She sat up, forced herself to take a slow, careful breath and then reminded him calmly, “Josh, I just can’t.”
He sat up, too. “You can. You know you can. The question is, will you?”
She pushed back the covers and swung her feet to thefloor. “I told you I can’t go there. I can’t do that again, take that kind of chance again. I thought you understood. I can’t give up my heart that way knowing the terrible things that can happen, knowing how very fragile everything—andeveryone—is…”
“Riley.” He caught her hand again. “What you’re saying isn’t logical. It makes no sense.”
“I never claimed that it was logical. But it does make sense, at least to me.”
“Just think about it. You’ve given your heart to Dillon, to our baby, to Annette and to Macy. To me, too—as your friend. You’ve taken a chance on them and on me, too. Why can’t you see that?”
“It’s not the same, Josh. Children are one thing. We all know that one day they’ll grow up, make their own lives. One way or another we lose them. We raise them to let them go. Friends and family are the same. They have their own lives. They’re not the first person you see in the morning, not the one you fall asleep with at night. It’s a whole other thing to choose your special person, to make a life together that’s supposed to last—and then to lose them when you’ve only had a few measly years with them. It’s too painful to go through that. I mean it, Josh. I can’t take that kind of chance again.”
“Riley, loving and losing, that’s life. You’re an intelligent woman, you have to know that.”
She sat up and held the covers close to her chest. “I am well aware that life can be brutally short and cruel. I just need to…have a little bit of a say as to how much hurt I’m willing to live with. Why can’t you just accept that? You said before that you understood…”
“I do understand,” he said slowly and carefully. “I understand that you lost both your parents and then your husband,and it wrecked you. It broke you. I understand that you’re only trying to protect yourself. But you really can’t protect yourself, not from life. And not from what’s waiting for all of us eventually.”
She glared at him, willing him to back off. “What do you know about what’s waiting for us?”
Unwavering, he held her gaze. “You’re right. I don’t know. I’ve been lucky so far.”
“Then please don’t tell me I should see things the way that you do.”
He was silent. He looked exhausted suddenly. “All right, Riley. I get it. You don’t want what I want, and I need to learn to accept it.” With that, he pushed back the covers and swung his feet to the floor. Grabbing his boxer briefs from the pile of discarded clothing on the bedside rug, he pulled them on. Then he picked up his jeans, shoved one leg and then the other into them and zipped them up.
She sat there clutching the covers, knowing she was losing him. Knowing that losing him was exactly what she’d asked for—and yet still longing to beg him to stay. “Listen…”
He paused. “What?”
“I’m sorry, Josh. I am. So sorry…”
His gaze never wavered. “For what?”
“For all the ways I can’t be what you need. And for tonight. I’m sorry for tonight. I just couldn’t leave it alone, you know?” She clutched the covers close to her chest. “I just had to pull you in here and drag you to bed and—”
“Enough,” he said almost tenderly as he shook out his shirt. “You didn’t drag me anywhere.” He put on the shirt. Swiftly, he buttoned the buttons. And then he let his arms drop to his sides. Suddenly, he looked ten years older. “Listen. Can we hash this out in the morning?”
“Yeah. Of course…”
“We’ll feed the kids, and I’ll take them to daycare. Then I’ll come back. We’ll talk. We’ll decide where to go from here.”
What could she say but, “All right. We’ll talk tomorrow when the boys are at daycare.”
“Okay, then. Good night.”
“Good night,” she made herself answer as he turned for the door. A moment later, the latch clicked shut behind him.
Chapter Fourteen
It was a long night. Riley didn’t get much rest. She kept dropping off and then waking suddenly with the covers all tangled around her as though she’d been fighting with them in her sleep.
In the morning, she dragged herself from bed, showered and dressed quickly. She went to wake the boys, but they were already up.
Carefully, on her own two feet, she descended the stairs. She found Josh and the boys in the kitchen.
“Morning,” said Josh from over at the stove where he was scrambling a panful of eggs. He gave her a forced smile.
