“I’m scared that the meds won’t work, and that I’m too broken to come back from this.”
Maria covered Janie’s hand with her own. “You are not broken, mija.”
“Did you suspect it could be PPD?”
“I’ve lived long enough to recognize when someone’s guilt is bigger than what actually happened, but that can have many names.Yourshame has teeth that don’t want to let go.” Maria squeezed Janie’s hand and then returned to her coffee. “A friend of mine went through something similar years ago. She had twins, and about a year after they were born, she started having these intrusive and terrible thoughts about something happening to her babies, about being a terrible mother. She hid it for months because she was ashamed, and because, like you, she thought it meant she was broken.”
Janie bit her bottom lip. Of course she wasn’t the first mom to feel this way. Hearing about someone else’s awful experience shouldn’t make her feel better, and yet, it kind of did. “What happened?”
“Finally, her husband saw there was something wrong, and he made her see a doctor. She was diagnosed with PPD, just like you.” Maria smiled. “The medication changed her life. She told me that it was like someone had turned down the volume on all the terrible voices in her head. She could finally hear herself think again, and she could be present with her children without the constant intrusion of guilt and fear.”
Janie had so many questions, and Maria always seemed to have the answers or an anecdote, at least. But this time, Janie wasn’t sure she was ready to hear those answers. She took a deep breath and thought about her family, recalled the hope in Hannah’s eyes when they planned to have dinner together that night. She had to be strong. She owed Hannah and the girls that. “Did it change her? The medication?”
“It made her more herself, not less. That’s what good treatment does. It doesn’t change who you are. It just removes the illness that’s been dragging you down.”
Janie picked at the concha on her plate. “I’m scared. What if I take it and I’m still like this? What if it proves that this is just who I am now?”
“And what if it works?” Maria asked gently. “What if, in a few weeks, you look at your daughters and feel joy instead of guilt? What if you can be present with Hannah without the constant voice telling you that you don’t deserve her? What if you get yourself back?”
The possibilities sounded too enormous to hope for. “When I told Hannah everything, she didn’t judge me, just like you said she wouldn’t. She shared her own close calls with the girls. She said every parent makes mistakes.”
Maria’s eyes shone with unshed tears. “And how did that feel? Having your shame met with compassion?”
“Like I could breathe for the first time in months.” Janie’s heart ached at the empathy in Maria’s gaze. Their connection had been so instant. Where would she have ended up if Maria hadn’t jumped into her car that fateful Sunday? Her own tears were warm behind her eyes.
“That’s what love does. It says you’re human. You’re worthy. You’re not alone.” Maria squeezed Janie’s hand. “This is the start of your healing, mija. It is not the end of who you are, but the beginning of finding yourself again.”
Janie blinked and released her hot tears. “I want to bring Hannah here to meet you. You’ve been such a huge part of my life this past couple of weeks, and I want her to know you and to understand what you’ve done for me.”
Maria smiled widely. “I would love that. Bring her anytime.”
“We have our first official date on Saturday,” Janie said. “I’m going to suggest that we explore this neighborhood. We could end up here, if that’s okay?”
“Of course it is. I’ll keep your favorite table ready.” Maria’s expression turned more serious. “And Janie? I’m proud of you for being brave enough to get help and for trusting Hannah with your truth. Facing your demons and embarking on a healing journey takes real courage.”
Janie wanted to argue that it was desperation, not courage, that had gotten her this far. But maybe that was the depression talking. Maybe Maria was right, since she usually was, and choosing to get help was the bravest thing of all.
After they’d talked some more about everyday things instead of their usual serious stuff, Janie caught sight of the time. “I’m sorry, I have to go.” She grinned, feeling a little lighter than she had when she’d first sat down with Maria. “I’m going home to do our therapy homework.”Home. Where her heart and her family were. It sounded good to her ears.
After she’d gotten up, Maria pulled her into a hug. “Remember, you’re not alone in this anymore. You have Hannah, and Rae, and your medication.” She gently cupped Janie’s cheek. “And you have me. We’re all here, ready to help you carry what is too heavy to carry alone.”
Janie sank into Maria’s embrace and let herself be held, let herself believe that maybe, just maybe, she was going to be okay.
After a few hours at the office, where she’d been slightly more focused, Janie went to the apartment to change and then drove to the house. The box of pills she’d picked up on the way to work sat in the center console, both foreboding and tempting. But she’d decided to take the first one tonight with Hannah, thinking of it as a symbol of her commitment to their family, and she wanted to share the moment.
She drew up alongside their house and cut the engine. Everything looked so normal from the outside. It was impossible to tell that she’d almost torn the foundations of their family down.Had any of their neighbors even noticed her absence? Were they judging them? Janie pressed her palms together, closed her eyes, and took a few long, deep breaths. This wasn’t the energy she wanted to take inside. She wanted normality, to help with the girls, eat together, soak in some of the comfortable domesticity she’d been missing out on while she’d…
Janie stopped herself again and exhaled loudly, focusing hard on releasing the negative energy. This evening was about moving forward.
She locked the car and headed up the path to the front door. When she took hold of the handle, a flashback of the day she’d left assailed her, when she hadn’t quite been able to let go, simultaneously wanting to hold it closed so Hannah didn’t emerge and convince her to stay while also struggling not to push it back open and return to the safety of her wife’s arms.
The pulse in her head pounded hard, pressing against the back of her eyes, making her vision spotty and soft. She had to lean against the door to stop from sliding to the ground.Deep breaths. Janie glanced back at her car. No one knew she was here yet. She could turn around and leave, text and say she couldn’t make it… She sucked in another burst of cool air. Rae would say this was the depression talking. Maria’s friend had said the medication quieted the vociferous little bastard. Right now, all Janie could do was remember that her beautiful family was waiting for her on the other side of her fear.
She threw open the door, and the chaos was immediate and perfect. Tia and Luna ran to the door shrieking “Mommy! Mommy!” while Chloe hung back for the briefest of moments before joining in. Janie dropped to her knees and gathered all three of them into her arms, breathing in their shampoo and toddler-sweet smell, and her joy pushed her dread back a little, at least for now. “Hi, babies,” she murmured. “I missed you so much.”
Hannah came from the kitchen, dish towel over her shoulder, looking domestic and handsome in her jeans and shirt combo,mostly covered by an apron. Janie’s heart expanded when Hannah gave her that soft, private smile that somehow conveyedallher love and desire. It was a smile Janie hadn’t seen for a while, and seeing it now took her breath away.
“Dinner’s almost ready,” Hannah said. “Are you hungry?”
