My pulse slams between my ears. I count the three tiny lines near his eyes, and admit, "I don't know how to want someone in a way that isn't war. But I want someone who sees all of me, not just the performance. And I want to figure out how to be wanted for all of me, not just the parts a man accepts as perfect."
His eyes lock into mine, as if seeing me fully for the first time. He offers, "You deserve to be wanted for all of you."
My stomach drops. For a second, I can't breathe. I whisper, "Do not say things like that. You don't know what that sentence does in my head."
He swallows. I catch the tiny tremor in his throat, the one he tries so hard to hide. He reprimands, "That sentence is not about me. It is about you. It is about basic human dignity."
My heart throws itself against my ribs.
He looks down, toward my legs, then back up quickly. "Please don't cut yourself anymore."
"Okay."
"Promise me?"
I nod. "All right. I promise. No cutting."
Relief fills his expression. Then he hesitates.
"What's wrong?" I ask.
He takes several calculated breaths.
"Red?" I ask.
"Dr. Mercer," he reminds me.
I clear my throat. "Sorry. Dr. Mercer."
An internal war occurs, then he states, "I'm going to give you my number. It's only to be used in an emergency. If you feel like cutting yourself, call me before you put the knife in your hand. Understand?"
He's giving me his cell phone?
"Yes."
"Blue, I'm not joking. It's only to be used in the case of an emergency."
"I understand," I affirm.
"Don't make me regret this," he warns.
"You won't," I assure him, giddy inside.
He goes to his desk, scribbles on the back of his business card, and holds it toward me.
I reach for it, but he moves it higher.
"When do you use this?"
"Emergency only," I answer.
He hesitates another moment, but finally lowers the card.
I snap it out of his hand and put it in my purse before he can change his mind. Then I tease, "It's not a fake number, is it?"
He laughs, and my flutters take off. He shakes his head. "No. It's mine."
"Phew. Wouldn't want to call the wrong person and tell them I'm about to cut myself," I joke.
