“Yes, she’s been great. Thanks.” I don’t really know what to say, since I don’t actually know what my job is, even though I’ve been here for three hours.
“Good. OK, so, the job.”
I sit up straight, ready to hear all about the job I got today without an application, interview, or even spending more than two minutes with my new boss.
“I need someone to help out. That’s it, basically.” Oh. So, maybe not all about it. John took the phrase ‘man of few words’ and made it his personality.
“Help out with what, exactly?” I ask timidly, not wanting to annoy him enough that hechanges his mind.
“Anything. Everything.” Clear as mud. Good. Great, in fact. Shit, I hope Emma has a bit of a clue as to the specifics of what he wants me to do. John must see my confusion on his face as he suppresses an eye roll, at himself, I think, and continues. “Sorry, I’m not really a people person. I need someone to keep the place running. Cleaning the space, the equipment, keeping an eye on clients, and just making sure they have what they need – water, a towel, or whatever – and helping Emma out with reception and paperwork. As I said, anything and everything. If I had to give you a job title, it would basically be ‘general dogsbody’.”
“General Dogsbody, reporting for duty, sir.” I give him a mock salute to punctuate my words delivered in a terrible approximation of a posh, wartime accent. I cringe at myself. He must think I’m an absolute moron. “Sorry—” I start to say, but he waves me off.
“You’re fine. I want my staff to be…themselves.” His lips twitch as he suppresses a laugh. I’ll take him laughing at me as long as I still have this job. “I can pay you the living wage, I’m sorry it’s not more—”
“That’s fine!” I interrupt. I will take a living wage and be grateful for it.
“How many hours a week can you do?”
“As many as you need. I have literally nothing else going on.” I want to take the words back as soon as they spill out of my mouth, but at this point, I’m pretty sure John knows what my situation is, but he has no intention of talking about it, and neither do I.
“OK. Well, seven hours a day should cover the work I need doing, but feel free to work those hours whenever you like across the opening hours.” Now I know he has guessed my situation and is giving me an excuse to be here outside of the hours he can afford to pay me for. My pride wants to rebel at the idea that I’m being treated differently than any other Tom, Dick, or Harry that might have turned up for this job. But, in reality, I know I can’t afford pride at this point in my life. And a positive thing about being in complete control of my working hours is I can make sure to be here all day and use the showers every day as well. I’m under no illusions that working in a gym is going to suddenly ignite some deep-seated desire in me to work out, but at least I’ll be in a warm, dry environment with kind people.
“That’s great. I-I can do that. Definitely. I’ll do anything, so…yeah. Thanks. I really appreciate you giving me a chance.”
John nods with a huff. “Good. Can you start tomorrow?”
“Yes. Definitely.”
Later that night, as I’m settling down to try and sleep in my tent, wrapping all the layers around me I can in an effort to stay warm in the cold winter weather, I can’t help but smile at my good fortune today.
“See, poppet, every day is a new day. You’re going to be just fine.”
Gran’s voice in my head feels like a warm hug, comforting me as I lie down and close my eyes. She was the person who taught me how to see the world in a positive light, and losing her the way I did hurt like hell. But she’s still with me, in my heart. All her pearls of wisdom, and my memories of our time together, keep her alive. Keep her with me.
She had this incredible ability to spot exactly when my thoughts were beginning to spiral, when I felt out of control of a situation, and anxiety started to flare. Her calm voice was always there to ground me and help me gather myself.
As sleep takes me, I dream of her, and ofthe life I want that she never got to see me have. One where I followed in her footsteps and became a teacher, inspiring kids to learn with curiosity and creativity. One with a family of my own, a husband by my side who loves me for all that I am, who takes care of me and protects me, and who pushes me to be better. One where I achieve all the dreams I had for myself before Dominic happened.
At least, in my dreams, I can be happy.
Two
Nash
“Everything’s looking really good so far, Nash,” Abigail, my social worker, tells me from her spot on my sofa. I release a sharp breath of relief at her words and take a much-needed sip of my tea. “Your parents’ and sister’s reviews came back fine as expected, and your full assessment has now been approved. You’ve been pushed through for matching.”
I’m silent for a second as I look at her wide smile, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“But?” I hedge, keen for her to just get it over with. Instead, she chuckles around her mug as she relaxes back into the seat.
“But nothing, Nash. I promise you. No catch. You’ve been approved for adoption.”
Fuck. I can scarcely believe this day has finally come.
Despite being married to my now ex-wife, Shelley, for over fifteen years, the prospect of children was always a difficult part of our relationship. It’s what killed it in the end. She wanted bigger things than this small village doctor could offer her, and as we both got older, battling through the emotional hellscape that is trying for a baby without success, our views on parenthood went in polar opposite directions.
I wanted to become a dad more than ever, whereas Shelley wanted no part of being a mother. Our experiences were too much for her to bear, and she couldn’t put herself through it again. The fear was untenable, and she made peace with her body and her life as a woman with no children.
