Hannah continued with the buttons, unhurried and methodical. By the time she reached the last one, Janie’s whole body trembled, not from fear but from anticipation and need, and from the overwhelming notion of Hannah truly seeing her again.
“Do you remember our first night together?” she asked.
Hannah smiled and wiggled her eyebrows. “I’llneverforget that.” She tapped her forehead. “It’s burned into my brain.”
Janie took Hannah’s hand and kissed each of her fingertips. “You were in more of a hurry to take off my dress that night.”
“This is different,” Hannah whispered. “Back then, I just wanted to get laid, and I had no idea I’d found someone so special.” She shook her head, never taking her eyes from Janie’s. “But I nearly lost you. And I had no idea that the last time we made love might be thelasttime we made love. This is a gift, and I want to take in every second.”
Janie parted her lips, wanting to respond to the beauty of Hannah’s sentiment. But words eluded her, and she feared that even if she found some, they wouldn’t make it out of her mouth without the choke of tears.
Hannah pushed the dress off Janie’s shoulders, and it pooledat her feet. Janie stood there in the black, lacy underwear she’d purchased at the same shop as the dress yesterday, fighting the urge to cover herself. She’d been ridiculous, buying a new outfit and sexy underwear, thinking it might solve their problems, thinking it might hide her ugliness, inside and out, somehow.
And now Hannah was stepping back.
Janie watched her face carefully for any hint of disappointment or hesitation. But there was only wonder and reverence. “You’re staring.” She tried for humor, but her vulnerability sang louder than anything else.
“I’m memorizing,” Hannah said and traced her fingers along the textured skin of a stretch mark that ran from Janie’s hip toward her navel.
“They’re taking their sweet time to fade,” Janie said, barely hearing her own voice. She looked down at the road map of lines marring her skin. They’d changed considerably from the raised red slashes immediately following the birth of the triplets, but for her, they pulsed like live train tracks across her body.
“They’re part of you, so they’re beautiful.You’rebeautiful.” Hannah splayed her hand over Janie’s stomach, the soft, rounded part that hadn’t existed before the triplets, that Janie had tried so hard to hide under loose clothes. “This body made our daughters. This body is a fucking miracle, Janie.”
The tears came again, and Janie didn’t try to stop them. Hannah pulled her close and held her while she cried. They weren’t sad tears as such. The tiny little drops were filled with something more complicated: self-loathing, loneliness, shame. Months and months of it. And standing almost naked in front of her wife, whose tender gaze couldn’t have been more loving and supportive, the slow, painful shedding of those feelings truly began.
“I’m sorry.” Janie hiccupped. “I’m crying all over your shirt.” She brushed uselessly at the wet patch on Hannah’s button-down, the one that made her eyes pop. “This is supposed to be sexy.”
“This is sexy,” Hannah said, her expression serious. “You being honest about what you’re feeling and trusting me with your vulnerability. You’ve never been sexier.”
Janie’s heart sped up as Hannah guided them toward the bed. Hannah sat on the edge and pulled Janie to stand between her legs.
“Your turn,” Hannah said, looking up at her. “If you want to.”
Janie looked at her hands. They’d stopped shaking for now, at least. She ran her fingers along Hannah’s collar then popped each button slowly, revealing the sports bra underneath, the flatness of her stomach, the familiar landscape of her body.
Hannah shrugged out of the shirt and tossed it aside, then pulled her bra over her head. She wasn’t shy about her body and never had been. Janie supposed that came from her years in the Army, but she didn’t know for sure. However Hannah’s confidence had come about, Janie envied it. Hannah’s willingness to be naked made Janie love her all the more, because she was letting herself be vulnerable in a different way and offering herself without reservations or caveats.
Janie traced the defined muscle of Hannah’s shoulders, the evidence of hours spent working on cars, tanks, and armored vehicles. Her strength was one of the things Janie loved about her. She followed the line of Hannah’s shoulders with her lips, kissing and nibbling, making her way down the center of her chest. “I missed you,” she whispered against Hannah’s skin. The power of what they were doing caught up with her and almost dropped her to her knees. “I missed us.”
“I’m right here,” Hannah said hoarsely. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Janie looked up, recognizing the need in Hannah’s voice, and their eyes locked. For a long moment, she simply stared into Hannah’s eyes. She wasn’t sure exactly what she was looking for, or what it would even look like if she knew. What she did find was a deep ocean of love, a yearning that went beyond physical desire but one which still needed that intimacy to fully reconnect,to become who they were together. Her heart knocked against her ribs, as if trying to reach out for Hannah and bring her back inside, where she belonged. This was Hannah, her wife. The woman who had seen Janie at her absolute worst and was still here, still choosing her, still looking at her like she hung the moon.
Hannah cupped Janie’s face. “Do you want to keep going?”
Janie placed her hand over Hannah’s. “I do.” She swallowed, the rising heat determined to take control of her mind as well as her body. “God, I do.”
Hannah winked and slipped her hands around Janie’s back. “This is new too, right?” She gave a wicked grin, unhooked the bra easily, and slid it from Janie’s shoulders.
Janie fumbled at Hannah’s belt buckle. She tugged it hard, but the damn thing wouldn’t come loose. “Get these off,” she said, pulling at Hannah’s jeans’ pocket.
Hannah chuckled. “Are you in a hurry now?”
Janie shrugged. “I want to feel your skin against mine.”
Hannah shed her jeans, boxers, and socks in seconds. Then she pulled Janie down onto the bed and rolled them over, so they were facing each other, bodies aligned, chests pressed so close they could Morse code their love in heartbeats.
“Hi,” Hannah said softly as she pushed a few strands of Janie’s hair behind her ear.
