I take a deep breath.
“I’m… fine?”
“Is that a question?”
“No?”
“Nash,” he says softly. “What’s going on, babe?”
“Nothing really, I’m just…” A sigh escapes.
“You sound exhausted. Have you not been sleeping?”
The concern with which he asks is painful because I don’t want him to know how much I’m struggling, but he’s caught me at a vulnerable moment, caught up in my head about allmy failures.
“I sleep fine, I just don’t sleep for long. I always have washing to do, or tidying to do, or cleaning to do before Nancy gets up, and she gets up early, so I’ve been getting up earlier or going to bed later. I just don’t know how people do this on their own, Corey.”
He’s silent, allowing me space to vent.
“I love Nancy so much, and I just don’t want to let her down by having a home that’s untidy all the time. And don’t get me started on the cooking. I feel like we recycle the same three meals because I can’t get her to try anything new. I just—”
“Babe, stop,” Corey’s gentle voice cuts in, and I do. I stop this verbal spiral before it drives Corey away completely. “OK, so there’s a lot going on, hmm?”
I huff out a laugh. “You could say that.”
“OK, so first things first. You are not letting anyone down, least of all Nancy, if you are loving her the way she deserves and keeping her safe and happy. Are you doing that?”
I think of the way Nancy leapt into my arms before I left her at Mum and Dad’s tonight and whispered “Love you, Daddy” into my ear before she disappeared into the house to findher grandad.
“I think so, yeah,” I hedge.
“Of course you are. So she’s not going to care or, frankly, even notice if the house is a bit messy. I have a reality check for you, babe. Kids are messy. When I was on my teaching placements, I was so proud of my classroom every morning, but by the end of the day, it looked like a bomb had gone off.”
I can’t help but chuckle. The image of a younger Corey flustered with his hands on his hips, surveying the state of his classroom at the end of the day, makes my heart ache to be near him. I just want to hold him close and sleep with him in my arms. Whoever wrote the phrase ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ was a wise person, because in the six months since Corey moved away, I have fallen for him hook, line, and sinker.
Our letters have been a lifeline for me. A way to connect with him in a way we probably never would have in such a short time, even if we’d been dating. I reread them when I miss him too much, and that is to say, often. And that letter he sent when he was drunk… fuck me. That letter lives rent-free in my head, and I think I could probably recite it by rote at this point.
“A little mess doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong, Doc. It just means that…” he hesitates.
“That what, little rabbit?” I encourage.
“That, maybe you need a little help? Like maybe someone you employ? Then you won’t feel like you’re asking for favours from family, even though I know they’re more than happy to help. But I know what you’re like, and if you can get that help another way, then why not do it?”
I consider his words. I’m self-aware enough to recognise that I have the privilege to afford at-home childcare and home help. I think Mum mentioned something about this the other day when I was falling asleep at the kitchen counter, nursing a coffee while she cleaned.
“I can’t believe I haven’t properly considered this. Mum mentioned that when she was younger, people used to hire… what did she call it, mothers help? They’re like someone between an au pair and a nanny.”
“Oh yeah, that’s a great idea. A nanny will have a lot more childcare experience, but you kind of want more of a home help–cum–babysitter, don’t you?” I hum in agreement. “OK, so then an au pair or mother’s help would be a great solution, don’t you think?”
A kernel of hope blooms in my gut at the mere prospect of being able to pay someone to help me with all the domestic shit that’s been overwhelming me. This is one of those times where Corey’s knowledge of education is a lifeline.
“Do they have agencies like nannies do?”
“Umm, I’m not too sure, but I can ask Em. She used to au pair in Switzerland for a year before uni, so she’ll have a good idea where to start.”
Relief. Sweet relief.
“Thanks, little rabbit.”
