His gaze softens. “Then show me how much you love me,” he whispers. “You know it puts me in a better mood.”
How am I back here? What the fuck happened? How am I with him again? This isn’t my apartment in the city. Reality and fallacy are melting into one, making it difficult to differentiate which one I’m in.
“I’m not really in the mood,” I admit.
“What if I get you in the mood?” he asks, pressing kisses down my neck while his hands roam my body without invitation.
The thing is, if I say no, the night will continue in this back and forth. However, if I fall victim to this manipulation, we’ll have a better night than the one that’s already happening.
I don’t say yes, and I don’t say no. To Ryan, this means a welcome invitation to my body. I don’t fight him. Not when he pulls my pants down. Not when he pushes into me, unaware of the silent tear spilling down my temple. Not when he finishes and thinks I did too, making me feel like a tool for his pleasure.
“I love you sweetie,” he says, because he’s gotten what he wants. “How about I make us a snack or something?” He kisses my cheek. “I can bring it to bed for you!” He calls over his shoulder.
Why did I stay for so long?
He leaves me in bed, feeling used and violated while he goes into the other room and doesn’t come back for hours after. I roll on my side, squeezing my eyes shut as I work through the emptiness that has invaded my chest.
Wake up. Wake up. Wake up
I finally wake up.
When I sit up, I realize I’m crying. Shuffling out of bed, I run through my dark apartment, touching everything I can to know it's real.
I’m home.
Once I ground myself and make sure I’m where I think I am, I run to the bathroom and heave up everything in my stomach, sobbing into the bowl to the point I can’t breathe.
I sit on the bathroom floor, my body trembling with a thick sheen of sweat on my skin. I lean my head against the cold tub, trying to steady my breath and heart.
As soon as I start to think maybe, just maybe I can build a life elsewhere, even here, I’m reminded of why I can’t. Six months is already too long. I’d already made the mistake of staying too long once, I refuse to do it again.
Just like all relationships, we had the honeymoon phase for years, and then it just became a snowball effect. Each little thing he did piled onto the next until it all became too big and exploded in my face.
I spent so much time in school, getting my degree, then getting my experience, that it was easier to stay than leave. It was easy to brush off the things he did in the name of not being able to spend time together or as often or the stress of tight finances. The stress we both had of work, school, and life balance.
Of course, I justified the bad times with the good. Of course I told myself I was overreacting. Of course I said maybe, just maybe if I fulfilled his needs he’d treat me better. Of course I made up every excuse under the sun as to why I should stay and why I shouldn’t leave.
Finally, pulling myself off the cold bathroom floor, I rinse my face and mouth off. One glance in the mirror tells me I’m right back where I started when I first came to the city.
Last I heard, Ryan is all the way across the country.
Still, before I go back to bed, I check every window and lock twice. Then, I grab my gun I keep in my nightstand, and sleep with it under my pillow instead.
CHAPTER TWENTY
TYLER
Before we ventureto Martha’s for beers and the game, me and the guys finish up a sparring and lifting session.
“All I’m saying is,” Anthony interjects “why not just say yes to at least one of them? You know, thousands of girls who try to shoot their shots at you? Apparently, eighty percent of relationships work when the girl initiates it.”
I run a hand over my sweaty face.I kissed Sunny.Feeling a smile play at my lips, I think about the memory again.
“I’m not in the business of a relationship,” I reiterate. I’m not in the business of a relationshipexceptwith Sunny.
“We hear that over and over. Come on, you’re young, hot, rich. Why not take advantage of that? You already know your fate, why not just enjoy the freedom you have now?” Anthony shrugs.
Cole stares at me while a silent communication lingers between us. The only reason why Cole knows is because we had our morning sparring session right after I left Sunny’s place, and he recognized the shift in me. I only shake my head, because I can’t involve more people until I know what she and I are.
