“You know why!” Theo burst out.
If only his head would stop pounding. His thoughts were fuzzy and disordered, but his emotions weren’t dulled to match. They were burning more fiercely with every passing minute. The combination made it impossible to find his usual control, words pouring from his mouth that he never thought he’d say aloud.
“The last time I wanted anything half this much, the thing I wanted died before my eyes because of my own stupid decisions. And Miriam almost did, too.”
He looked up to find Xavier staring at him in confusion.
“You’re talking about the carbuncle? Why would you even think about that? It was so many years ago.”
“It might be a distant memory for you,” Theo said bitterly, “but for me, it was yesterday. I haven’t let myself pursue something just because I wanted it since that night.” His eyes felt dull as he stared at his brother. “I leave that to you. You do enough in that arena for both of us and then some.”
Xavier flinched, the movement so slight Theo wasn’t sure if he’d imagined it.
“It was hard when I was young,” he went on, his voice a murmur. “To deny myself the things I wanted. I learned that the best way was not to ever want anything too much. For Siqual, yes, of course, but not for myself. I thought I’d outgrown selfish desires, but then I met Elowen…”
His face dropped back into his hands.
“If I let my heart take control, I’ll fail my kingdom. If I protect the kingdom by keeping my emotions out of it, I’ll fail my wife before our marriage even starts. I can’t bear to do either. I’m trapped, Xavier.”
“Theo, this is madness,” Xavier protested. “You’re not in your right mind to be saying these things. Of course you’re allowed to want things. Being royal doesn’t mean you can’t—”
“Don’t lecture me on what it means to be royal,” Theo cut him off. “You think it doesn’t matter what you do, but the only reason you can live that way is because I cover for you every day of your life.”
“Theo,” Xavier started, but he struggled for words before going on. “Whatever my failings as Father’s heir, I don’t see what it has to do with you and Elowen.”
“That’s because you don’t understand,” Theo said. “You’ve never understood. There is no me. There’s only my crown. But Elowen doesn’t want my crown. She wants me to give hermyself. And I don’t know how to give her what she wants.”
“You’re scaring me, Theo,” Xavier said. “What you’re saying…the fact that you’re saying it at all. Did you take a blow to the head in that tournament of yours?”
Theo gave a humorless laugh, but it seemed Xavier was in earnest. He pressed his hand firmly to Theo’s forehead.
“You’re burning up, Theo,” he said.
“I’m not,” Theo contradicted. “It’s freezing in here.”
“That’s because you have a raging fever,” Xavier said grimly. “You’re flushed, your movements are affected, you should see how wild your eyes look. You said yourself your head has been pounding all morning.”
“I do feel worse than I did when I woke up,” Theo acknowledged. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should sleep it off. You need to get on the road anyway if you have a hope of catching the Carrackians.”
“We’re well past sleeping it off,” Xavier said firmly. “And I’m not going anywhere. I assume this castle has an infirmary. I’m taking you there.”
Theo protested, but he didn’t have much energy to fight as Xavier strode for the door. Theo listened as if through a tunnel as his brother flagged down a servant, demanding to know where the infirmary was and asking the man to send a message to Princess Elowen.
Before Theo knew it, he was being bustled through a section of the castle he’d never before explored. Everything ached, but it wasn’t as though he was on the point of collapse. Honestly, he thought the unplanned outburst to Xavier was as great a cause of his exhaustion as whatever illness was affecting him. He felt aflash of irritation toward his overly helpful brother. It wasn’t like Xavier to make such a fuss.
The royal physician had just ushered him onto a bed in the infirmary when Elowen hurried into the room. She looked pale and anxious, and Theo found himself reaching a hand instinctively toward her. He hated to see her distressed.
“What happened?” she demanded, her eyes darting from him to Xavier to the physician.
“It’s nothing,” Theo assured her. “Don’t be concerned.”
“I’ll be as concerned as I wish to be,” she told him curtly. “Don’t be a hero, Theo, you haven’t been well since yesterday evening. Did you think I wouldn’t notice?”
He blinked at her. “Yes.” The honest answer fell from his lips without any particular emotion.
“You’re wrong, Theo.” Her voice was lower now, a musical murmur. “I notice everything about you.” Her eyes shifted to the physician. “Please tell me what’s wrong with him.”
“I don’t know, Your Highness,” he said, checking Theo over with a practiced eye. “He has a fever, that much is evident. I would guess some kind of illness. So far I don’t see anything that causes me great concern.”
