that to them. They have a whole family just waiting to dote on them.Alreadydoting on them.
