He squeezed her hand gently. “This isn’t a good apology, is it?”
She tilted her head slightly. It really wasn’t, but it was progress,andit was the longest discussion they’d had in forever.
“I’m sorry. Your momma told me I should get better at admitting when I was wrong.”
Fresh air caught in Shay’s throat, and she coughed. A tearandan apology? She must’ve slipped into a multiverse. “Momma told you that a long time ago, and she’s been gone six years. You’re telling me that you’ve held onto your anger at me just because I joined the Army? Is that enough of an excuse to treat me the way you have? And none of this explains why you were never home when I was a child.” She looked away, unable to hold his gaze following her outburst, and she had no idea where the last accusation had come from. She thought she’d accepted that part of her childhood. He took a few deep breaths and held his chest. Once again, she considered whether or not to call for a nurse. “Are you in pain?” Maybe she’d pushed him too far.
“No, no. I’m all right.” He pushed up to a sitting position and tugged the sheet over his stomach. “You want to know why I was never home?” He mirrored her responding nod. “Because I had six kids and a wife to feed. I didn’t finish school, Shanae. I was making less than seven dollars an hour working every shift I could get. When I wasn’t bussing tables, I was cleaning up this hospital or driving bus routes. After all that, there wasn’t a whole lot of time left to take you to the park or to watch one of your spelling bees.” He ran his hand over his beard. “That’s why raising you kids fell to your momma. That’s why I couldn’t read you a story and tuck you into bed at night. Don’t you think I wanted all of those things? You think I didn’t miss playing catch with you and my boys on the weekend?”
He clutched his hand to his chest again, and it hit her that he was stopping himself from sobbing. His version of an apology needed work, for sure, but he’d decided to finally talk to her,and she’d never thought about how much he’d had to work to keep their family off the streets. She’d never thought of it from his perspective at all. “But I’ve been here for six years, Daddy, and you haven’t been working. You’ve had all this time to spend with me, and you haven’t wanted it. You’ve been like Jekyll and Hyde, asking me to come and fix something, and then getting me out of your sight as soon as possible. Are you telling me that’s all the result of you being angry at my career choice?”
“It wasn’t just that.” He sighed. “You remind me so much of your momma sometimes, it’s painful. Like she’s here but not here. It’s emotional torture, and that’s why I want you here, and then I act like I can’t be anywhere near you.” He pounded his chest with his fist. “It hurts so bad. Your momma was everything to me.”
Shay inspected her nail polish, trying to focus on anything other than the spiky ball rolling around her stomach. Since Mexico, she’d been able to feel almost happy when she had thoughts of her momma. She’d been the antithesis of Rosie’s mom, which had only served to increase the gratitude Shay had for being lucky enough to be her momma’s daughter. But her daddy’s grief bled from him and invaded her whole being, reminding her of what she’d lost too soon. “Wealllost her, Daddy,” she said quietly, wrung out from the conversation and just about done with it.
“I know,” he said. “And I haven’t been handling it.” He touched the bandage wrapped around his head. “But this has knocked some sense into me. If the docs here hadn’t caught this in time, I’d be with your momma right now, and as much as I want that in a way you probably don’t understand, the Lord obviously saw fit to keep me here. And I’m figuring that gives me a second chance. A chance to put things right between us…if you’ll let me try.”
Shay didn’t say anything. She twirled her finger curls and thought about the way her momma used to spend hours fixing her hair, telling her how pretty she was, and how she’d wanted to hear her daddy say the same thing. But almost every time, she’d ended up pulling on a silk sleep cap and going to bed without him everseeing how beautiful her momma had made her hair.
Well, he was here now, saying he wanted to see her, but she hadn’t anticipated where this conversation might lead. If she were totally honest with herself, she’d expected him to shut her down and refuse to talk at all.
But he hadn’t.
And even better than that, he’d led the charge, owning up to his shortcomings in his own particular way and opening the door for them to embark on a new relationship. That was all she’d wanted since she’d left the Army, to relate to him as an adult instead of just his daughter. But she needed time to process everything he’d said, and he had to let go of a lot of anger. It wasn’t going to be an easy path, and the perfect daddy-daughter relationship wouldn’t happen for them overnight, but this was a start. This was more than she could ever have hoped for just a few short weeks ago.
Her daddy had been prepared to talk, but equally, she’d finally been prepared to listen. That willingness had a lot to do with Rosie and how she’d cracked open Shay’s shell without even trying. She recalled Aaron’s accusation that she’d closed herself off after their momma had died, and she was slowly realizing he might be right.
But where there’d only been darkness and shadow, light was now penetrating the cracks and illuminating the possibilities. She’d been lying to herself that intimate relationships weren’t worth her time and energy, hiding from the vulnerability created from caring for someone…and allowing them to care for her. And then, possibly, losing them. And as that dawned her, she rocked from the recognition that Rosie had become that person for her, despite all of Shay’s rules and boundaries.
Her friend with benefits had become the lover she craved time with. But Rosie was happy with their situationship, wasn’t she? She’d said she was no longer searching for her Princess Charming, so Shay couldn’t upset the delicate balance they’d found.
She looked up at her daddy, who was watching her with what looked like hope in his eyes. She nodded and squeezed his handtightly. “Okay, Daddy, let’s try.”
His answering smile matched the one on his wedding photographs. It was so genuine and unguarded, so hopeful and full of anticipation of good things to come. She couldn’t wait to tell Rosie how this had gone down…even if she couldn’t tell her how she felt about their relationship.
CHAPTER 25
Four minutesand thirty-one seconds had never passed so slowly or been so incredibly painful. Rosie cringed when Axl Rose sang the thinly-veiled reference to his sexual organ, and Shay glanced at her, clearly trying to conceal a wry smile. Rosie shook her head. “Oh, God,” she whispered.
Shay took her hand and squeezed it gently. “It’s okay.”
Rosie clenched her jaw to keep her mouth closed. Shay’s intimate gesture moved her but surprised her too. Those feelings continued when Shay didn’t pull away, and the warmth of her hand remained in Rosie’s. They hadn’t seen each other in the flesh since the photo shoot, and Rosie had missed Shay’s touch and the feel of her skin, but mostly, she’d just missedher. “Thank you again for coming,” she said quietly just before the song finally ended.
Shay ran her thumb over the back of Rosie’s hand softly. “I made you a promise, and I never break my promises.”
Rosie’s heart raced. God, Shay was perfect for her. If only she was capable of making a promise to commit to them really being together.Thatwould be a promise Rosie could treasure and hold onto for the rest of her life. She shook the ridiculous thought away. Rosie had known what she was getting into when they started their friends with benefits situation, and there was no changing the rules now. It wasn’t forever. It was for right now. Their time together was still better than any of her relationships where there’d been some far-off vision of a future. Knowing there wasn’t one on the horizon removed the pressure and allowed them to truly enjoy the present moment.
She made her way to the small stage where Alyssa had createda stunning floral arrangement of black roses and golden-sprayed foliage. Rosie’s mom would’ve loved it, though she would’ve bitched about the gold being fake. But the memorial had cost enough already, and with a $50,000 debt still looming large, she’d have to lump it.
She turned and looked around at the small number of people gathered in the modest, exposed brick loft of Round Run Records. This place was the only one of sixteen stores she’d tried who were open to hosting a memorial, and they’d been her last hope to fulfill one of her mom’s most adamant final wishes—she’d underlined it repeatedly and circled it so many times, the pen had almost gone through the paper. Rosie had always thought her mom loved music more than her. She lost count of the times her mom bought new vinyl instead of food, claiming music fed her soul. To a young Rosie, it was a claim that left her hungry and sucking on stolen sugar cubes from a nearby café.
She gripped the mic briefly before deciding she didn’t need it to be heard and pushed it aside. “My mom used to love regaling me with fanciful adventures involving one friend or another, leading me to believe she was incredibly popular. When I called to tell all those friends about Mom’s passing and this memorial, I expected them to rush to Chicago to say their final goodbyes.” She gestured to the half-empty room. “But in the end, she wasn’t even a little bit popular, because not a single person she actually knew wanted to be here. And the only people gathered here today have come for me, not Mom.” She looked at Shay, whose presence meant so much, given what she was going through with her own family. Shay’s answering smile brightened the room more than any of the unused spotlights could have, and her light chased away the darkness Rosie’s mom cast in her heart. “It’s sad for her, but I’m overwhelmed with gratitude to you. The friends and…” She thought of how to describe Shay and came up empty. What she’d give to call Shay her partner or girlfriend. “Well, I’m so grateful to Lori and my new friends who are my chosen family.” Rosie blew a kiss in the direction of Shay, Gabe, and the rest of the gang.
Then she locked eyes with Alyssa and smiled. “And I’m grateful to old friends I’ve neglected, and I hope that now that we’ve reconnected, we’ll stop wasting precious time.” In her peripheral vision, she saw Shay glance over her shoulder, but her neutral expression gave nothing away.
“Memorials are supposed to be an opportunity to celebrate and remember the person who’s passed. People are supposed to tell anecdotes and stories of special times. They read poems or passages from books that were important to the person. I’m told there can be dancing and singing too.” She looked again at Shay, who smiled and nodded encouragement. “But there’s none of that today, which I’m sort of ashamed about. But the great thing about being here with you is that I can say that without feeling judged. There’s no one here who can share lovely stories about my mom that’ll make you feel warm and cuddly inside. There are no heartwarming tales of her generosity or selflessness. There’s no one here whose life was positively influenced by her. The most positive thing she did for me was give me life, so I’m thankful for that, at least.”
Lori laughed lightly. “I’m thankful for that too.”
