Hannah rubbed the top of her head and glanced away. “Someone did,” she said. “I was looking for a fight, and I got one.”
Janie bit her lip and held back her judgment. That was the kind of behavior her mother had said was an issue. “I closed the door on you. I wouldn’t have told you anyway, even if you’d been sober. I was too caught up in my own shame. I failed them. I fell asleep and Chloe could’ve died.”
Hannah looked at her as if all the puzzle pieces had fallen into place. “That’s why you left.”
“I woke up that morning and couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. I went into the children’s room, but I couldn’t look at Chloe without seeing that purple around her mouth. And I definitely couldn’t have faced you. The girls are your life.” Janie dropped her arms and stared at the floor. “Ihadto leave. You don’t come back from something like that. You don’t even let it happen if you’re a good mother. I’m unfit, Han. My mother’s right: I’m not capable of taking care of my own children.”
“Stop.” Hannah’s voice was sharp enough that Janie’s head snapped up. “Stop right there. You’re notunfit. You made a mistake. A human, understandable, could-happen-to-anyone mistake.”
Janie narrowed her eyes. It looked like Hannah and sounded like Hannah, but there was no way she could just forgive Janie for what she’d done. Where was the anger and rage? “But it didn’t happen to anyone,” she said. “It happened to me, so it happened toyourchildren.I’mthe one who fell asleep. I’m the one who abdicated my parental duties. I’m the one?—”
“You’re the one who was fucking exhausted,” Hannah said. “You’re the one who was trying to do everything for three months: work full time, handle most of the childcare because I’ve been getting the garage up and running, manage our household, be a perfect mother and wife and professional. You’re the one who was drowning, and I didn’t see it.I’mthe one who didn’t throw out the life preserver.”
Hannah pulled Janie into her arms, and she didn’t resist. She collapsed against Hannah’s chest, sobbing. But safe.
“I’m so sorry,” Hannah murmured into Janie’s hair. “I’m so sorry I didn’t see how much you were struggling. I failed you so completely.”
“You didn’t?—”
“I did.” Hannah pulled back just enough to look into Janie’s eyes. “You needed me that night, and I wasn’t there for you. I should’ve asked more questions, made space for you to talk to me. But I was too obsessed with the triplets and the garage.”
Janie stared into Hannah’s eyes, searching for the judgment and the rebuke, but all she saw was acceptance and love. She couldn’t put her feelings into words. She could only cry while Hannah held her and rocked her gently.
“Every parent has these moments,” Hannah said after a while. “You know what happened this week? I was at the store with the girls. I turned my back for literally two seconds to grab pasta from the shelf, and when I turned around, Tia had somehow climbed halfway out of the cart. She was dangling, about to fall headfirst onto the floor. I caught her, but if I’d been one second slower, she could’ve slipped out and cracked her skull open.”
Janie hiccupped and buried herself deeper into Hannah’sembrace. Was Hannah making that up just to make Janie feel better? Or was it true and all parents had near-misses with their children? Was her guilt universal?
“And last week,” Hannah said, “I was so exhausted after a long day that I almost ran a red light with our girls in the car. All parents have those moments, where we’re exhausted, and overwhelmed, and something could go wrong. That doesn’t make you unfit. It makes you human.”
“But I fell asleep?—”
“You wereexhausted. You’d been running on empty for months. And yeah, Chloe got into something she shouldn’t have. But you woke up, realized what happened, and got her help immediately. That’s what a good parent does. A bad parent wouldn’t have called 911 or have worried about it at all. They wouldn’t have carried the guilt and separated themselves from their children for fear of hurting them.”
Janie wanted to believe Hannah’s words, but the shame was so deeply embedded it had infiltrated her DNA.
“Why are you telling me this tonight?” Hannah asked gently. “Is it because of your mom? And what David said?”
Janie had almost forgotten the second part of the nightmare. “Partly. I know that the investigators will get the hospital record somehow, no matter how confidential it’s supposed to be. And she’ll use it.” She blinked away the unwanted image of their girls being dragged away by her mother. They probably wouldn’t even allow visitation. “But I’ve been talking to Maria, a new friend,” she said and gave a hesitant smile. Her relationship with Maria was the only good thing to have come from this whole tribulation. “She made me see that keeping this secret wasn’t good for any of us.”
“Maria?” Hannah asked.
Janie recognized that tone and sat up from Hannah’s embrace slightly. “Don’t be like that. She’s…” She pondered an analogy that would resonate with Hannah. “She’s like my Yoda, all wise and knowing. And about a hundred years old,” she added for a little levity and to ease Hannah’s jealousy.
“That’s the kind of friend I can get on board with,” Hannah said and laughed lightly. “But I’ll fight your fucking mother with every breath in my body.”
“She can’t take them,” Janie said, fresh panic rising in her chest. “If she does, it’ll be my fault. If I hadn’t fallen asleep, if I had been more careful, if I was just a better?—”
“Stop.” Hannah cupped Janie’s face in her hands, forcing Janie to look at her. “Your mother is not taking our children. We’re not going to let that happen. Do you understand me? We’re going to fight this, and we’re going to win.”
“But the ER records?—”
“Show that you responded appropriately to anaccident. That’s what a judge will see, right? An exhausted parent, a moment of inattention, a child who got into something she shouldn’t have, and a mother who immediately got her medical care. There’s no neglect there. Or abuse. Making mistakes is just part of being a parent.”
“You don’t know that. What if the judge?—”
“Then we’ll have documentation showing everything we’ve done since. Carmen. My dad helping. Therapy. Better childproofing. All our friends vouching for us. We’ll show that we took this seriously and made changes. That’s what responsible parents do.” Hannah thumbed the tears from Janie’s cheeks. “But more importantly, we’re going to do this together. Not you alone, carrying all this guilt and fear. Us. As partners. As a team.”
Janie wanted to believe it. God, she wanted to believe it so much. “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you right away,” she whispered. “But I was so ashamed, and I was so scared you’d look at me differently. That you’d see me the way I see myself, as someone who failed our children.”
