Thirty-Eight
Alfie
Istood on the rooftop, the same rooftop I’d tried to punish Lola for standing on a few weeks ago. I closed my eyes, pulling in deep lungfuls of summer air. I couldn't decide what I felt more of – freedom or loss.
She was gone.
My mother, the last ghost of my past, was finally banished.
It was over and yet, I still had a few more boxes to tick. I had planned to leave her in comfort but after learning everything she’d done to Grace, or rather not done, I’d decided her punishment wasn’t enough.
After Grace had left, I’d made every phone call necessary to start the process of having Carolyn’s properties taken away. It wouldn’t be hard, my father had always found a way to kick vulnerable tenants out of a building so he could buy it cheap and turn it into a hotel.
She wanted me to be like my father, I could be, one last time. We’d all suffered his wrath, no reason she couldn’t too.
Yes, I’d planned to leave her in comfort but not anymore. Let her count her pennies for the rest of her fucking life. Let her beg her so-called friends for charity. I knew she had enough connections, enough personal items worth a lot of money that she could sell and get by on. She wouldn’t be destitute but she would be frightened and I wanted her frightened. I wanted her to suffer the indignity of having to sell her lavish things. I wanted her on her toes, wondering what I might do next when in truth, I planned to do nothing else. She was done.
For me, I stood on the dawning of a new era. I had a sister. She was smart like me, tenacious like me and like me that tenacity had been tamed by a no bullshit person with a heart of gold.
Lola.
After today, I wanted nothing more than to bury myself in the woman I loved but I could barely look at her without feeling like I was going to break. Her face, her body…I should have done more to protect her. Her and our baby.Our baby.How hadn’t I known? I noticed everything about her – how hadn’t I seen it? Had I really been so distracted? I tried not to blame myself. How could I have known when she hadn’t?
It didn’t matter now. I watched the little life we hadn’t gotten to celebrate yet tear away from her and a part of her had gone with it. I could see it in her eyes, the loss of something she hadn’t even known about.
Was she heartbroken? I couldn’t tell and that terrified me.
WasIheartbroken? Yes. When the dust settled, when the Berne family and my mother were dealt with and I knew Maia was going to be okay, in the settled dust I had to examine the dream I’d lost. I would have been delirious with joy to know we were going to have a child but that would have come at a price, the price that said Lola wasn’t ready.
I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t know what to say? In this she felt so far away from me, experiencing something I couldn’t go through with her. I felt disgustingly helpless. I wasn’t supposed to stand by and watch her suffer, I was supposed to fix and protect and I couldn’t. I could only wipe away the blood and the tears and tell her that I loved her. Maybe that would be enough, maybe?—
My phone rang, jolting me out of my guilt-ridden thoughts. I almost ignored it but I was expecting a call from Damien and sure enough, it was him.
“Should I ask how you are?” he said when I accepted his call.
“Probably not,” I said, deciding that there was too much for me to dive into. He knew everything and would say nothing, that’s why he was my best friend.
“Okay, then I’ll just ask if you’re serious about doing this?” There was an edge in his voice. I’d known it was coming. This decision I’d made ever since confirming that Julia Whitmore was behind the photos had shocked all of my Tellers.
“I’m absolutely serious. I’m done, I’m cutting all ties to that place.”
“It’s theclub, Alfie. You’re really just going to give it up?”
My chest tightened. I didn’t feel any joy about my decision to shut down the club I’d built at eighteen, but I didn't feel any loss either. Whatever I’d built it for, whatever it had given me back then, I didn’t need it anymore.
“That place is like a second home to me. You know that.”
“I do know that, but maybe it shouldn’t be anymore. Maybe it’s time we all moved on. We’ve all got ghosts in that place. Me, you, Eli, Kal, even Cas. Maybe it’s time to let it go.”
“Maybe for you,” Damien said. “For me, my ghosts are happy ones. Besides,mygirl actually likes the club.”
“Is she your girl now then?” I wondered what Lola would make of that. I couldn’t tell what she really thought of myfriends. Except Kal. I knew she liked Kal and I tried not to think about that.
“I don’t know. I don’t think Keira will ever be anyone's girl.” He paused and I knew my best friend well enough to know what question was coming next. “How’s your girl?”
“Asleep.” I’d checked on her before coming up here. I was glad she was sleeping, I didn’t know what I was going to say to her when she woke up.
“She’s tough, Alfie. She’ll be okay.” He was right. Lola was the strongest person I’d ever met. She didn’t always handle a challenge with grace and dignity, but she always figured it out.
