No.Now I feel it even deeper. It laces through my bones, writing all the wrongs I have ever done that led up to this point, into my very marrow.
I’ll never be able to escape it. I’ll never be able to escapehim. He has left a permanent mark that I’ll never be able to undo.
“They found a last known location for him. He wasn't here. He wasn't home,” My father says gently.
“Where?”
“He went to Oregon. They think he knows you were there.”
I throw a hand over my mouth as a sob escapes my throat. Everything I hoped wouldn’t happen is somehow happening. A tear escapes, sliding down my cheek and onto the concrete as evidence of my pain.
“Honey, he will not find you. We won’t let him, and the detectives are working hard to find him. They have a lead now, this is a scary thing, but it’s good. It’s good because now we know where he could be.” My mother tries to reassure me.
He is following me.
“He won’t be able to find you, Sunny. You are all the way across the country in a place you would never even expect. You do not need to leave. Even the detectives said so. He always knew you have family in Oregon.” My father continues, but it does nothing to the panic settling in my chest, awakening from its brief slumber.
“Okay, I love you guys,” I rush out and then hang up the call. They’ve already seen me break enough. Once was already too much. My phone rings again with my fathers name and face on the screen. I stare at it, another tear drop slipping from my eyes and onto the screen.
This is a nightmare coming to me even when I’m not asleep.
“Sunny?”
Tyler.
I jolt, dropping my phone to the ground with a thud. I squat down to pick it up and swipe my nose with the sleeve of my undershirt. Finally turning to look at him, hoping the shadows of the parking lot mask the evidence of my pain.
“I used to be,” I croak.
His brows crease and within a second he is closing the space between us. Reaching his arms out, he cradles my face, wiping the tears that unwillingly cascade down it.
“What is it? What happened?”
“Tyler,” I whisper through a small, pathetic sob. Words are difficult when your voice has been silenced for so long.
“I’m here, baby. What is it? What do you need?” He searches my face.
Another sob claws up my throat, but I get the courage to meet his eyes. “He’s alive.”
The slow roll of his throat catches my attention, leading me to the beat of his pulse in his neck. Each beat gets faster and faster.
“The detectives found that heisorwasin Oregon. Which is where I was, before coming here. With my aunt and uncle.” I clear my throat of the screams that are building up. “So, it’s either coincidence because he knew I had family there, or that he truly has found a way to trace my departure.”
He nods slowly, his eyes looking elsewhere. Nowhere in this realm, but in his own mind. Finally he brings his gaze back to me. “What do you need from me, Sunny?”
The words are heavy on my tongue. The voice that had been stripped from me clawing at the back of my throat for release. It wants only to yell all the worst things I’ve kept at bay, because I’m too afraid to admit them.
“I hate myself,” I finally breathe. I look at him as tears line my eyes and spill over my cheeks, but I won’t run from them anymore. He shakes his head, denying it before anything more can be said.
“Stop,” he warns, but his voice catches, too.
“I had a perfect life. And because of my choices, here I am now. I ignored it for so long. I could’ve left. I could’ve…”
“You didn’tchooseto be abused,” he reminds me.
I know he’s right, but the anger remains nonetheless. I have this big, ugly, festering wound of anger, pain and hurt. It used to be filled with sunshine and a fire that refused to succumb to the snuff of anyone else. Now, all that’s left are burnt ashes and smoke decaying what’s left of me. What if it never heals? What ifInever heal?
It's this moment I realize I’m hyperventilating with a hand around my throat as I try to step out of his arms. The ground feels like it’s caving from my feet while simultaneously spinning.
