On the other side was the last person I was expecting, and the one I was most excited to see.
“Lessons are done early, Your Grace?” Alair asked, his own chest heaving up and down. He’d run to get here, just as I had.
“How did you know?” I managed. I felt my cheeks heat. I was still catching my breath. It was natural, I told myself.
Alair was whip-thin but strong, and that gods-damned smile. When Alair smiled, there was no guile in it. He was also a bastard, but not a royal one. The by-blow of a fae lord, one of the dozens who’d retreated to Balar Shan after the curse came down on Velora, he worked in the stables. There were only a few horses left. The humans had eaten most of them. It was a coveted job, but not a hard one, which left him lots of time for sparring. And smiling.
“Lady Margeaux rode out in a fury,” Alair said. “You have time to spar?”
But I’d forgotten all about my sword in the corner.
Alair had smiled at me.
My stomach flipped. He was the best part of Balar Shan.
That, and seeing my mother’s body filling out. She would always be slight, but I’d never realized how sharp the angles ofher face were until they softened with the availability of regular, rich food. But no amount of food seemed to be enough to remove the haunted worry that imprinted dark circles beneath her eyes.
Guilt stabbed me in the stomach. She’d given every part of herself to build us a life, buy us a bit of land, and then she’d given it all up in a moment to come with me to Balar Shan, so that I could have my birthright. It was not a birthright I wanted. But I was such a self-centered little shit that I scorned the clothing she made me. The boy I’d been even a year ago would never have been so selfish.
“Are you coming, then?” Alair pressed, his light blue eyes wide, imploring.
“Just a minute.” I didn’t close the door all the way. He might go on without me, and that thought was unbearable. But so was leaving my mother with things as they were.
I’d behaved like a child. It was true, only the older men at Balar Shan wore quilted surcoats. But if I was going to survive here, I needed to be a man. I had to be as smart as Alize and as tough as Margeaux. I’d never be as happy and guileless as Alair. But I’d keep him near me, so I could at least remember that someone could be.
My mother was already undoing the seam of the garment. I reached out to still her hand. “Do not undo your hard work on my account,” I said. “Thank you for the beautiful coat, mother. I will wear it with pride.”
I watched her inhale slowly through her nose, then blow out the breath through her pursed lips. By the time she looked up at me again, she had her face under control. She let her mouth curve into a small smile.
“Go, my love,” she said quietly. “Grab what joy you can.”
She squeezed my hand once before nudging it away.
I swiped up my sword from the corner. I intended to do just that.
CHAPTER 17
GARRICK
Two decades,and this cursed castle had not changed one bit. Whether it was the ice or the fae resistance to change rooted in their immortality, Balar Shan was just as fetid and politically twisted as ever. I’d barely woken up before it hit me with the reminder.
My mother was in the same room she’d always occupied. She was fine. I could not convince her to leave. So, not really fine. Edmund was the commander of the guard now. Bold, given that he was a fraction of the age of those he oversaw. But he was the Prince of Balar Shan, so if he wanted something, the courtiers would cut each other down for the opportunity to give it to him. Alize still thought she was smarter than everyone in the room. Margeaux still walked right by me and pretended I was not there, an affect she’d adopted when I graduated from her daily tutoring sessions.
But one thing had changed everything. One person. Koryn.
I’d forced myself to stay away all morning, to give her privacy to come to terms with our new situation. We’d faced the Seven Gates together, and we’d face the Court of Lies together as well. Even if she wanted to shove one of her ice daggers into my side, I’d remain at hers. Balar Shan was not the real danger. It wasa danger—an unnecessary one. But no one walked away from the Seven Gates, not forever. Whatever blood spells the head witch had wrought, it would not last forever. The gods were not merciful. Especially not the one who’d claimed my Lifebind.
It did not even occur to me to knock at the door that had belonged to me for half of my life. It should have. Wasn’t the reason I’d left to give Koryn privacy? But I wanted to exist in a world where there were no doors between us, real or imagined.
So I opened the damned door without knocking and got what I deserved waiting on the other side.
Koryn was so beautiful she stole the air from my chest, leaving only my ensnared heart struggling to beat at the sight of her. Her hair was a mess of unbrushed, dark waves around her shoulders, the same way it looked after a night spent wrapped in my arms. She’d found the clothes I left for her. There was no leather in sight; I hadn’t been able to recover her own clothing yet. But the deep violet crushed velvet gown suited her. It brought out the color in her cheeks and enhanced the lighter brown highlights in her hair. It hugged every curve of her body, from her wide hips to the rolls of soft skin above them, shown off by her cross-legged position on the bed.
On my bed.
With her eyes closed and an expression of soft vulnerability lacing her features.
They snapped open at my entrance. For one second, I was privy to the emotions in her rich brown eyes. Relief, maybe even affection. Then she blinked, and they were gone. Hidden away, because I was not worthy. Because I’d hurt her.
