Elliot frowned. “You sound like you're saying goodbye. What are you planning, lad?”
“You mean aside from leaving my fathers company and shutting down my club?” I chuckled. “I’m thinking about selling my house.”
“Again?”
“Yeah,” I chuckled again. “Lola likes it here at Harrington.Ilike it here.” She would never ask to live here, she’d never be so presumptuous, but I could offer it. It should be our home. I’d known it for a while but only decided on it when she’d asked me to bring her here when we left the hospital.
“So…not a hotel anymore?”
“I don’t know.” I truly didn’t know. For the first time, I didn’t really have a plan. “I’m building a new life, Elliot. I’m not sure what that’s going to look like yet but I want it to be everything that she wants.”
He rested a hand on my shoulder. Then, for the first time in our lives, he pulled me in for a hug, his arms wrapping around me tight. “I’m proud of you, son.”
I was proud of myself too. Without the company or the club I didn’t really know who I was but I knew I was hers and that was enough for me.
Thirty-Nine
Icould get used to boat life.
For a week, Alfie glued himself to my side. We were quiet. As if we were both trying to regain our equilibrium. My family, his family, the accident, the baby that never was. Eventually, the bleeding stopped but my strange sense of loss didn’t.
I sat on deck, curled up in a chair, a wool knit cardigan shielding me from the breeze whistling over the Atlantic ocean. Sometimes the cliffs and beaches of the Scottish coast came into view, mostly we stayed far enough away from land that it felt like we were on another planet. We hadn’t gone far from home and I was fine with that. Alfie wanted me close enough to a hospital in case something happened but I was out of the woods now. My ribs and face still ached something fierce, but each day it got easier to walk, to eat.
For the first time in days, Alfie had finally left me alone. He had delayed almost everything but work couldn’t wait any longer. Somewhere on the Isabella, he was talking with his board about finally leaving his father’s company. I didn’t know how to feel about it. I didn’t know him without the company. What would he do with his time? Who could he become?
My abdomen tightened. The bleeding had stopped mostly but every once in a while, I felt a cramp, an ache, something to remind me of what Alfie and I hadn’t dared talk about yet.
“Lola, do you need anything?” Ada’s gentle voice interrupted my thoughts. I smiled to myself. Alfie might have agreed to leave my side but that didn’t mean he was going to let me be alone.
“I’m fine, Ada. How’re you enjoying boat life?”
“Oh, I’ve been cursed with sea sickness,” she said with a wave of her hand as she took a seat beside me. “It always takes me a few days to adjust.”
“You shouldn’t have come if it was going to make you unwell.”
“I wanted to be here for you.” She sat quietly for a moment, her greying hair loose for once, it fluttered around her face as it caught in the breeze. “How are you processing all of it? The loss?” I flinched, it was the first time anyone had mentioned it to me. “Tell me to mind my business if you like.”
“I don’t have anything good to say.”
“Good?”
“Good. Helpful. Productive. Or anything that makes sense.” I bit my lip, absently stirring my honey and chamomile tea. “I haven’t cried. Not since I first found out and I was in shock. That's bad, right?”
“No, sweetheart. That’s not bad, it’s self preservation.” She poured a cup of tea for herself from the tea tray, adding honey to her own chamomile. “You know, Elliot and I tried for a long time to have a child. Eight miscarriages. I have aninhospitable uterusapparently. Fucking doctors. You can always count on them to use the most heartless language.”
‘These things happen.’
‘It.’
‘Pass everything.’
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m not telling you this to guilt you. I’m saying whatever emotion you feel is valid and you aren’t answerable to anybody. It’s not your job to make anyone else comfortable right now.”
I looked out across the great expanse of the ocean. Was I ready to say what had truly been on my mind all this time? “I’m relieved the decision was made for me.”
Ada nodded but didn’t speak. It felt wrong to say this to a woman that had desperately wanted children but she had opened this door, I had to trust she was okay with hearing what I had to say.
