“I’m sorry,” Taryn whispered and squeezed Cassie’s hand.
“A drunk driver crashed into our bedroom.” Cassie hovered above the scene, trying so hard to control old hurts. “He was only five, and I couldn’t help him, Taryn. I couldn’t get him out.” A sob racked through her chest as the flames from the car engulfed their room. Her screams echoed in her head as her father dragged her out over the wall the car had decimated.
Taryn pulled Cassie closer and held her. She dropped her head onto Taryn’s chest and released it, all of it. She hadn’t cried like this for so long, and there was a peculiarly satisfying release to it. Taryn gently ran her hand over Cassie’s head, stroking her hair slowly, and Cassie feltheld, reallyheldfor the first time since the last occasion her father had held her before… “My father got me out, but he couldn’t go back in. The fire was too strong, and the car exploded. He left home five months later. When the guilt got too much, and Mom’s unrelenting blame was too hard to handle.”
Cassie pulled in a huge lungful of air and sat back up. That’s when she saw Taryn’s empathy balanced precariously on the edge of her eyes. One blink, and her tears would overflow like the banks of a flooded river. Cassie had cried plenty of those for her brother, but she’d thought she had run dry.
“That’s why you became an ER doctor—to save people?” Taryn asked quietly, and tears tracked down her cheeks. She wiped them away. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to take away from your grief. Please, tell me why you became a doctor.”
Cassie nodded, though Taryn’s tears made her feel seen and heard. “Because I couldn’t save him. I’m trying to assuage my guilt through helping hundreds of other people, but it’s like the hole from a missing tooth. I keep tonguing it, and it never heals.”
“I…I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. What you’re carrying with you.”
This was where Cassie expected the pop psychology, the “you were too young to do anything,” and “you shouldn’t feel guilty,” and “you were powerless.” Instead, there was a refreshing silence, as if Taryn knew she’d heard all of it before, and there was nothing new to say.
“I have nothing to offer you, Cass. There aren’t the words. Just let me hold you.”
There.Thatwas what she needed. That was what her mother hadn’t done since the night of her brother’s death, when she’d tucked them both into bed. It was what her father hadn’t been able to do since he’d held her as he struggled through the flames and over the rubble… It was what she’d never let anyone do since, even though some had tried. The first person who really wanted to, the first person Cassie had allowed to, wasn’t going to be around to do it for long either.
Cassie softened into Taryn’s arms. So she may not be around for years to come, but she was here now, and Cassie could relax and accept what was currently being offered. For once, she had to live in the moment and forget the future, forget the past she was trying to make up for. She had to dwell in the possibilities of the now.
After many minutes of silence had passed, Cassie pulled away and settled into the full lotus position opposite Taryn. The outpouring of grief had left her both empty and fulfilled. Sharing the visceral details of her brother’s death had brought them even closer together, and she felt less alone than she had for a long, long time.
“Show-off.” Taryn prodded Cassie’s knee. “I could barely get one foot on my thigh at your class.”
“You’d be able to do this, no problem, if you came to BodyBalance regularly.” She smiled at the ease with which they’d slipped back into gentle banter after such a profoundly difficult discussion.
“You think?”
Cassie nodded. “Repetitive practice can yield big results in a relatively short period of time. And it would help with your strength too.” She dismissed the additional benefits of flexibility in the case of Taryn coming off her bike. More flexibility meant less chance of injury. Why was Cassie letting thoughts like that into her head?
Taryn tilted her head slightly and rocked on her butt cheeks. “I suppose I did think it was just about pretzeling yourself into strange animal positions, but my muscles ached like I’d done a real workout for the next few days.”
Cassie pushed Taryn’s shoulder. “Hey, theyarereal workouts.”
“You know what I mean. Like cardio or muscle-building.” She held up her hands when Cassie moved to shove her again. “But I’m happy to roll that back and admit it was a damned good workout.” She gestured toward Cassie. “And it’s obviously working for you. I might even consider doing it again.”
“You’re welcome to come with me when our schedules allow. I guess we’re going to be seeing a lot less of each other once your shows begin.” She tried to force the words out with her usual confidence, but she could tell by Taryn’s expression that she hadn’t managed it.
Taryn interlocked their fingers like she had just before Cassie brought her to herfirstorgasm a few hours ago. Mm, the recollection of the sounds she made and the way her body writhed beneath Cassie’s mouth and touch made her throb. But this touch clearly signified more than an acknowledgment of the best sex either of them had ever had.
“It’ll be harder but not impossible, right?” Taryn stared at their hands before looking up into Cassie’s eyes.
“I don’t know. I’ve been coasting a little these past couple of weeks.”Thatwas a bit of an understatement. She’d dropped from regularly working six twelve-hour shifts down to three ten-hour shifts. Both Rachel and Dinah had said Barr was starting to ask questions and that Fischer was on the verge of divorce. Her colleague’s personal life wasn’t her problem, but still, for the first time in her life, she’d put her career on the back burner and made herself a priority.
“You didn’t say anything…” Taryn uncoupled their hands and began to trace light patterns on Cassie’s palms.
“I was having too much fun with you.” She shrugged. “And I needed a break. I was heading to burnout, working seventy-two hours a week and not getting enough sleep because I’m always too wired after a long shift to relax quickly.”
“So I’ve been a necessary and timely distraction?”
Taryn grinned, but Cassie sensed the fragility in her words. Wasn’t that all they were supposed to be to each other anyway? Somewhere along the way, that had ceased to be the case. “Yes, but you’ve been much more than that.”
Taryn bit her lip and nodded slowly. “So we’ll see each other when our jobs allow it. We’ve both been on an impromptu vacation, and vacations always end.” She looked up and seemed hopeful.
Cassie grasped Taryn’s hands. “We’renot a vacation, and we don’t have to end. We just have to do what most people do and find time for each other around our work commitments. That’s all.”
Taryn blew out a long breath. “Find time? That little fucker likes to hide.”
