I wish I were that carefree. That I could spend my days playing and being happy. And I have been happy these last few months since I moved to Fenside Common. I was happy the short time I was in Coventry with Emma and John, too. And I know I’ll be happy again, but right now, the loneliness tastes bitter on mytongue.
I want nothing more than to be with Nash. But I’m not ready.
I’m not ready to drag him into the mess from my past, and I’m not ready to be in a relationship with a man like Nash – someone who has his life together, who is a parent, who is such an incredible, caring man. Because if I let him take care of me now, I’ll never learn how to take care of myself.
And that was the decision I came to in that hospital room. That I wanted to get help to become the very best version of myself I can be. Someone who can stand on his own two feet and who doesn’t see himself as someone who needs to be worthy of a man like Nash. I want to see myself for all that I am and know that a man like Nash deserves me.
I want to be able to put myself first for once. I’ve always accepted what life threw at me, made the best of bad situations, and got through it. I don’t want to get through life anymore. I want to live it.
I want a big, bold, beautiful life, and I want to know that I can stand on my own first. Then, and only then, will I know that I’m ready to share my life with someone who loves me forwho I really am.
I don’t think I know who I really am at the moment. I’ve been a bit of a chameleon, shape-shifting and blending in to make life go by easier. But after the last few days, I want to lean into the difficult shit, to face it head-on and win.
The first step to doing that was acknowledging and communicating my feelings to Nash. I wanted him to know how I feel about him, because I don’t think the feelings I have will change regardless of how I might change. And if he was being honest like he seemed to be, and he truly has feelings for me now, when I’m at my most broken, maybe he can love me when I put my pieces back together as well.
I continue sketching for as long as I can, but it doesn’t take long for my fingers to get too cold to be able to move them how I need to. Packing up my backpack, I make my way back to Aidan’s car that I borrowed after I dropped Pax back at the house, and I drive the fifteen or so minutes to Aidan and Rain’s home.
I park the Land Rover in its usual spot and pull my phone out of my pocket. I send a quick message, then pocket my phone before taking a second to look at the house in front of me. If it’s possible, I’m dreading this conversation more than I did the one with Nash last night.
As soon as Rain messaged me after I’d liked that photo he accidentally got tagged in on Instagram, we’ve been with each other every single day. Even when he’s working over in the Dream Boats office, and I’ve been drawing in the house, we’ve kept up a pretty steady stream of text all day. We’ve been making a damn good effort to make up for the time our friendship never had to grow the way it would have if it weren’t for Dan and Dominic.
Just the thought of Dominic’s name is enough to push me out of the car. I know what I need to do.
Rain is sitting on the couch, a warm blanket over his legs, and Pax is curled up on his feet, while Aidan is chopping vegetables in the kitchen. Judging by the size of the pot on the stove, I think he’s making soup. My stomach swoops at that idea. There is nothing more romantic than your partner making soup for you when you’re poorly or, in Rain’s case, recovering from injuries inflicted upon you by a psychotic man with an axe to grind.
He smiles up at me when I enter, and Aidan gives me a wave from the kitchen. He frowns slightly when he sees the look on my face and, thankfully, decides to stay in the kitchen. I feel sick, my stomach swirling like aflotilla of Aidan’s yachts is cresting the waves of my anxiety.
“Hey, babe. You OK?” Rain asks, using his arms to drag himself a little more upright.
Such a simple question, and yet it’s the thing that breaks me. Rain’s smile drops, and he tries to get up even as I crumple to my knees in front of him. My face is buried in his lap, sobs wracking my still too-thin body. Rain’s hand hesitantly goes to the back of my head as he shushes me, and I feel him move slightly from side to side as he waves Aidan off.
It takes a while before I can get some control over my emotions again. When I do, and I straighten, Rain’s concerned gaze is all I see.
“Corey, babe? What’s going on? Did something happen with Nash? Are you—”
“I can’t stay here anymore.”
The words are out before I’m aware of them, and Rain just cocks his head at me, sympathy and disappointment clouding his features.
“W-what d’you mean?” Rain sounds unnerved, and still his strength of character glows from him as he gently takes both my hands and urges me to sit beside him, pulling back the blanket and resting his legs on my thighs beforecovering us both with what I’m certain used to be Pax’s blanket.
Pax jumps down, huffing in concern, and sits in front of me, resting his chin on my knee. The way this dog reads just what people need in terms of support and comfort is truly remarkable. No wonder he’s been such a godsend to Aidan with his anxiety.
“I thought you and Nash might be…” Rain trails off, confusion lacing his words.
“I wanted to,” I say, avoiding Rain’s eyes. “I really wanted to. And I think he did too, but…” The words we both said to each other are ours, private. But one thing we agreed on sums this situation up in a nutshell that I think Rain will understand completely. I turn to him, tears of sadness and regret filling my eyes. “Right guy, wrong time.”
Rain takes a moment to consider all the myriad implications of those four damning words. I see the moment the reality of my situation hits him, and a frown of concern creases his brow even as his own tears of empathy and frustration start to fall.
“Right guy, wrong time,” he sniffles, then leans up and wraps me in his arms. We cry together for long moments until I feel the tell-talebuzz of a text message from my pocket. Rain releases his hold on me, and I pull my phone out. A reply to the message I sent just before I came inside.
Me: Hi John. Things haven’t quite gone to plan. Could I possibly come and stay with you for a while?
John: Of course, son. Just get here in one piece and we’ll put the world to rights when you’re ready. I’ll get the spare room made up for you. No more fucking tents!
I turn my phone to show Rain the message, and he smiles at me, although it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
“It’s just until the situation with Dominic is sorted. Then I’ll come back,” I say, “if you’ll have me.”
