“Yes, but a chance involves being courted. Can you imagine how uncomfortable that will be with my family? Look at how they treat poor Mr Bingley. How do you imagine my mother and sisters will act with Mr Ten Thousand a Year? How uncomfortable will you be when Kitty and Lydia laugh and ridicule us while my father looks on in amusement? I can assure you that Mary’s poor exit from the pianoforte was in no way unusual and they are capable of far worse. I cannot picture it, but I can assure you it will be mortifying, and if we do not make a match, I will never hear the end of it. My mother will browbeat me every day for the rest of my miserable life, and my father will egg her on just to enjoy his sport.”
I wanted to give both Mr Bennet and Mr Collins a piece of my mind, and at least one of them would hear me out within the hour, but her father was a problem for another day. For the moment, I just needed to rescue my suit.
“All that I accept. If you find it too tiresome, we could court in London. I suppose I should also mention that many of my own relatives will not be at all sanguine, and I doubt Mrs Bennet can best my aunt, Lady Catherine, in a bad manners contest; nor will my uncle, the Earl of Matlock, best your father in indolence or sarcasm.”
She smiled, which gave me heart.
“Is there a chance you can one day love me with all your heart? Any chance at all?” I asked nervously.
She remained silent for quite some time, and finally swallowed and nodded.
“That is all I ask—a chance to earn your love.”
“You cannot assert you love me?” she asked in some alarm.
“I cannot say—not yet. I am vastly attracted to you, I respect you, and I hold a great deal of infatuation for you. I believe Icanlove you with a fierceness that will frighten both of us, but love requires two. Any love with only one participant is simply infatuation run amok. I do not imagine either of us would suffer unrequited love over a bad match. I believe that both of our natures will lean towards mutual love or indifference, though I obviously prefer the former.”
She blushed furiously.
“I think indifference toward you is not likely,” she said shyly. “You are the first man I ever met where I can imagine loving you if I allow myself to do so.”
I released a relieved breath. In the corner of my eye, Miss Bennet did the same.
“Let us see—we have time. We have been here too long. For the nonce, all I ask is a chance for the next conversation.”
“You are welcome to that,” she said, offering a heartbreakingly endearing smile.
We both understood we were embarking on something special and frightening. Time and affection would tell whether we crashed on the rocks or continued around the next bend in the river.
15.Consternation- Elizabeth
I truly thought I would never be more shocked in my life than by Mr Darcy’s declaration of his affections—aside from the rather inconvenient truth that I did not hate the idea.
His affection had a certain appeal, though tinged with a goodly measure of fear. There were no decisions more important than the choice of a life partner, and I was not inclined to decide hastily.
That aside, Icouldpicture a life with Mr Darcy in an abstract way. When I imagined more conversations and feelings like the first hour in the library during Jane’s illness but without the disguise, it seemed idyllic. In truth, just about any activity where I was allowed to listen to his voice while appreciating his handsome countenance had something to recommend it.
On the other hand, when I pictured the first words Jane or I had from the man, or the latter half of that library conversation, or swimming in a ballroom full of Caroline Bingleys in London—those were far less appealing. His initial attitude when entering our neighbourhood was typical or even mild for members of theton. There seemed little doubt the claws would emerge if I appeared on his arm in London, and the idea filled me with dread.
Contemplating wedding someone outside my sphere complicated matters. He was a gentleman and I a gentleman’s daughter, so we were supposedly equal in the social sphere, but nobody believed it. In practice, we were chalk and cheese, and I would enter his world to live by that world’s rules. My ability to be a good mistress to Pemberley was certain, and I was far more comfortable in social situations than he; but I would still encounter significant difficulties. For example, his aunt, Lady Catherine, resembled a titled version of my mother. I could well imagine her being just as spiteful about a matrimonial targetescaping her grasp, and her vindictiveness would likely have sharper teeth.
It was much to consider! I was applying my mind to the problem when I was startled by yet another voice I would far rather have avoided.
“Is that yourtrueopinion of our family, Elizabeth?”
Jane and I groaned and turned to the door to find our father looking as angry as he had ever been.
My mind filled with rage, and I spat my answer. “It is notopinion, sir. It is established fact, whether you like it or not!”
He was genuinely angry, for once, and answered with no hint of the mocking derision he usually assumed.
“And yet, whilst you deemthe restof your family somehow unsuitable—aside from your long-time favourite elder sister, of course—it is the two of you I find ensconced in a private tête-à-tête with a very eligible gentleman!The disparity between your attitude and actions demonstrates a level of hypocrisy that is impressive, even for a daughter of Francine Bennet!”
Certainly, blame it all on Mama, as usual. I disregarded his baiting.
“You are at least partially correct, for perhaps the first time in your life,” I seethed.
“Lizzy,” Jane hissed in alarm, but my mood was far from ready for capitulation, and I possessed no desire to indulge my father’s whims.
