I’m still working towards the ‘right time’ for us, Doc. I hope that’s still what you want too. The more I talk about how I envision my future, the clearer the image gets. This may be a bit too much, but bear with me.
I see the three of us, you, me, and Nancy, walking along the beach every winter to visit the seals. I see Sunday breakfasts where I make poached eggs and teach Nancy silly collective nouns for animals likemy grandma used to with me. I see Sunday lunch at your parents', nights in the White Horse with our family and friends. I believe that’s the life we could have, Nash.
I’m truly feeling so much stronger in myself, and so much clearer about what I want and what I bring to a relationship. And maybe when I come over for your birthday, we could talk about starting to think of ourselves as more than friends?
Don’t answer now. Just know this is where I’m at, and I hope you are too. There’s still the issue of Dominic to be dealt with, and I’m not ready to leave my therapist yet… he’s been so amazing helping me. But I want to talk when I see you in person.
Take care of that little angel, and remember that even on the hardest days, she tests you because she trusts you, and she needs to know that you love her unconditionally.
You’re in my heart, Doc. Every day.
Your little rabbit.
xx
Ireread Corey’s words over and over again, not daring to believe them. We’re a long way from a happily ever after, but the light is starting to shine at the end of the tunnel. The last few months have been so intensely focused on Nancy that my letters, texts, and calls with Corey have been something of a lifeline. A single space where I can speak freely, share my concerns, my fears, and know that no matter what I say, he’ll listen with kindness and understanding. And so much wisdom.
It’s not that my family isn’t a safe space. It’s more that I don’t want them to see me struggling and worry, when in reality there’s nothing anyone can do, for me or for Nancy. This journey is one she has to navigate with my support and love, and the excellent care of Dr Rathe, and, of course, Abigail.
Watching Nancy shine in the moments where she trusts in her place with me, her place in this family, is truly a wonder. She’s responding well to her therapy and is down to one session per week rather than two. She’ll be in therapy for a while as she navigates this huge change in her life, but seeing the benefits in howshe tackles each and every day, and how she and I are growing closer, makes all the difficult days worth it.
She’s worth it. And being her daddy is the best thing I’ve ever done. The hardest thing I’ve ever done, but certainly the best.
Today is a good day. It’s my thirty-fifth birthday, Nancy is bundled up and playing outside with all her uncles and aunts, while Aidan gets the barbecue going. March in Norfolk is still quite chilly, although we’re fortunate that at least today is sunny, so while everyone is outside, we have a gazebo on the lawn with patio heaters to keep everyone toasty.
“Are they here yet?” I turn at the voice behind me and see Rain looking out the front window, eagerly awaiting the arrival of a taxi.
“Not yet. They’re on the way from the station, so shouldn’t be long.”
“I can’t wait to see them,” Rain says excitedly.
Corey is coming back today. He’s bringing Emma with him to show her around the village, and so she can meet Rain and Nancy because, of course, they’ve been ‘vid-yo’ chatting and have become fast friends. Corey told me how Emma used to be a teacher as well, in a weird twistof fate, and she has such a way with kids. She certainly captured Nancy in her spell when they first said hello, and ever since, every time I speak to Corey, she wants to speak to Emma.
The crunch of tyres on gravel makes my stomach swoop, and my heart race; my physical reaction to Corey being close by is palpable.
And then there he is.
He climbs out of the back seat of the taxi, his backpack in hand, and fuck. He’s beautiful. He looks so healthy and happy. And he’s wearing my hoodie. The possessiveness over that small fact should be embarrassing, but it isn’t. I love knowing that being surrounded by something that reminds him of me brings him comfort.
He’s gained a little weight, which just filled him out where he was too thin before, and he’s smiling. A huge, iridescent grin that covers his whole face.
Rain and I shove each other playfully, trying to be the first out the door. He wins – I let him – and then he’s got Corey wrapped up in a hug. The woman I assume is Emma heads straight for me even while laughing at the antics of the other two.
“Hi Nash, it’s nice to finally meet you.”
I move to shake her hand as I smile overher shoulder at Corey, who’s eyeing me from over Rain’s, but Emma’s having nothing so formal and instead wraps me in a hug that I return.
“I’ve heard a lot about you, too, and it’s nice to meet you properly in person. Welcome, come on in.” At my words, Rain releases Corey and bounces excitedly over to Emma. I can only imagine how many three-way group calls have happened between the three of them because the squeals of excitement to see each other in person and the enthusiastic hugs make it seem like they’ve been friends forever.
Rain leads Emma inside, their voices fading as they pass through the house to the garden at the back.
I look at him. He looks at me. And then we’re colliding, arms tightening, bodies held close, noses seeking skin and scent. Sweet vanilla.
I hold him even closer to me, and he tightens his hold around my neck. Neither of us are able to let go. We stay that way for minutes, hours, days? I’m not sure. When I finally pull back and look down at his beautiful face, he has tears in his eyes. He brings a hand up and wipes his thumb across my cheek, and I realise my own tears have spilled over as well.
He’s here. For two whole days, he’s here, and I want to keep him in my arms the whole time.
Twenty-five
