“When I know I can’t ask you to wait for me.”
I don’t need the specific words to know what he’s saying. He’s about to become a father, and, quite rightly, Nancy is his priority. She needs 100% of his focus. She deserves nothing less. And he can’t be distracted by trying to navigate romantic feelings at the same time. I’m still processing the suggestion that he could possibly even want something romantic with me, but there’s no lie in his eyes, no deception in his touch. No dismissal in his earnestness as he tries to explain.
“You don’t need to explain anything to me, Nash. I get it,” I say, voice thick.
“Do you?”
“Of course. Nancy deserves all of you. And I wouldn’t ever want you to compromise that. Not for anything, least of all for me. Don’t get me wrong, I like you. A lot. More than I probably should, given the shitshow that is my life, but I get it. We’re just… the timing is all wrong.” My voice catches on the last words, and I have to blink several times to try to prevent more tears from falling, an effort that is ultimately pointless.
Our eyes are locked on one another, neither of us willing to look away. I think we both know that as soon as we do, this little bubble will burst, and we’ll be firmly back in the friendzone, whether we like it or not.
Eventually, I can’t stand to be this close to him anymore without my lips on his, and so I break eye contact and start to gather myself.
“I think I should go,” I say, and he shakes his head at me as I stand.
“No, Corey, don’t go. Please. I want us to be… fuck… friends?” He grasps my hand and pulls me back to face him again.
I smile weakly. “I want that too, Nash, I do,” I say, voice gentle around the hiccups and sniffles. “I just need a little space to, I dunno,process? Sulk?” He laughs sardonically. “I didn’t think someone like you could ever want a fuckup like me—”
“You’re not a fuckup, Corey,” he says, voice harder than I’ve ever heard it.
“I am, though. I’ve lived a messy life, and now I’m trying to start afresh, again, even knowing my psycho ex-boyfriend might show up and set something else on fire at any point, and now knowing that maybe you do want me, or at least you could, and that I just turned up in your life at the wrong time… I dunno. It sucks.” He snorts a wet laugh, so many emotions passing over his face, each one of them a mirror of the ones battering my soul.
He follows me as I make my way to the door.
“I think ‘it sucks’ is the understatement of the century,” he says as I pull on my coat – a thick grey wool coat that was my Christmas gift from Rain and Aidan. “And whatever happens with your ex or anyone else, just remember you have people here who care about you. Rain, Aidan. Fuck, my whole family adores you. And friends or not, more or not, I’ll protect you. You’re safe here. And that fresh start is yours for the taking.”
I nod with a wobbly smile, then turn to pull open the door. I turn back to him and tilt my head, the weight of disappointment pressing in on my shoulders.
“Right man, wrong time,” I say resignedly.
“Right man, wrong time,” he agrees. I lean up, bracing my hands on his chest, and press a brief kiss to his cheek.
“Goodnight, Nash. I’ll see you soon. And don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”
“I’m not sure I will,” he says, regret flooding his features as I step back.
“Of course you will. You’ve got a daughter to get ready for. She’s coming home, and she needs her daddy.” The jovial tone of my voice is entirely forced, and I’m certain he knows it, but he doesn’t call me out. We both know if things were different…
Well, there’s little point in worrying over ‘what ifs’ when the reality is that Nash needs to focus on Nancy and on being the incredible father I know he will be.
I smile at him again, then walk out the door, and away from the most wonderful man I’ve ever known.
***
Rain, Aidan, and I decide to go to Poppy’s for breakfast the next day, but it turns out Aidan doesn’t even get the chance to eat as he rushes out to look for Wren after Poppy mentions not having heard from her since Christmas.
“Do you think we should try to arrange a night with the four of us?” Rain asks, meaning himself, me, Poppy, and Wren, as we eat our pancakes, concern for Wren clear in his tone.
“With face masks, wine, and Grease 2?” I ask, determined to win them over to my side of the fence, that Grease 2 is an infinitely better film than Grease. I mean, come on. Michelle Pfeiffer and Max Caulfield singing about a cool rider? The song plays in my head even as we speak, and I hum along.
He just laughs at me.
“What?”
After we eat, Rain and I make our way back to the house. He heads upstairs for a quick shower, while I dry Pax’s damp paws off with a towel.
And that’s when the world goes to shit.
