Being unwanted is nothing new to me. My parents didn’t want me, none of the men I ‘serviced’ wanted me for anything more than a cheap release, and Dominic never wanted me for who I am, only for what I could do for him. Namely, a cash cow, and recipient for his amateur brand of sadism.
I’m sulking.
That’s the salient point here. I want a man who doesn’t want me, and I feel some kind of way about that.
A passing dog walker nods a good morning at me, and I decide sitting here bundled up with no purpose makes me look a little deranged in this weather, so I pull out my sketchbookfrom my bag.
I haven’t been able to paint at all since I arrived here, not wanting to accidentally make a mess of the floors in Aidan’s spare room. I have, however, been sketching. A lot. As I flip through the pages of my sketchbook, I can see my last few weeks captured in charcoal and graphite renderings.
Rain’s smile as he cooks, Aidan’s hands as he works with wood, Cole’s mischievous grin, and Archer’s placid stoicism. The beach below me, the dunes behind me, and the seals that keep me company most mornings as I sit here and welcome each new day.
My hand sweeps across a fresh page, my pencil loose in my grip, as I draw without conscious thought. I’m too lost in my head. Too lost in Nash’s complete denial that he’s been avoiding me for weeks when I walked into the pub last night, and he asked me what drink I wanted as though nothing had happened. Too lost in my attraction to him as I watched him interact with his friends and family from my safe distance behind the bar. Too lost in his visceral reaction to me trying to help put out that fire. His anger, frustration, and, on reflection, his concern for my well-being all rush over me again as the memories play on a loop in my mind.
And that moment, when his breath was mine, and mine was his, and our foreheads touched the way I wanted our lips to. It would have been so easy to lean forward, and so I had, but his hasty retreat had been clear. My mistake was imagining things that weren’t there. His concern for me was platonic. Professional, even – his medical training and caretaker personality unable to witness someone putting themselves at risk over an inanimate object.
I close my eyes and breathe deeply, willing my brain to forget the woodsy cedar scent that filled my nostrils last night when he held me so close. I let the acrid smell of woodsmoke and accelerant replace it.
Accelerant.
That’s what the fire investigator had given as a preliminary finding: that accelerant had been used to start the fire. And therein lies the second reason for my inability to sleep last night and subsequent pre-dawn visit to the beach in an effort to blow the cobwebs away.
There is no getting away from the fact that the likelihood is Dominic and his brother are behind the fire. Which means they know where we are. I don’t know how, and I don’t know when they found out, but they have.There is simply no other explanation. At least not one so likely.
The heat of anxiety and the swell of nausea inhabiting my body now feel permanent. I put a brave face on last night, as did Rain, but we both know the reality. They’re watching us. Biding their time. Until what? They try to hurt us? Hurt Aidan? Hurt any of these wonderful people who have so easily and openly enfolded Rain and me into their lives.
A seed of an idea has rooted in my brain, and in the last few hours, it has grown shoots and leaves. I don’t want to believe it might come to fruition, but if it means I could protect my friends, I’d do it in a heartbeat. If it came down to it, I’d leave this tentative new life of mine behind to keep Rain, Aidan, Nash, and everyone else safe.
I could disappear. I’ve done it before. Boom. Pivot. Overnight, remember?
I swallow down the sob that tries to escape. I haven’t been in Fenside Common long, but this is the kind of place I could imagine building a life. A real life. One with a family, friends, and freedom to be exactly who I am with no preconceived notions of who I should be, or what I can do for someone else. Just me, freely, openly, and authentically me.
But that’s not real life, is it? No, I have to start thinking about my next move. I’ll get through Christmas and try to enjoy it the best I can. It’ll be the first family Christmas I’ve attended – albeit not my family – in years, and I’m looking forward to it so much.
Even if it does mean finding a way to be sensible around Nash. I have to figure it out, because if I don’t, I risk embarrassing myself all over again.
Spits of rain start to land on the sandy ground around me, the pit-pat as they land on the page of my sketchbook, drawing my consciousness back to the sketch I’ve been working on.
There, in a faint grey outline, staring up at me with his intense stare and his stable presence, clear even with just a few lines on a page, is Nash.
Well… fuck.
Christmas Eve afternoon is filled with mince pies, board games, and Bailey’s Irish Cream coffees. While Rain cooks dinner, I’m ushered out of ‘his kitchen’ along with Aidan. Aidan can’t disguise his happiness at the domesticity and shucks me on the shoulder beforeheading out to the workshop to start on some repairs for Ladybird.
“Shall I bring you a cup of tea?” I ask him as he pulls on a threadbare Carhartt shirt.
“That’d be great, thanks, Cor,” he replies, the jovial grin on his face evidence of his own three Bailey’s coffees.
“Is he going to be OK using power tools? Like, is there a blood alcohol limit like for driving?” I ask Rain as I flip the kettle on and grab three mugs from the cupboard.
Rain laughs a high, tinkling laugh that makes me smile.
“He’ll be fine. He’s been warned, non-power tools only today. He’s got some decorative carving thing he wants to try, I think.”
I nod, satisfied I’m not going to deliver tea to a man with only one hand, and finish making our drinks.
I take my mug with me when I deliver Aidan’s and take a seat on one of the camping chairs they have set up in there around the log burner Aidan has lit to take the chill out of the air.
“Thanks, mate,” he says, accepting his tea. He takes a loud slurp that makes my skin creep,and he notices. “What?”
