She headed back down the corridor to put the letter in herpurse, gathered her things, and went downstairs to greet Shay. Rosie put her case in the trunk and got in the car. “Thanks again for doing this.”
“You don’t have to keep saying that.”
“I know, but I probably will.” Rosie clicked her belt into place as Shay pulled into traffic. “I’m pretty much used to being self-sufficient and having to fend for myself. I’m definitely not used to someone being willing to inconvenience themselves to help me.”
Shay glanced at her briefly and frowned. “Lori’s always there for you, isn’t she?”
“Yeah, she is,” Rosie said, “but we’ve only known each other for just over six years. I’ve been like this for over three decades, and it takes a lot longer to unlearn responses than it does to learn them.” She stared at Shay’s profile, thinking that this would probably change everything. After Shay had seen Rosie ugly cry, and after all that was to come in the next however many hours, she probably wouldn’t want to touch Rosie again. The veil had officially been dropped, and there was nothing sexy about watching someone dissolve into their grief.
“Do you think those responses are reversible?” Shay asked.
“I used to think so.” Rosie shifted in the bucket seat so she could stare at Shay without getting a cricked neck. “That’s mostly why I followed the career path I did; I wanted to know that people could change, thatIcould change…and that my mom could too.”
Shay wrinkled her nose. “But now you’re in marketing…”
Rosie laughed. “Now I’m in marketing.”
“Because leopards don’t change their spots, or whatever cliché you want to go with?”
“I honestly don’t know anymore.” Rosie sighed deeply. She hadn’t had this conversation with anyone, including herself. “I had clients coming to me every two weeks for years, and it just got to the stage where I didn’t think we were making progress. They just didn’t want to put the work in, or they felt like theycouldn’tput the work in. Whatever it was, there was no real change, and I started tofeel jaded, like I was wasting my time and their money.”
“Come on,” Shay said. “You’ve got to have had clients who got better, or improved, or something.”
“I guess so, but sometimes, people just stop coming, and you don’t ever get to know what their outcome was.” Rosie shrugged. “I needed a change of scenery, so now I?—”
“Use psychology to manipulate people into buying expensive shit they don’t need?”
“Wow, that’s harsh.” Rosie gently shoved Shay’s shoulder. “You really know how to beat a girl when she’s down, huh?”
Shay turned quickly, her eyes wide and her expression concerned. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I was trying to lighten the mood and keep your mind off…y’know, things.”
Rosie smiled. “And it’s working. I’m teasing you. And honestly, it’s hard to grieve someone who was never really fully there.” She bit her lip, a little unsure how comfortable Shay would be talking about the loss of her own mom. “I’m sure it’s different for people who had good relationships with their parents. But I feel like I might’ve grieved for her the most when I was a kid, when I really needed her, and she never came through.” She took a moment to dig deeper and think about her initial reaction. “I’ve got a whole mixed bag of emotions running roughshod through my mind right now, including guilt.”
“Why guilt?”
“I told you that Mom said she had to go to Mexico for medication for kidney disease, but I didn’t really believe her.” Rosie wiped her nails as if they were covered in a fine sprinkling of dust. “I called Aunt Sheila, but then I ignored the situation, thinking Mom’d just come back like she always does—did. I left a message asking her to call me back, but I didn’t keep calling. I didn’t find out what medication she needed to see if I could get it for her without her going to Mexico.”
Shay slowed the car to join the end of the traffic line on Airport Road then half-turned toward Rosie. “She died of an overdose, sonone of that mattered.”
“She took the drugs without the hospital staff knowing, yes,” Rosie pressed her lips together tightly and shook her head, “but the doctor I talked to said that Mom had been admitted with complications arising from her kidney disease. That’s why she was there. And if I’d done more, maybe she wouldn’t have been there at all.” She wanted to continue but had to stop as the guilt seemed to wrap around her lungs, making it difficult to breathe, let alone speak. Of course guilt would be her overriding emotion, even stronger than her grief. It was her overdeveloped sense of guilt that her mom had played on all her life.
Shay pulled into the airport parking lot and switched off the engine. “You haven’t told me everything about your mom, but it sounds like she always did what she wanted to do whether you tried to help her or not. You shouldn’t carry that kind of guilt around with you. It only gets heavier as the years pass.”
Shay sounded like she was speaking from experience, but Rosie didn’t press. She was conscious of the time, and their last-minute flight was due to depart shortly. They got their luggage and headed into the terminal enveloped by a weighty silence. Rosie was too preoccupied to make small talk, and Shay seemed lost in her own thoughts. Only then did it occur to Rosie that Shay might be dealing with unresolved feelings around the death of her own mom—did she say it had been six years? Shay had choked up and been unable to talk about it, other than to say that she thought her father blamed her in some way. Her offer to come with Rosie now seemed like even more of an imposition. Supporting her when she was still clearly grieving the death of her own mom was like exposure therapy. Rosie began to worry that it might all be too much.
She caught Shay’s wrist just as they were about to go through security. “I really appreciate you coming this far, but I think it might be best if you let me go alone.”
“What? Why?” Shay asked, not pulling away.
“You’ve got your own grief over your mom’s death to deal with, and I think traveling with me as I face mine probably isn’t the wisest move.” She released Shay’s arm reluctantly and hoped she’d infused her words with a genuine encouragement she didn’t feel. Having Shay by her side for this already felt natural and comforting, and she really didn’t want to do this alone. But the hesitancy in Shay’s response and the multitude of emotions that flashed across her eyes told Rosie that she’d said the right thing…for Shay. “I’ll text you when I land and let you know when I’m coming home.”
“Uh, but I’ve got a ticket, and I’m here now.” Shay held out her phone and pointed to the boarding pass on the screen.
Rosie smiled and touched Shay’s arm. She wanted to caress her cheek, but that seemed too intimate and not friend-like at all. “But you’re not really here, are you? You’re in your head about losing your own mom—” she held up her hand when Shay opened her mouth to protest, “and that’s okay. Honestly.” She tapped her purse. “Lori’s sent me a whole raft of information about the American Citizens’ Service and how they can help me get my mom home and sort her estate, what there is of it. I’ll be fine.”
Shay continued to look torn between the sense Rosie was making and her sense of duty, which solidified Rosie’s resolve not to let Shay come with her. She took a few steps back, and Shay followed.
“Shay, please. I’ll be okay. Go home.” Rosie turned and walked away, rolling her small suitcase behind her. She didn’t look over her shoulder as she showed her ticket and passport to security, or when she rounded the corner to join the line of people taking off their belts and sorting their electronics and liquids from the rest of their luggage. She sucked in a deep breath. She’d always been alone, whether she was barricading herself in her bedroom to keep her mom’s boyfriends from coming in or graduating from college with honors. Bad or good, Rosie had learned to rely only on herself, just as she had to now. So what was that gnawing disappointment doing lurking in her gut? And why did this timefeel that little bit different?
