She probably meant it at the time, but since I had been in a position of well-earned distrust in her eyes for months, it would take more than a fifteen-minute conversation to reverse her opinion. She was asking all she wanted at the time, and likely the most she thought she could expect based on my behaviour—but nothing said I had to be satisfied with giving her only what she asked for in the moment.
Her face showed her uncomfortable with my present position, which was entirely understandable since it was not exactly appropriate for either of us, so I moved back to the chair to look between the two.
Miss Elizabeth had very generously forgiven my earlier churlishness with nothing more than a rather minimal apology, but I suspected she doubted my words about her relativehandsomeness in my eyes after they had been properly opened. Compliments were easy for certain men, and I suspected she learnt the hard way to disregard most of them, especially with the number of insincere words her sister likely endured in her life. The lady would remain sceptical about my assertion until she trusted me more, but that was perfectly understandable. We had time to work out that particular argument. I also assumed, based on my observations between her and Mrs Bennet that she was quite free with forgiveness, more as a good survival strategy than any excessively good nature. She had given forgiveness I had not earned, but the debt remained.
I glanced at the clock and spoke as softly as I could, trying not to fall into the haughty voice they had no use for.
“Ladies, I believe I owe both of you more apologies, and certainly some explanations.”
“Explanations or excuses?” Miss Elizabeth snapped, proving her good nature had its limits.
“That is for you to decide. I shall strive for the former and depend on you to tell me if I stray to the latter,” I replied calmly.
“Why? As far as we are concerned, our business is concluded. With your agreement, Jane’s and my desires have been fulfilled. There is naught more to be discussed.”
“I think not,” I said gently, trying not to invoke her ire.
“What more could we have to discuss?”
Now we were getting somewhere.
I glanced at the clock again, and my concern increased. We had been absent from the others for some time. Whilst being forced to marry Miss Elizabeth through compromise was far from the worst fate in the world, it would make the start of our married life very difficult. Despite any recent growth in my character, I still held a preference for easy over hard, all things considered. WhileIwas decided on my course,shedid not evenknow what that course was, and would no doubt view the idea with extreme scepticism.
I rather fearfully replied, “I belatedly learnt that my character is in desperate need of amendment. I hope you will be willing to assist me.”
She stared in confusion, so I continued, “I can see it makes no sense, and we do not have time to go into detail now. Just know that I had a sudden epiphany about an hour before during the conversation with Miss Bingley that alarmed you so. I realised I was beginning to sound too much like her and my aunt, Lady Catherine; and too little like my parents and Bingley. The shock of this discussion has trebled or quadrupled my desire to make amends to the two of you, and my sister, as well as improve my character. I am well aware my behaviour in Hertfordshire has not recommended me. I should like to show you that I can be better—not justact betterbutbe better. I should like to become a man worthy of your respect.”
Both ladies looked at me with obvious suspicion. I was, I hoped, beginning to see their characters. Miss Bennet was strong when she needed to be but seemed to prefer thinking the best of people when she could. Miss Elizabeth was far more suspicious by nature, and she seemed to be re-evaluating our acquaintance, much as I had a quarter-hour earlier, and not making very much sense of it. Given how inconsistently I had behaved, it was a sensible position.
I asked gently, “Miss Elizabeth, would you say that, despite your nervousness about my reactions, I had slightly improved my standing in your eyes by the time you left Netherfield?”
“You went from universally unpleasant to ambiguous, so that issomething,” she said with just a touch of impertinence that I enjoyed very much.
“I suppose you found my inconsistency frustrating?”
“I suppose I did, yes.”
I sighed in relief. Implacable resentment would be difficult (though not impossible) to overcome, but ambiguity was a good step in the right direction. I found myself leaning towards Miss Elizabeth unconsciously, so I tried to lean back and share with them equally.
“I believe the three of us have much more to say to each other, but may I tell you something I only recently realised. This discovery really came to a head in the last hour, but snatches of the truth have been occurring to me since last summer.”
It would not take a genius to know what triggered the reflections, so I did not dwell on it.
“You may proceed,” Miss Bennet said, while Miss Elizabeth seemed torn between a distinct lack of enthusiasm and curiosity.
I took a breath and spoke from the heart for once in my life.
“To my mortification, I learnt something about my character that I do not like, though I hope it is not a permanent shade. I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, though not in principle. As a child I was taught what was right, but I was not taught to correct my temper. I was given good principles, but left to follow them in pride and conceit. I have been a good master—far better than most men in my circle—but I have not handled my relations with my peers, such as you, well at all. I allowed myself to fall into the trap of thinking well of my own family circle and meanly of the rest of the world. This is not a route to happiness, so I should like to deviate to a better path. I believe we can help each other.”
I looked carefully at Miss Elizabeth, whom most of this was aimed at, and she just stared at me with an intensity that made me squirm like a schoolboy sitting across the desk from the headmaster after a serious infraction (which I deserved).
She finally asked, “What do you expect, Mr Darcy? People’s characters are exposed when they are surprised, and you have showntwicethat yours may not be what it ought to be. Am I toconclude that a pretty apology or two should allow you to escape my brown books forever?”
“Not in the least!Not even close! Your rapid forgiveness earlier was a sign of your good nature more than my demonstration of improvement. I expect real trust and faith in my character to require evidence of a change for the better, and enough time and exposure to ensure it is permanent.”
She regarded me peculiarly, and finally said, “If Jane and Mr Bingley make a match, I imagine we will be in each other’s company occasionally, but I do not especially see how that would lead to the type of interaction that might speak to your character. We will be back to the world of propriety within the hour where real conversations are rare.”
She had no idea what I was getting at, so I decided it was time to lay my cards on the table and call the hand. I glanced between the two. Miss Elizabeth appeared confused, whilst Miss Bennet seemed unconcerned about how the relationship between the Bennet family and me proceeded, so long as it did not interfere with her own.
