Not wanting to lose the easy mood he’d barely created, he spun her around and sat her on the counter.
Caging her thighs with his arms, he leaned in so they were eye to eye.
“I know, and I’m sorry. I wish I didn’t have to apologize.” The raising of her eyebrow said she’d misunderstood his words. “What I mean is I wish I hadn’t hurt you, didn’t have something to apologize for. The fact is, I do need to, and I will. I’m kinda stupid at this whole … thing.”
Looking down, she spoke softly. “I poured out my soul, and you just stared at the road. But I could understand that. What I can’t seem to just accept was how you looked at me, like I was your enemy.”
Her words were like a knife to his chest, one he’d put there himself. Cupping her cheeks, Monster did his best to explain.
“I heard your father ask if you’d gotten the information from me. I didn’t hear anything before that, and when you turned and looked in my eyes, I saw guilt, and part of me convicted you right then and there. It wasn’t right, I know that, but I can’t take that back. I wish I fucking could, but I can’t. However, the enemy I hated in that moment wasn’t you, Pixie, it was me. Ulf was howling at me to be fair, but I ignored him.”
He shook his head, trying to dislodge the words he needed but couldn’t seem to find.
“After … Kansas, my head was wrong. I don’t know how to explain it, but my thoughts barely made sense to me. I was warring with emotions, and Ulf wouldn’t shut up. It overwhelmed my higher reasoning capacity. I’m not used to having Ulf there. Not coherent anyway.”
“What?”
He barked a humorless laugh. “It doesn’t matter. It’s not an excuse.”
“I’m not asking for an excuse, just an understanding.”
Monster searched her gaze and found nothing but truth and concern. This was supposed to be about her. Him apologizing, but instead, she’d turned the table.
“Long story short. Ulf broke free when I was still a boy. Too young to shift. It was violent and … anyway, it caused him to be feral. I’ve worn silver ever since to keep him from breaking loose and hurting someone. I tried once to exist without it, and he didn’t give my body back for three days, and even then, I almost couldn’t come back.”
Monster dropped his gaze and hands. He’d never laid himself bare like this with a woman.
Carys reached out with her hand and placed it on his chest, over his heart. The organ in question skipped a beat. “Because of that, we only shared conciseness for a few minutes or so before and after a shift.”
Monster looked up into her caring eyes. “Until you.”
Her gasp of surprise was like a balm to his soul.
“He started breaking through with more than just broken words and disjointed thoughts. An odd assortment of thoughts and incomplete pictures. I thought maybe things were starting to be okay, he’d matured enough, so I dropped the silver.” Monster wondered if his eyes reflected the awe that he felt at bonding with his wolf. “Then, Ulf started talking to me a lot. Complete thoughts and complex feelings, not just bits and pieces. I was convinced it was because of you.”
The relief he felt at having admitted that out loud was short-lived, because he had to keep going. All in. Honesty.
“So, when I heard your father’s words, I jumped to conclusions and Ulf was pissed. I threw him back in his cage because I didn’t want to hear him stoking my guilt. When my emotions toward you felt wrong to him, he forced a change. Something he hadn’t done since that first time.”
Everything so far had been tough, but the last was going to be tougher.
“The first time was in defense of someone I loved.” Monster stroked her cheek, watching his own finger glide across her skin. Down her neck to her throat. As gently as he could, he held her there. It was something he did for comfort. Feeling her pulse spoke to something deep inside him. His hand on her neck was his equivalent of holding hands. “I’m scared that may have been what triggered him to do it again.”
His thumb absently stroked up her artery. The way her face ever so subtly tilted toward the action and the glassy look in her eyes told him she enjoyed it too.
Monster watched the play of emotions skitter across her blue eyes. Carys licked her lips and looked as if she had something to say, but held herself back.
“Defending you against me,” he murmured.
“Um, am I your mate?” Her voice was quiet and scared. Monster couldn’t tell if there was hope there or not because his heart was pounding so hard all he could hear was the blood rushing around his body.
“I didn’t think so until you kissed Ulf’s nose. It felt different somehow, but honestly, I don’t know. With us still blending together, I don’t have a handle on the instincts. I’ve kissed every inch of your body and I didn’t get that telltale shock Kansas described.”
The thought disappointed Monster. He realized how much he wanted her to be.
“Maybe it’s different for me, but it doesn’t matter, Pixie. I want?—”
Before Monster realized what she was up to, Carys leaned forward, pressing her lips to his.
