“Once we are finished with the dance, I will walk with you.”
The decision was made in an instant. He took her hand and, as the music continued, spun her lightly around. She said nothing, her lips pinched, her eyes no longer searching his face. The strain between them grew with ever-increasing strength until Jonathan wished with every fiber of his being that the music would come to an end.
With agonizing slowness, it eventually came to a close. Jonathan bowed low, Lady Susanna curtsied, and then, with a swiftness that he had not anticipated, clutched at his arm and came to stand directly beside him.
The scent of sweet honey blossom drifted towards him, and his stomach kicked.
“I will be brief.” Gritting his teeth and pushing away the sensations that ran through him at her nearness, he cleared his throat and looked straight ahead. “You will, no doubt, be entirely unaware of your father’s situation, so I must beg you to understand that I do not hold you responsible.”
Lady Susanna’s fingers tightened on his arm. “My father’s situation?”
“I received a warning from a gentleman I hold in greatrespect,” he said, as they came back towards the crowd of guests. “Your father has made some… poor financial decisions of late. I could not allow myself – nor risk my own reputation by continuing with our acquaintance. I am sorry for that, but there is the truth of it.”
She dropped her hand from his arm in an instant. Jonathan half expected her to walk away without a word, but instead, she turned on her heel and looked straight up at him, her brown eyes dark with shadows.
“You received a letter?” Her lip curled slightly. “And you believed all that was contained within it without question?”
Shifting on his feet and aware that there were some nearby who might overhear him, Jonathan did his best to keep his voice low. “Yes. I did make some small enquiries also.”
“And you did not think to speak to my father about your concerns? You did not think to speak to me?”
Jonathan opened his mouth and then closed it again. He had not thought to do such a thing, but he certainly was not about to state that aloud to her! The enquiries he had made and the word of Lord Blackwood had been more than enough for him to realize he had to separate himself from Lady Susanna. To have spoken to her father would have done more harm than good, he was sure.
“You stepped away from me without warning and broke my heart to pieces,” she told him, her voice not in the least bit quiet. “You promised me so much and then gave me nothing but darkness and confusion.” Her eyes closed as she trembled visibly. “I believed your words. I trusted your promise of affection and of a future together. What a fool I was.”
Jonathan opened his mouth to say something more, wanting to tell her that he had meant everyword, only for her to open her eyes. They were piercing; the pain melded there, striking at him hard.
“I do not believe you ever felt anything for me,” she said, her voice rasping now. “I have wasted too much time thinking about you. But no longer.” With a lift of her chin, she offered him a tight-lipped smile. “There was never anything true between us, it seems. Good evening, Lord Lancashire. I doubt we will need to be in company again.”
Strangely, Jonathan did not feel any sort of relief at this. Instead, he wanted to reach out to her, to catch her hand and to say… something. Something that might get her to stay, to understand, to believe that he had truly been in love with her.
But he did not.
Watching her walk away, he let out a long, slow breath and then shook his head. He should be glad that the conversation had come to an end, for he had said all that had been needed, and now, nothing more was required. He did not need to give any further explanations, did not have to get into a long discussion about what they had once shared and why it could no longer be. They could acknowledge each other, but there would be no further need for strain, tension, or awkwardness between them.
So why do I feel no better?
Scowling, Jonathan rifled one hand through his hair, only to realize what he was doing. Dropping his hand and hoping he had not made a complete mess of his appearance, he lifted his head and set his shoulders. The ballroom continued around him — couples laughing, fans fluttering, the orchestra striking up a new set — and he stood in the midst of it all, feeling as if he were watching from a great distance. The world was bright and busy and full of the Season’s pleasures, and none of it could reach him.
He would push aside his regret and his frustration; he would ignore the way his heart still yearned for her and, instead, would think only of the pleasantness he could garner from the Season. Perhaps his brother and Lord Kettering were correct to encourage him to smile and dance and laugh with the young ladies of London, for it would certainly be better than all he was feeling at present!
Any connection between myself and Lady Susanna is now well and truly over, he told himself, firmly.There is nothing for me to do now but to enjoy myself, and that is precisely what I intend to do.
All the same, as he thought such fine words to himself and made his way slowly through the crowd in search of some warm, familiar faces, Jonathan’s heart continued to sink low, pulling his spirits downwards. He had thought that this conversation would be a final stepping away from Lady Susanna, leaving nothing unsaid or undone between them.
Instead, he feared that he would never be able to forget her completely.
8
“Recall that I am the one that mother is setting her attention upon, Susanna.”
Barely glancing at her sister, Susanna kept her pace brisk along the gravel path. Hyde Park stretched before them in its late-morning beauty — the Serpentine glinting silver, nursemaids pushing perambulators beneath the elms, carriages rolling along Rotten Row. “You do not need to remind me of that, Maude.”
“I have three gentlemen callers already and a fourth expected.” Maude adjusted her parasol to its most flattering angle. “You will not be seen with me today, I hope? Lady Ellen and her aunt can manage you well enough.”
The casual cruelty ofmanage— as though Susanna were not a person but a burden to be distributed — stung sharply, but she had grown accustomed to these small cuts. “That is precisely my intention,” she said, and quickened her steps toward where Ellen stood waving.
“How good to see you!” Ellen took Susanna’s hand. “Are you quite ready to walk about the park? I must hear all of what you said to Lord Lancashire.”
