She gives a noncommittal hum and I swallow my shame to keep going.
“When I finally went to Harvard, I thought I’d be free and live a little. I met Laura at a campus bar. She was so interesting, and I couldn’t care less she went to a community college nearby. It made it better. She was different. We dated for four years.”
The information piques Eliza’s interest and she finally turns to look at me.
“It ended badly? Considering she’s not in the picture?”
“I went home after graduation planning on telling my parents I wanted to propose and move her to New York. The moment I stepped off the plane she ghosted me. She didn’t answer my calls, texts. Nothing. I was frantic and thought something had happened to her. I was about to call the police.”
The next part still makes bile rise in my throat. It’s a visceral reaction I can’t shake.
“That’s when my dear father told me I shouldn’t get so worked up over Laura because it was over.”
“Did he have anything to do with her disappearing?” she asks, horrified.
“Worse. He had a hand in her coming into my life. He paid her to be with me and disappear once I graduated.”
Eliza’s eyes widen, a disgusted grimace twisting her face. “No.”
“I didn’t believe him and went back, desperate to prove it was a lie. Our apartment was empty, her things gone as if she didn’t exist.” I went to the cafeteria on campus where she worked and found out she quit the day I left.I love you. Can’t wait to start a family.The last thing she told me before I got in the car.
“Why would anyone do that? It’s sick!”
Here’s why I might be falling for this woman too. After being a gigantic dick to her this morning she’s still angry on my behalf.
“For my own good apparently. To avoid being baby-trapped or getting too distracted with girls and failing school.” In hindsight, she always pushed me to study, claimed to hate parties. I was so naive and grateful for her interest after years of being starved for any meaningful connection. “His puppet was supposed to behave and come back to be his obedient heir.”
Something broke in me after Laura. The certainty that there is nothing else to love about me besides my money rooted itself deep in my soul. “I could never trust my feelings after being so wrong, or trust anyone else to be genuine.”
She was my first everything and while it meant the world to me, she was pretending.
The notion of love was tainted. Every memory, every word muddied by the knowledge it was not only fake, but bought with a lot of money. There was no room for doubt or the feeble hope she might have loved me. After four years I couldn’t even have that. The gray area of ignorance. It was a painful void. It was only business.
“How can somebody just give years of their life away?”
“For the right amount, some people would consider it.” For a long time I tried to figure out what motivated Laura for four years to lend her life to my father. “I’m sure she had a dream she needed money for.”
Eliza’s pensive. She’s so transparent with her emotions, they’re dancing like a kaleidoscope on her features. “I wonder if it was worth it.”
“What? Spending time with me in exchange for money?” I scoff.
“No, to pay for her dreams with pieces of a man’s broken heart.”
The unexpected rush of emotion tightens my throat and leaves me speechless. Ever since it was clear I’d been played, I’ve never let myself feel the hurt and disappointment. Angus Rawlings didn’t want a weak son.
Eliza shakes her head, looking shell-shocked. “That’s horrible. Nobody deserves to be crushed with so little regard.” Then she bends her knee, shuffling closer until she can lightly squeeze my leg with her delicate hands and it’s such a bliss to be warmed by her bright light again. “That’s an awfully lonely way to live your life. But I’m not her. Other people in your life won’t be her. You can’t keep hurting everybody, yourself included. You’re a smart man. Find a way.”
She leans forward, sliding her arms around me, and holds tight, just like the night at the top of the lighthouse, fusing some of the broken parts with the sheer force of her care. “I’m still mad at you.”
“I’ll make it up to you until I leave.”
It’s supposed to be a joke, but the reality douses us in cold water. We embrace in silence until we need to reheat the food. Neither of us brings up her confession from this morning. She might regret it and I’m too confused and drained from rehashing the most humiliating and heartbreaking moment of my life.
Articles keep pouring out, a few mentioning Jackie’s statement. The sharks smell blood in the water and they’re circling, sinking their teeth into my life. Questioning my fit as the company’s CEO after my father’s death, dissecting my personal affairs, painting me as a playboy.
Even one of the biggest financial newspapers publishes a damning piece that affects the price of our shares. It’s the first big drop in thirty years. And it’s my fault. I should be back doing damage control, not having a heart-to-heart with a woman I’ll never see again after my exile is finished.
Exposing my past to her only reminded me of what my life is supposed to be. There is no place for her and no point in considering it. The feelings I might have are irrelevant. My life and work are in New York.
