What more does she want from me?
She made it perfectly clear when she left. I didn’t fit into her world. Or her parents’. The scholarship boy they all accepted because Carter wanted to be my friend. For her, I was only temporary. Something she passed the time with. She never planned to fight for me. For us.
My anger finally snaps free, and I’m in no mood for any more games. “Grow up, Jackie. As long as Carter is my best friend, I’ll just have to bear your presence.”
Jackie reels back, eyes wide and shining, and there’s that feeling again that she doesn’t understand.
It makes no sense.
Every time I see her, it’s the same. My heart cracks open all over again. Over and over. And yet, no matter how much it hurts, I can’t stop myself from looking.
Chapter Four
JACKIE
My muscles tremble, every nerve stretched too thin. Bone-deep exhaustion doesn’t help. Smoke, shouting, and the shadows of faceless men haunt my sleep.
Useless: that’s the word that keeps eating at me. Damage control is all I can do, especially with the news of the upcoming congressional hearing.
Even my usual yoga session with Lilly fails to give me a reset.
Everything in this studio is designed to help you relax. But the low whoosh of the diffuser in the corner does nothing to bring me inner calm. The eucalyptus scent wafting around the studio can’t soothe the uneasiness. I’m far from being serene.
And then there’s the engagement dinner, Adam’s words replaying loudly in my head.
The hurt gives me a nauseating feeling of imbalance. I hate myself for not being able to let go. I thought I had, back when I left. But then I see Adam at these inevitable events, arm draped around one of his dates. Jealousy sits low and sour in my chest, and I hate that I let it in. I’m ashamed of it.
“You’re holding your breath,” Lilly says gently, facing the mat. “You’re tensing up.”
The noisy air out of my nose is more petulant than it needs to be.
“Contract the back of your throat if you want to exhale like a geyser.”
Lilly’s been my anchor to sanity ever since we met at Columbia. She’s zen in human form, calm and pure. Eventhough her studio is usually packed, she always sets time aside for our sessions.
My knee wobbles as I press my palms together above my head. In the wall of mirrors, I look weak and unsteady, fueling my anger.
His voice roars in my mind. He’s got some nerve breaking my heart and then acting like I was the one who ruined us.
My frustrated grunt catches Lilly’s attention, and she twists mid pose, graceful and infuriatingly balanced.
“You’re off center today.” Lilly releases a quiet breath and stretches her arm upwards. “Your energy is scattered.”
Sweat beads around my temples and trickles down my spine, adding to the discomfort. Maybe I can convince her to test puppy or mini-goat yoga next time.
“Trying to find it,” I grit out, pushing air through my nose, trying to focus on the gentle music flowing through the room.
“Something on your mind?” She scrunches her nose. “Aside from the obvious.”
Nobody’s claimed responsibility for the attack on the building. Carter even suspects Hall. But why would he target me? Eliza is the one who keeps receiving ominous texts from him after he narrowly escaped the police in Maine.
“No…” I shake my head in frustration. “I don’t know.”
Lilly slowly brings one hand to her leg and unfolds. “Do you want me to cleanse your office?”
“It’s…not work. We had Carter’s engagement dinner a couple of nights ago. Adam was there.” That confusing mix of feelings rises inside me again, thick and suffocating. “With someone.”
It’s a wound that just won’t close.
