Don’t cry. Do not fucking cry.
I looked at Natalie. “He shouldn’t be in here.”
“I didn’t know what else to do.” She looked helpless and closer to tears than I was. “Riley has taken Ryan out for McDonalds so we can talk.”
I turned back to my father. “You shouldn’t be here. This is our house, my mum’s and gran’s. You don’t get to be here.”
My gran would turn over in her grave if she saw the man that abandoned her daughter and granddaughter sitting large at her dining table. My mum…I didn’t know what she’d think. It felt like a betrayal to their memories to have him here.
“That’s fair,” he said but made no move to leave.
“What do you want?”
“To make amends if I can. I’m very sorry for all I’ve put the both of you through. I’m a shit father, I know that.”
There was an awkward silence as neither Natalie nor I tried to disagree with him. I felt sick, my arms folded and hands clenched into fists. I wanted to scream at him.Where the hell have you been? Didn’t you know how much we needed you?But I kept it all locked inside.
“I’m not expecting anything, I’ll leave the ball in your court. I’m just glad to see you’ve both grown up so well. My eldest is engaged now and I hear you have a man too? I’m happy for you both.” He beamed. I wanted to slap the smile off his face.
I said nothing. Natalie looked away, her arms wrapped around her middle as she looked anywhere but us.
John’s smile faltered a little. “Well, I’ve met Riley and he seems like a decent man. Irish too, so he has that going for him.” He attempted a laugh that neither of us returned. “What about yours? Does he treat you well?”
“Well, he wouldn’t abandon me or our children so…better than you treated our mothers.”
“Lo…” Natalie whispered.
“No, I deserve that.” He nodded with a kind of humility that filled me with rage. “I knew you’d give me a harder time. You always were a bit of a firework.”
“Like you said, you deserve it.”
“I do. I didn’t come here to cause trouble between you both. Honestly, I didn’t even know until recently that you knew each other. I'm happy you do, seeing the two of you together…” His eyes shone with tears that I refused to let soften me. “I heard about your mothers death through the grapevine. I’m so sorry for that.”
“Not sorry enough to come back. Not even when my gran was gone and I had nobody. She wouldn’t want you here. In her house. At her table.”
He gave a wry laugh. “No doubt. She hated me.”
“With good reason.”
“Aye. I’m not here for anything, Lola. I just wanted to know you. Both of you. I tried to be a good parent but I…well, I had things to deal with. Personal things.”
My face felt hot, my dress too tight. My chest hurt with the conflict I felt. I was angry that he could do this and just walk back in like nothing had changed. I was angry that despite everything, there was still a four year old girl inside me that desperately wanted her father back.
“And now you’re all better you want back in?”
“Lola…” Natalie pleaded with me again.
“No, that’s a fair question. I’m not all better. The hard truth is that I’ve always been a drinker and it’s taken me a long time to get sober. I’m not telling you that to guilt either of you, I just don't want any secrets. I don't want to go leaving anything unsaid. I love you both and I’m sorry I couldn’t do better by you.”
He stood then and as he walked by me, the familiar scent of cigarettes filled my nose. The front door closed behind him and Natalie burst into tears. I wrapped my arms around her and she held onto me tight, crying deep gut-wrenching sobs. My tears didn’t come. They wouldn’t. They seemed too scared to come.
Maia didn’t ask any questions when I got into the car. Only drove us back to Harrington in silence. In my room, I paced. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to go out to the gardens but it was dark and Alfie would have a fit.
Alfie.
I eyed my phone on the table, desperate to speak to him. He had a big event tonight. A merger or some other thing in Paris that I didn’t understand at all. And I was a big girl, I could handle this on my own. Yet I couldn’t sit still. My father was back. More than twenty years and he was back. I could have a parent again.
No, I couldn’t.
