I could not say that I understood. They’d only amplified mine.
She stopped walking. We’d reached another fucking juncture. Another decision point. But what decision was I supposed to make? What did it matter whether we went up or down or left or right? We were trapped. I was trapped. I would always be trapped by what I had done.
Rylynn looked down at where I gripped her arm. I waited for her to shake me away. For even a crease to show in her brow. But she was serene. I could touch her, but I could nottouch her.
It did not matter to me anymore whether the person whose arm I held was real or not. Those soulful eyes belonged to my sister. The way she inflected the last word in every sentence. The way she dragged out her vowels. The pain in my chest was real, even if she wasn’t.
“Please, Rylynn, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean it. Or maybe I did, but I did not know what I was doing. I… I wanted you to hurt like I had been hurt.”
The corners of her mouth lifted in a small, sad smile. This was it. The moment that she told me that I would never be forgiven. That smile would turn sharp; she would turn me away. This was the woman who’d warned her granddaughter against wishes, who’d hated me for what I’d done to her family.
Rylynn cupped my cheek. “I know, little one,” she said softly.
“I am so sorry,” I said again. I covered her hand with mine, holding on tight, suddenly afraid that she would slip away. “Forgive me.”
“I love you, Koryn.”
If I did not have a heart, why did my chest feel like it was being cleaved in two? My knees buckled. Isanara was behind me,I thought, but the tears were coming so fast and thick I could not see clearly.
“Please, forgive me,” I begged.
My sister leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my forehead with a sweetness we’d never shared in life. “Forgiveness is not mine to give. Forgiveness is for the living.”
Another piece of my cold, dead heart sheared off. “But I am a witch,” I sobbed. “I am dead.”
“Your heart may not beat. But you can choose to live.” Rylynn lifted her hand to the path—split. Two choices. “Choose life and love, Koryn. We will be waiting when your time comes.”
We. Rylynn and every descendant of her line. My mother. Janessa. Gods, my sister Janessa.
“But my time will never come,” I realized. The only afterlife that awaited me was in the dark recesses of the Dark God’s realm. Forever. My family was not there. I could not believe my family would be there. I squeezed her hand harder against my cheek, but my fingers found only my own skin.
“Rylynn, don’t go, please, don’t leave me again.” Even as I said it, she faded away. She disappeared the same way that she had appeared in the tunnel. There one moment, gone the next. A figment of my imagination or a creation of Pava, I did not care. I wanted her back.
I sank to my knees.
“My time will never come,” I whispered.
I hated the Dark God for his claim to my eternity.
I hated myself for the bargains I’d made.
I rocked forward until my forehead pressed into the ground. Then my cheek. I melted down onto my side. The tunnel glowed blue and green behind my tears. Isanara curled up around me, protecting me from the hard walls of the cave. She breathed in and out. Her heart still beat. She was still there. She still chose me.
I understood what Rylynn meant, but I hated it. It was harder than saving Garrick at the Mercy Gate or offering up my own life for Isanara’s at the Devotion Gate.
I did not need her forgiveness.
I needed to forgive myself. I had to accept that I had done a bad thing, but that one mistake would not define me forever.
I did not know whether I could do it.
Hours passed. The floor was cold. But I was a frost witch. The cold could not kill me. Neither could sorrow. If it could have, I would have found out then. But eventually, I got my knees under me. For Isanara. For Garrick. For young Tomin, who should not have to watch me die. For myself.
I did not even recall which path I chose. Only that a few minutes later, the cave widened abruptly again and light spilled through the iron gate.
Isanara nudged her snout beneath the fleshy part of my upper arm, nestling her head against my heaving chest. I’d only been walking for a few minutes, but I could barely breathe through the sobs.
Garrick was right there, ready. Not to enter the Peace Gate, but to hold me as I emerged from it. I let him. I buried my head in his neck, breathing in cinnamon and wine and home. He murmured words that I did not understand. My mind was too thick. But I had to warn him.
