“I like it,” I say, shrugging. “It reminds me of sharing a dorm with Carter.”
“Why am I not surprised?” The tone of her voice reeks of disgust. “It’s not like you’ve grown out of the frat boy stage.”
I used to be addicted to her fire; it was the very thing that made her impossible to look away from. But now that the flames are turned on me, the sting of her heat feels like a threat.
The hot tea scorches my throat. “I’m not the same man.”
Her gaze flashes above the rim of her cup as she sips, cool and assessing. “Could’ve fooled me.”
Those blue eyes. The ones I find myself falling into, dreaming about them like an idiot. They’ve been like ice since she came back to the States, since Carter had to go and almost kick the bucket and ruin my Jackieless life.
For a brief second, I consider letting out everything I’ve held back. The things we never talk about. But this is not the time.
“Speaking of people who never change.” I move to safer ground. “I heard a certain finance executive was transferred to a branch in Serbia. His wife was complaining left and right that her life is ruined.”
Jackie lifts her chin, that elegant nose in the air. “You heard what she said about Eliza at the gala. If you think I’m going to let her breathe the same air as my family after that, you’ve forgotten who you’re talking to.”
My throat tightens. I hate the way her fierceness reminds me of how much I loved her. That fire, the way she protects her family.
“Unfortunately, I can’t.”
She sets her cup down, hard. “Why do you need to be here if it’s such an inconvenience? I don’t want you here!” Her voice,harsh and strained, cuts through the kitchen. “I have enough going on without your fucking attitude!”
Thunder cracks again, rattling the glass. The outside security lights are extinguished, along with the ones in the hall. Jackie’s sharp gasp in the sudden dark spears right through my chest. I’m out of my chair instinctively, reaching for her.
“I’m here,” I whisper.
The blackout lasts only seconds, but it’s enough. The front door bursts open, and Patrick strides in, making a beeline for Jackie. The lights hum back on as the backup generator starts up, flooding the yard and the rest of the house with light. She’s white as a sheet, trembling, her fingers clutching his arm.
The break-in did a number on her, even if she won’t admit it. Carter told me she refuses to talk about it with anyone.
“It’s just the storm,” Patrick says calmly. “There’s no one else here.”
A surge of jealousy blackens the edges of my vision. It’s irrational. But it burns through my veins, edging me to do something stupid.
Her voice wavers, dangerously close to tears. “Can you check, please?” She looks up at him, struggling to keep it together. “In my room.”
Patrick pats her hand like a concerned father and nods, helping her off the chair. “Let’s go. I’ll make sure there are no monsters under the bed.”
She sniffles in response and lets him guide her away. Before they turn the corner into the hallway, she glances over her shoulder, chewing on her words.
“Thanks for the tea.”
That hollow expression tears straight through me. The same look she had at her father’s funeral.
A statue clad in black, nodding politely at the rows of people, next to her brother and mom. They were all putting on theRawlings brave front. But her gaze seemed to reach distant shores, far away from the suffocating church.
I reached her, heart booming in my chest, mouth dry. Face to face for the first time in years. And for the briefest of moments, her armor broke open. Tears welled in her eyes, arms reaching for me. But, in a flash, she remembered herself and curled her fingers into fists by her side. She blinked the tears away, bit down on the inside of her cheek, and nodded.
All she gave me was a dry thank you. It messed me up badly, torn between wanting answers and the need to comfort her. One look, and every ounce of effort I’d spent on getting over her disintegrated into dust.
It’s the same cycle: hurt, want, repeat, and I haven’t found a way out.
Resentment toward her, but also myself, runs under the surface. Because she still makes me come undone so easily.
Every time.
I don’t want to feel like that. But Ican’tnot be near her.
